I need to swallow the compounding pressure in my throat before I can continue.
“I believed him. I thought if I was loyal enough, ruthless enough, I could honor my father’s memory. Be worthy of his sacrifice. But it’s all bullshit. My father didn’t die a hero. His loyalty to the Kozlov Bratva got him killed. He died a disposable tool. Just like I am. Just like we all are to men like Roman.”
The admission scalds my throat.
It’s not that I plan to be outright disloyal to Roman, although I’m going against one of his core principles.
“Attachments are weaknesses.”
“Attachments get you killed.”
But I view my feelings for Chloe as a strength.
Years of allegiance and belief crumble on my tongue, but relief swells too. I’m finally voicing doubts I’ve silently harbored for years.
“So what now?” Chloe prods gently. “What does this mean?”
“It means I’m breaking every rule I’ve lived by. It means I’m choosing you over Roman, over the Kozlov Bratva. It means I’m no longer just an enforcer following orders. I’m a coconspiratorwith my target.” I scrub my hand over my face. “It means I’m compromised in every way that matters.”
“And that terrifies you.” As always, she sees too much.
“Yes.” Have I ever been this scared? “It should terrify you too. I’m showing you the monster, Chloe. The real me. Not the lie I presented at the farmers market. Not even the controlled violence you’ve seen since.”
Her eyes, soft and accepting, remain locked on me, tracking every twitch on my face.
My heart starts hammering. Either I get this out now, or I never will.
“The truth is, I’ve killed without remorse. I’ve hurt people who didn’t deserve it. Spent my life in service to men who view me as nothing more than a weapon to be aimed and fired. Because that’s all I’ve ever been.”
No matter how much she likes to play dirty in the bedroom, she’ll never stain the rest of her life. She takes her shoes off by the front door, for fuck’s sake. I don’t even own a set of bedsheets without bloodstains.
She curves her hand over mine. “I see you.”
Three little words that knock the air from my lungs.
“I see you.”
Not the parts I show people, the ones easy to accept, but all of me.
The enforcer.
The killer.
The man who drugged and planned to use her. The man who’s now betraying everything he once believed in.
Baffled, all I can do is stare. She should hate me. “Why aren’t you running? Why aren’t you afraid?”
She releases a sad laugh. “Oh, I’m afraid. I’m not stupid. But I’ve been running from fear my whole life, Kolya. Building walls with chores and smiles to keep the monsters at bay. It doesn’twork. The fear finds you anyway.” Her fingers tighten around mine. “At least with you, the monster is right in front of me, where I can see him.”
I lace my fingers through hers. “What do we do now?”
“We survive.” Steel flashes beneath the softness. Her true glitter. “We figure out exactly what happened on that island. We find out who’s trying to kill us and stop them. And we do so together.”
Together.
The word tunnels beneath my rib cage and fills the hollow void in my chest. I’ve been alone for so long. Surrounded by people, yes, but fundamentally isolated. Even within the family, I’ve kept myself separate, distant.
Life is safer that way. Less messy.
