And to give her the kind of stability and security we never would’ve had if I’d stayed with her father.
But as I stand to leave her room, a tiny voice in the back of my head pipes up with a question I’ve been trying to ignore.
Did I really have to set aside all my own needs to make it this far?
I try to push the thought away as I close April’s door behind me and walk down the hallway to my own room, but it’s taken hold in the back of my mind and now this restless feeling is going to make it impossible to sleep.
So instead of burrowing under the sheets and staying awake for hours, I change into my bathing suit, wrap myself in my robe, and make my way down to the first floor, where I head straight for the sauna.
The minute I step inside and close the door behind me, I know this is a good idea. The heat is already seeping into my tired muscles, and I can tell it won’t be long before my shoulders slump and my eyelids start to droop.
Of all the perks that come with living in an actual mansion, this is the one I’ll probably miss the most.
I’ve been sitting here for less than ten minutes when the door opens. I don’t need to look over to know it’s Grant, since this has become a pretty common routine for us.
He settles in his usual spot on the bench across from me in his usual workout shorts and nothing else, and damn, it’s especially hard not to look at his broad chest and defined muscles tonight. Especially since he just finished lifting weights and every taut line from his cheekbones to his waist looks perfectly chiseled.
“Hey,” he says, slowly stretching his back and drawing even more attention to his chest.
“Hey, yourself.” I offer a small, tired smile. “How was your workout?”
“Not bad. Same as always. Did April’s good mood last through the homework session?”
“And then some.” I nod. “Which reminds me that I wanted to thank you earlier for what you said about nobody else getting to decide how she feels about herself. I think it helped that it came from you, but it was exactly what she needed to hear.”
He doesn’t quite smile, but I can tell by his expression that he’s pleased. “It helped me when I was a kid, so I figured it might help her too.”
We sit in comfortable silence for a few more minutes before the words I’ve been holding back all evening come spilling out.
“I worry sometimes that she’s missing out by not having a father figure around. Not that I’d want her actual father anywhere near her, but sometimes I wonder if I’m enough. The older she gets, the less confident I am that I can give her everything she needs.”
“Heather, you’re more than enough.” His voice is firm but still kind. “April is one of the most confident, intelligent, well-adjusted kids I’ve ever met. That didn’t just happen randomly. That’s because of you.”
“I appreciate that, but what if she needs things I can’t give her? What if she needs someone to teach her things I don’t know, or to show her how good men are supposed to treat women?”
“Is that why you don’t really date? Because you’re worried about bringing someone around April who might not be a good example?”
The question is so direct that it catches me off guard. But when I take a second to think about it, that is part of the reason why I don’t go out of my way to date.
“Partly,” I admit, echoing my own thoughts out loud. “But honestly? The bigger part is that I just haven’t given it muchthought. Like, at all. Ever since I left Steven, I’ve had basically zero desire to get out there and start dating again.”
“You haven’t dated at all since then?” There’s no disguising the surprise on his face or in his tone. “That’s been practically her whole life, hasn’t it?”
I nod. “Close. She’s nine, so it’s been about eight years since I left her father.”
I’ve never really stopped to consider just how wild that sounds until right this second, but the way Grant is staring at me with his mouth hanging open is all the confirmation I need that my situation probably isn’t normal.
“It sounds pathetic, doesn’t it?” I ask. My cheeks are getting hot, and I’m wishing I’d never brought up these particular insecurities.
He closes his mouth and his expression turns serious again. “No, it doesn’t sound pathetic. It sounds like you’ve been focused on more important things.” He pauses and looks down at the floor for a moment before meeting my gaze again. “But eight years is a long time. You don’t miss dating at all? Or the companionship?”
“Dating? No. I can honestly say that I don’t really miss it. The whole game of it—trying to figure out what someone wants to hear, then pretending to be more interesting or less complicated than I really am. No, I don’t miss any of that.”
“Fair enough.”
“Idomiss orgasms.” The words are out of my mouth before I can think to stop myself, and Grant looks just as shocked as I feel at that little revelation. “Oh shit, I’m sorry. I can’t believe I just said that out loud.”
He doesn’t take his eyes off me. Or blink. His Adam’s apple bobs hard as he swallows. “Eight years? Really?”
