I thought I’d persuaded him until he gave his headanother swift, decisive shake. “It’smyjob to protectyou, not the other way around, Pen.”
My nostrils flared through a sharp breath that was immediately chased by a cough. I cleared my throat loudly, then snapped, “Who made it your job? Certainly not me. I didn’t ask to be your responsibility. We should be partners in this. Equals.”
Before I finished speaking, Kit had a rebuttal at the ready. “Partners, yes. Equals, no.”
I hardly knew what I was doing before I flung my shovel down, then grabbed Kit’s as well, hurling it into the dirt. Kit’s previously steadfast expression washed blank as I squared myself with him.
He sounded like Merrick, like he had when we first met. Dismissive and bordering on degrading. Reminding me of my shortcomings as though I didn’t know them well enough. He’d spent so much time telling me I deserved better that I’d started overlooking the obvious gaps between us. I was younger, inexperienced, and impulsive. I relied on him more than I should have, hapless in the wide-open world, weaker than I ever wanted to be.
“Don’tbe like them,” I said, my voice gritty. “You told me you weren’t like them.” My nose wrinkled through a sneer as I took on a mocking tone, imitating the voices I’d heard so much in my youth. “Stay at the house, Penny. Help your mother, Penny.” I sucked a sharp, wheezing breath, trying to catch the air that escaped too rapidly. “You’re in the way, Penny. Hold the lantern, Penny.” On the last statement, I fixed him with a glare. Tears clouded my eyes. “I don’t want to just hold the lantern, Kit.”
By that point, we were nearly chest to chest. I was wheezing and fighting the swell of dizziness as my lungs screamed.
Kit reached out and took one of my fists in his dirt-caked hands, tethering me to the moment. “That’s not how I meant it, Pen. Let me finish.” He tried to work his fingers between mine, but I clenched them tighter. “I’ve been through this,” he said. “I’ve done so much of it before, and if what they say about Eeus is actually true, I’m already damned. You’re not. I know I can’t shield you from all of it, but some of it I can, and I intend to. So no, I don’twantus to be equals in this. The plan is and always was to take the brunt of it so you don’t have to.”
Weariness crept in, and I couldn’t fight him for long. By the time he finished, his fingers were interlaced with mine. I didn’t respond or even meet Kit’s eyes before I slumped against him and looped my free arm around his neck. My chest fluttered with ragged half-breaths as I crushed in close and pressed my face into Kit’s shoulder, muffling my next words.
“I don’t believe you’re damned. You’re too good to be damned.”
Kit wound an arm around my waist and pulled me tighter against him. “I’m not so sure that’s how it works.” He tipped his head against mine and pressed a kiss into my hair. “But I made peace with that a long time ago. So, let me do this for you, please. Let me protect you from whatever I can.”
When I pulled back to finally meet his eyes, I would have toppled over backward if he hadn’t held me. “Why?” I asked, the word coming out almost as a gasp. The night seemed darker somehow; shadows crowded the corners of my vision.
The look of alarm on Kit’s face was growing familiar. He really did worry too much.
“Breathe, Pen,” he said, pressing a palm to my chest. “Calm down and breathe.”
My knees went weak, and the rest of me quickly followed. The darkness grew, crowding out everything else. It was all I could do to steal enough air to mumble, “Am breathing,” before blackness swallowed the world.
10
Kit
As Penny slumped in my arms, my heart thundered in my ears so loud it blanked out all other sounds.
“Hey!” I eased him back with a shake, but he didn’t respond. “Stay with me, Pen.” I patted his cheek and nearly yanked my hand away when his head lolled. His lips were tinged blue even in the warm glow from the lantern’s flame.
It struck me how far we were from any form of help, and when I couldn’t get Penny to stir, my own lightheadedness threatened to bring us both to the ground. My eyes darted between the half-dug grave and the cart in rapid succession. There was one place I knew to go, but it would take nearly an hour to get there.
There was no other option.
My arms shook with the strain as I dragged Penny’s limp body out of the grave and back to the cart. After hours of hacking away at the frozen ground, I hardly had the strength to haul him up into the bed. I collapsed beside himonce he was in, breathing hard and feeling like I could pass out too. Still, he didn’t stir.
I should have gotten him help sooner. Surely there had been doctors in any one of the towns we passed through on our way here, and they might have offered more aid than herbs and tea. If he died…
A sick feeling welled up in my gut when I recalled what Penny had told me about Tessa suggesting she and Rosie kill old man Arkwright and use his body for their offering. I doubted she was the only initiate who would have seen Penny’s condition as an opportunity. The idea of one of them letting him die then taking him back to Ashpoint to strip the flesh from his bones was more than I could handle. I barely made it to the edge of the wagon before my stomach rolled and my meager supper of deer jerky and mixed nuts made a reappearance. Bile burned my throat and made my eyes water.
I’d sooner bury Penny here than give him over to Eeus.
After wiping my mouth and swallowing lingering bits of acid, I heaved myself to the driver’s bench and took the reins in my trembling hands. A click of my tongue set Betty into motion. As soon as we were out on the main road, I turned her north and urged her into a fast trot.
Ten minutes into the journey, Penny finally stirred.
“Kit?” he mumbled.
I twisted in my seat and pushed the hair off his face while he blinked hazy eyes against the dark.
“I’m here,” I told him. “Just rest. Breathe and rest. I’ve got you.”
