I shouldn’t have been surprised. They were both wide-eyed and innocent, as naive as Penny had been when he first showed up at my door. Still, at almost eleven years my junior, they were surer of themselves than I’d ever been.
I was starting to think thatIwas the odd one out.Iwas the problem.
I poked at the roast on my plate and avoided their eyes. “You’re practically children.”
Penny’s fingers tightened around mine. “I’m twenty-two. Do you think I’m a child?”
I may have briefly thought him childish when we first met, but not anymore. Sheltered, maybe, and inexperienced in the ways of the world outside Eastcliff. That didn’t change the fact that marryinganyonewithin months of meeting for the first time felt immature and ill-advised.
But I couldn’t say that outright. Edgar and Cait were, as far as I could tell, good people. They didn’t need their happiness tainted by my misgivings.
I glanced over at Penny, dismayed to see his shoulders drooping and his easy smile replaced by one that looked forced.
“Pen…”
“What about Sayla?” His furrowed brow cast his eyes in shadow. “She’s soon to be betrothed, and she’s only nineteen.”
There was little hope of recovering from the hole I’d dug myself into, so retreat seemed the only viable solution. Let them gush over the romance of it all without my doubts casting a pall over the table. I wasn’t hungry anyway.
I pulled my hand from under Penny’s and pushed my chair back. “Excuse me. I’m going to get a drink.”
I didn’t give them a chance to protest before I abandoned my plate and made my way to a seat at the far end of the bar.
Over the next hour, I nursed a glass of whiskey while my mind churned. Growing up under my father’s thumb must have broken something in me, because all I saw were ulterior motives and transactional relationships. The idea of loving someone so instinctually, so completely that I didn’t need months to figure out whether or not I could trust them with the rawest parts of myself, was unfathomable. As much as I wanted to have that with Penny, and as much as I knew he wanted to have that with me, I wasn’t sure I was capable of it.
Penny eventually settled on the stool beside me and startled me out of my thoughts. I glanced back to find the table empty.
“Did Edgar and Cait head up?” I asked.
Penny nodded and leaned an elbow on the bar. “You know, when you said you were going for a drink, I assumed you’d come back.”
I winced. “Sorry. They’re nice people, but I have nothing in common with them, and I offended them enough. Figured you would all be better off without me.” I swirled the whiskey in my cup. “Did you really not find any of their story problematic?”
I saw him shaking his head out of the corner of my eye. He stifled a cough in the crook of his elbow before responding. “I thought it was romantic. Especially the whole knowing you don’t want to live the rest of your life without someone. Everyone should have that.”
I couldn’t disagree withthatsentiment at least. Most everyone deserved to be wanted like that, to be someone’s priority, to be the one thing they couldn’t live without. But those were connections that had to be built and cultivated and nurtured, and six months was barely enough time to plant a seed.
When I took too long to respond, Penny brushed his fingers over my arm. “Why do you find it so hard to believe that people can know they love each other in two months? Edgar and Cait seem happy. Isn’t that proof enough?”
“You can’t evenknowsomeone in two months, Pen.” I lifted my eyes to meet his. “People lie. They pretend. A lot of times, they put on an act. You can make someone believe almost anything for two months. Or six.”
His brows creased. “You make it sound like you've done that before.”
I shrugged and dropped my gaze back to the cup that wasn’t nearly full enough for me to want to have this conversation. “I'veseenit done, and for much longer than six months.”
“But you wouldn't do that if it was someone you loved.”
Wouldn’t you? I didn’t remember much about my mother, but I knew she’d been kind. Soft-spoken, tender,and the first to offer help even before she was asked. My father had managed to convince herhewas a good man. He played the part so well that, as a child, even I’d been sure he was as gentle a soul as she was. He claimed to love her, and maybe he had, because his true nature didn’t come to the fore until she died.
Maybe it was justmehe didn’t love.
I made a noncommittal sound.
“Haven't you loved anyone before?” Penny asked.
I knew the kind of love he meant, and I had a feeling he wouldn’t like my answer. He wanted me to lovehim, but he'd turned his attentions on a man too world weary and full of doubt to believe in things that required such blind faith.
I didn’t know what love felt like. How could I profess a feeling I couldn’t even identify?
