Scoffing, I turned back to Penny’s worktable and swept a handful of carving tools into a wooden cup. I could have made up some story to explain it away, but I was done keeping Merrick’s secrets.
“Because he’s bitter that I brought his brother here.”
“You mean Penny?” Thoma asked about the same time Reimond chimed, “Penny and Merrick are brothers?”
“Half-brothers,” I replied. If Merrick was so keen to insist on being so specific, I would be, too. “He doesn’t think Penny has what it takes to be here. It doesn’t help that he’s intimidated by my father’s legacy. He’s been trying to find a way to get us kicked out of Ashpoint since we arrived.”
Thoma appeared beside me, holding out a leather punch he’d retrieved from the floor. “It’s not his responsibility to judge who belongs here,” he said. “Penny isearning his place, just like we all are. Neither of you have done anything worthy of being exiled.”
“I know that,” I replied, slotting the punch back in where it belonged. “But he’s also mad because Penny coming in undermined the lie he told when he first got here. Merrick offered the family farm as tribute, but it was never his to give. Their father left it to Penny.”
“What does he think about all of this?” Thoma asked. “Penny, I mean. I’m surprised he’s not here to help clean up.”
“He…” I sighed and rubbed a hand over my face. He wanted to get away from me, but I couldn’t tellthemthat. “He went home to attend to whatever mess the Death Watch made there intheirsearch.” I finished with Penny’s workspace and started putting the rack of repair orders back to rights. “I don’t think he approved of how I handled things.”
Another attempt to dodge the truth of the matter or pretend I didn't know Penny's feelings for fact. He was honest and easily read; it was one of the things I liked most about him. It made him different from so many of the people I'd grown up knowing.
“I didn’t exactly stand my ground against Merrick because I hoped the situation would resolve itself. I knew there was no substance to his accusations, but Penny runs hot sometimes.” I smiled faintly at thought of how my sweet and mostly mild mannered recruit could get his dander up. I’d seen it at the tavern with Tessa and found it aimed at Merrick more than once. Penny had a bit of fire in him, and I was drawn to it like a moth.
Reimond and Thoma paused their tidying to listen while I finished explaining.
“He chased Merrick down and confronted him. Theyfought.” I cringed. “I think Penny would have let it go if not for what Merrick said about me.”
“He’s protective of you.” On the other side of the shop, Reimond tossed the last lump of charcoal into the barrel and dusted his hands on his pants. He met my eyes, and his head cocked to the side. “The feeling seems to be mutual. Unless I’m misreading things."
“You’re not wrong,” I confessed.
“He’s very sweet,” Thoma said as he returned to Reimond to help him stack the tumbled metal ingots. “And handsome.”
Reimond swatted his arm, and Thoma laughed.
“Don’t fuss,” Thoma said. “You know I think you’re handsome, too.”
Jealousy returned, making my heart ache. “This whole thing is…” I picked up a trowel and ran my thumb along the dented edge as I avoided their eyes. “This is new for me. I never expected to feel this way about anyone, and I keep doing and saying the wrong things. I know Penny wants more from me. I know he cares for me…”
I’d read it in his letters, his private thoughts, and he’d kissed me. He was bolder than I was about these things. About a lot of things.
I heaved a breath. “If Merrick found out about Penny and me, it would only make the tension between all of us worse than it already is.”
“Whathaveyou told Penny about all this?” Reimond asked.
I shook my head. “Nothing, to be honest. I don’t want to get his hopes up and… disappoint him.”
“You should tell him,” Reimond interjected. “He’s clearly very fond of you.”
“Don’t rush him,” Thoma chided. “These things take time.” He offered up the saw blade I’d been working on theother day when they came by with Anders. “You said this was new. If you don’t mind me asking, do you mean being with a man?”
I hesitated to be more honest than I already had been, but who else could I talk to about these things? It was becoming too much to keep to myself.
“The fact that he’s a man is irrelevant.” I shook my head. “It’s everything else. I don’t know how to be with someone like this.” I gestured between the two of them.
Thoma rested his hand on my arm. “But you want to?”
Iwantedto be close to Penny, to protect him and hold him and make him happy. I wanted to make sure he never again looked at me with the pain he had in the alley. I wantedhim.
But there were still so many things he didn’t know about me, things that could hurt him, things that could change his mind about how good a man I actually was. If I let myself have him, and then he turned me away, I wasn’t sure I could handle losing him.
“I don’t know,” I said finally, less an answer to Thoma’s question and more an admission that I didn’t know if I deserved to have what I wanted.
