I break the kiss and look at him. “What’s wrong? Why aren’t you kissing me back?”
For unknown reasons, Cody looks irritated. “What the hell was that just now?” he asks, motioning toward the shop. “We’re not really engaged, are we? What are you playing at?!”
Not engaged? What’s he talking about? That was a real proposal, and he said yes so... what’s going on?
“Yes, we are,” I reply, confused.
Cody shakes his head. “No, we’re not. It’s all just a game to you, isn’t it? It’s just like your father said. This is something you did to piss him off or to make him feel stupid. And you used me for it, just admit it!”
The miserable feeling inside me grows, and my happiness and excitement fade. “Not true,mon chéri,” I reply, shaking my head. “That was real as far as I’m concerned.”
Cody stares at me, opening and closing his mouth, looking immensely frustrated and lost. When he speaks again, he sounds exhausted. “But then why? Honestly, Luc, I don’t understand you at all! Until a few days ago, you wanted nothing to do with me, and now you’re suddenly proposing?” He starts pacing the alleyway, unable to stand still. “Why would you use me like that?!”
I can’t believe what I’m hearing. “U-use you?” What the hell? Please tell me I misunderstood that. “What do you mean?”
“You know I couldn’t say no in front of your dad!” he replies, stopping in front of me. “We never talked about this! You said we were only going to meet him! Why did you lie?!”
His words feel like a punch to the gut. If he had hit me, it would have had a similar effect. I step away from him, trying to make sense of it. “Wait...” I start, but I have to pause whena lump forms in my throat and tears well up in my eyes. “You wanted to say no to me?”
The tears in my eyes blur my vision, and I can’t read Cody’s expression. In fact, I don’t see much anymore at all. My surroundings are spinning, and my heart feels heavy.
Some part of me vaguely registers that he sounds frustrated when he responds. It makes no sense. “I don’t know, maybe! But I couldn’t now, could I? Not in front of your dad!”
My heart breaks a little further, the dream I had of building a life in France bursting like a bubble. “You could have said no...” I reply, my voice breaking, and the first tear coursing down my face. God, how embarrassing. I thought he wanted me, I thought we were happy, but the only reason Cody said yes was because he felt like he had to. Nothing more. “Even in front ofmydad. I love you, and I want to be married and live with you in France. It’s not a game.”
Cody shakes his head. Then he says the last thing I ever expected him to say. “What do you even know about love? I’m the first person you’ve been with, and you wanted nothing to do with me until a couple of days ago! You don’t even really know me, and you don’t understand the meaning of marriage.”
The accusation stings. He may have a point, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less. These are words I never thought I’d hear from him. Honestly, I don’t know how I’m still standing.
“Maybe not,” I say, wiping my eyes. “But I know what I want, or at least I thought I did. This morning, waking up beside you; that felt like home... and so does Besançon. That’s my dream, but if you don’t want it... if you think I used you, then... I’ll leave you alone.” My voice breaks again, and I hate it. “Nobody’s forcing you, you know.”
I wipe more tears away, suppressing a sob as I turn around, my heart slowly breaking. I’m trying not to think about not having a place to go. I lost my apartment, I just told my dadI’m not going back to work for him, and I definitely can’t go to Cody’s place. Several minutes ago, I was happy, my dream life within reach. Now, the simple concept of “home” suddenly feels like something non-existent.
But having nowhere to go is a long-term problem, I suppose. Right now, I just need to keep myself from falling apart.
I start to walk away, feeling like the biggest idiot in the world. My heart is broken. What was I thinking, believing in love, letting someone in? Look at where it got me. I burned all my bridges, thinking Cody and I would have each other to fall back on. Now I have nothing. What the hell am I going to do?
Chapter 23: Cody
Minutes pass with me standing alone in the alleyway, frozen, while Luc walks away, going God knows where. I don’t know how much time goes by, but eventually I realize something, and it feels like a kick in the gut: I fucked up. With everything I said, I made it worse, hurt him more, and the worst part is that I thought I was right when I said it.
The opposite is true. I shouldn’t have let him leave, but when I realize that, it’s already too late. He’s long gone. Where to? I have no idea; it could be anywhere. After all, he knows Brussels far better than I do. That’s only one of the many things that don’t work in my favor.
He looked so lost and heartbroken when he left, and I can only blame myself for it. In my defense, I wasn’t expecting a proposal, neither a fake nor a real one, for that matter. At first, I thought he was using me to get back at his dad, and I felt humiliated. But then he said it was real, and honestly... I don’t know which I prefer. I’m so confused, and honestly, maybe it would have been better if the proposal were fake.
It may sound harsh, but can you blame me? A twenty-one-year-old guy with no previous relationship experience and a tendency to be impulsive proposed to me out of the blue. It’s a huge step, and I don’t know if I can take it seriously. I’ve only recently started to believe I could find love on this strange continent, and I only just got Luc back. Him suddenly blurting out that he loves me was shocking enough, but marriage? Did I mention I met the guy just a month ago? My family doesn’t even know him yet. It’s crazy.
And still, I can’t help feeling like I’m in the wrong here. Luc’s impulsive... and emotional. I love that about him. He feels things intensely and isn’t afraid to show it. It’s been that waysince day one, when he was rude to me in the shop. He’s either all out or all in, and apparently, this is the latter. Perhaps I should have seen this coming. Maybe I should get used to it. I don’t see Luc changing anytime soon, and if I want to have a relationship with him, or even a life, I need to accept his impulsiveness. And decide fast.
That’s what love is, isn’t it? Taking the leap. Not just for me, but for everyone. It’s impossible to know whether the person you love is meant for you, whether or not they’ll leave you, or if they love you as much as you love them. Nobody ever knows this, and still, people put their hearts on the line. They take the leap despite not knowing what the future will hold because they know life will be more miserable without that one person.
And that’s where I am right now. Part of me may wonder, perhaps even worry, that Luc will break my heart, but I learned that my life feels bleak when we’re apart, and that I’m happy when we’re together. Does that mean we need to get married straight away? Well, no, not for me. But maybe I need to take the leap. Hopefully, as an engaged couple, we could just get to know each other for a while and figure things out before we get married. I’ll need to convince Luc that we need that time, but ultimately, the most important thing is that we’re together.
That’s why I can’t stand here any longer. I must find Luc and try to salvage what I broke, but I have no idea where he went. It’s been a while since he left, and although he did not walk away exceptionally fast or seemed to have a clear purpose, there are so many places he could have gone. I’m going to find him, though. No matter what.
I reach into my pocket to grab my cell phone and press his name to call him. But, as I half expected, I only get an endless dial tone. He’s not picking up. I don’t know whether that’s because he doesn’t notice I’m calling him, or because he doesn’t want to answer. Either way, it doesn’t make things easier.
I keep my phone in my hand, so I can answer immediately if he calls me back, and start walking. I use the cake shop as a central point and spend the next twenty minutes wandering around the surrounding blocks, searching for Luc. It doesn’t help that I don’t know this area too well, or Luc’s favorite places. There might be a park nearby that he loves to visit, a cozy cafe that helps him relax, or a quiet vacated building with a rooftop that overlooks the city. I have no idea, and it’s silly, actually.
