Chapter 9: Luc
I certainly didn’t intend to fall asleep in Cody’s bed. With all the thoughts spinning in my head, I didn’t even think I could. Man, what a ride. That was probably the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Sure, there were some hiccups along the way, but ultimately, I think those only made it better. Cody was unwavering in the way he supported me and guided me through my first time. It was amazing. And to add to it, I’m confident that I was able to offer him a speck of the same comfort at some point, when the uncertainty showed on his face. I love how I was able to calm him down so fast. Just a small gesture and a few words, and he came back to me, quickly becoming as aroused as he was before worry started to overtake him. That’s a first for me. It’s certainly a memory I’ll cherish.
I didn’t believe I could do it at first. When he breached me, it really hurt, and I felt so full. I was close to giving up. If he were anyone else, I might have. But I’ve spent years fantasizing about my first time with someone, impatiently waiting, and the chance to bottom for an experienced, caring, patient guy doesn’t come along often. Honestly, I think I wanted him to be the one to do it all along, from the moment he gave me that longing look in the cake shop. And just now, when he told me he was quickly falling for me, the feeling only grew. I quickly made up my mind. This guy was going to be my first, no matter what, even if he was just saying it to be able to fuck me...
My persistence didn’t change the fact that the burn was still very much present the second time around, but at least I knew what to expect a little better. Ultimately, we managed to do it with patience, trust, and determination. I think it helped that we both wanted it so badly. And why wouldn’t we? We’ve been driving each other crazy from the start.
When he was inside me, I don’t remember exactly when the pain and pleasure started to blur together, but God, it was the best feeling ever. And when I eventually touched myself as he fucked me, however briefly, that was the final blow. I came so hard. My dried up cum is still on my stomach, and maybe on his as well. I loved how I was able to lose myself in it completely... no holds barred. I said everything that came into my head, no matter how dirty or bossy it was, made all the sounds to show him my appreciation of how he made me feel, and didn’t hesitate to jerk off when I couldn’t hold it in. Because with a guy looking at me like that, why would I feel uncertain?
After this, I’m officially not a virgin anymore... wow. My body is still tingling from all the places Cody touched me, and I can still feel the burn from his fast thrusts inside me. But I wouldn’t want it any other way. It’s a wonderful reminder of what we just did. Of my first real time with a guy who didn’t laugh when he saw me naked. Who in fact was practically drooling at the sight of me. The way he looked at me is something I’ll hang onto for a long time. A hot, experienced guy ogling me like he could eat me, telling me I’m the most delicious thing he’s ever seen... I don’t ever see myself settling for anything less. After this, I don’t want to. If I got more of those longing stares, with time, they would surely heal the wounds in my soul.
And given how perfect our first time together was, imagine how our next times would be? Just think about all the other ways we could spoil each other using our hands, mouths, or cocks. We still have so much we can explore with each other, one thing even better than the other. It could be so great.
But... that’s not in the cards, is it? Just now, I told Cody I’d soon leave, and when I said it, I meant it. Deep down, I don’t want to go, though. I want to stay here, comfortably in his arms with the blanket draped over us until we slowly fall asleep. Itwould be so easy, if it weren’t for the fact that staying with him feels like a luxury I can’t afford.
The pain and doubt from when I thought he’d disappeared is still fresh on my mind. I can’t handle that a second time, especially not after tonight. If tomorrow, for instance, we repeat what we just did, I just might develop feelings. I don’t do feelings, and if I’m not careful, I could perhaps fall in love with a man who’s only here temporarily—just like me. Neither of us is set on staying in Brussels forever. Before long, he’ll return to Canada, and I’ll go back home to France. There’s no way it would work. He’s my first sexual experience ever, and nobody settles down with their first, do they? Not the people I know, anyway. I always pictured having a dating life the same as my model friends: having fun, sleeping around, not settling down until a later age. There are plenty of attractive people at the nightclubs, looking for a quick hookup. I always pictured myself becoming one of them. And Cody, without a doubt, is a man one settles down with. That isn’t part of my plan. It wasn’t even something I thought I had to consider—not until right now. Such a strange turn of events.
Also, who am I kidding? Cody doesn’t seriously want to settle down with a French guy in Belgium. This is just a fling between us, nothing more. Once he’s finished his work here, he’ll go back home to Canada. He’ll find love and get married there. If I were built differently, I would absolutely have used him while I had the chance, just for fun. I kind of wish I could, but alas, as things are now, I’m very far behind in the area of sex. Perhaps too far, meaning that any time I spend together with the guy who took my virginity would mean too much to me. It could never just be just a casual hookup. Not for me.
So, what can I do? Nothing, really. I’d rather remember Cody like this... the way he looked at me when I undressed, with something almost similar to reverence in his eyes. If thatadmiration were to disappear, it would break me. Cody moving on to the next person, getting tired of me... that would be devastating. It would put me right back where I started, or worse. Maybe this way, while holding onto the memory of him worshipping my body, I can finally move forward. That’s a lot more than I had before.
Honestly, I find it frustrating that I would meet the perfect man at the wrong place and wrong time. The chances of me finding someone like him a second time seem slim. Someone so nice, good-looking, sweet, and good in bed... Is there even another one like him out there in the world? If there is, I don’t know them, and I wouldn’t have the faintest idea of where to look.
I remain silent, quietly lying in Cody’s arms as he gives me soft caresses. A variation of French phrases come to me, all revolving around my frustration. “Oh, la belle ironie” and “Ma putain de vie” are just two of them. Why did I have to meet him here and now? Just last week, I found myself thinking how great it would be to move to Besançon with someone beside me. And the more I think about it, the more I picture it being him. But I’m not foolish enough to believe it’s anything more than a fantasy, a dream I occasionally let myself get caught up in.
That’s why I need to leave. I should quit while I’m ahead, before I get hurt, or accidentally hurt this amazing man instead. I wouldn’t mean to, but like I said, I’m impulsive, and I might very well do or say something that upsets him. For instance, maybe one day I’ll leave everything and everyone behind, and leave for France without telling anyone. Come to think of it, I was planning on leaving now. Not to France, but home at least, to Maxime’s apartment.
If only I wasn’t so damn comfortable... and if only I didn’t drift off in Cody’s arms before I had a chance to stop myself from doing so.
Chapter 10: Cody
When I wake up the following morning, I’m surprised he’s still with me in my bed. Light has started to creep through the gap in the curtains, illuminating the room, but he hasn’t noticed. He’s still asleep, his breaths even, his arm lightly draped over my chest. The way it slightly lifts and lowers as I breathe in and out is almost transfixing, and I have to ignore the urge to hold my breath to avoid accidentally waking him up.
After what he said yesterday, I hadn’t expected him to stay. I also hadn’t planned to fall asleep when I did, but sometime during the night, I must have drifted off with him beside me. Not that that’s so surprising; it felt so good having him in my arms. It’s yet another thing I could easily get used to. I only hope he’ll want to stay here a little longer—or maybe a lot longer. We could spend the day together, start by repeating what we did yesterday evening, then have breakfast here or at a cafe outdoors, and who knows what else. One can hope, right?
I guess I’ll soon find out, but until then, nothing can stop me from looking at him. At his wavy hair, curly eyelashes, full lips, and his arm resting on me. His chest slowly rises and falls with his every breath, the light hairs on it almost dancing with the movement. He’s so beautiful like this, so peaceful, and as far as I’m concerned, nothing ever needs to change.
But if there’s one thing that’s certain in life, it’s change. And as if he heard me thinking it, he suddenly stirs and wakes up. He opens his eyes, blinking a few times against the harsh light, and looks disoriented. His eyes wander around the room as he tries to make sense of his surroundings. He lazily looks at his arm on my chest, then his eyes travel upward and meet mine. When they do, only then does it seem to dawn on him. He gasps softly, and his eyes widen.
“Cody,” he says as if reminding himself who I am. His voice sounds sleepy, but otherwise it’s void of emotion.
“Hey, princess,” I reply, ignoring the worrisome tone and smiling at him. “I take it you slept well.”
He doesn’t respond. Instead, his jaw clenches and unclenches, and he moves his arm off my chest. My skin feels cold now without it.
“I . . . I didn’t mean to sleep here.”
“I know you didn’t.” I raise my hand to touch his upper arm, caressing it softly. At least he doesn’t pull away. “But it’s alright. I thought maybe we could go for round two before breakfast?” I ask him cheekily. “Or maybe breakfast first? What do you say?”
He opens his mouth and closes it again. There’s an intensity in his eyes that I can’t quite place. “I need to be at the cake shop,” he eventually says. “My shift will start soon.”
“Oh, okay, but you don’t have to leave right now, do you? It’s not even nine o’clock yet, we could—”
I don’t get to finish my sentence. “No!” He sits up, startling both of us with the loud exclamation. “I mean, no,” he adds more softly. “I need to go.”
Part of me was afraid of it—had maybe even seen it coming. Luc wasn’t exactly warm when we first met, so there was always a chance he’d return to that. There was always the possibility I’d misjudged the twinkle in his eyes whenever he saw me, that his relief when I returned to the store after being sick for a week was fake. That our dates meant nothing, that last night meant nothing, and I was just someone for him to lose his virginity to. Was he even really a virgin, or was that fake too? No, I tell myself, there’s no faking that. That part must have been true.
I shake my head at myself. I’m getting ahead of things. Maybe Luc actually needs to go, and we can meet again later?
