Dammit.
I pull the phone away from my ear and hit the red button to end the call. Then I look back up and ahead of us. The highway stretches on and on, and I let myself get distracted.
“Backfire,” I say.
There’s a quiet chuckle from my left, and the next time a car passes us going the other direction, my mom chimes in.
“Periwinkle.”
“Greenbelt.”
“Asteroid.”
“Guzzle.”
We toss words back and forth for a while, sometimes laughing at the absurdity of whatever comes. It’s a game we’ve played for as long as I can remember—we take turns coming up with a word that starts with the first letter in the license plate of the oncoming car. And it’s just distracting enough that I manage to loosen my grip on my phone slightly.
After a long stretch of no oncoming cars, however, my mom clears her throat, and I almost flinch. It’s her tell—she wants to talk about something serious.
And I’m sure it’s related to Nico.
“So, I’ve actually been meaning to ask,” she says slowly, “because you never told me. What does Nico think about you taking off to California in September?”
It’s like she’s going right for the jugular with that question. I turn my head and look out the window as we pass over a narrow river. “He’s fine.”
“Alex.”
“Mom.”
I don’t want to talk about it, and part of the reason is the heavy guilt in my chest.
Nico’s not going to college. At least, he’s repeatedly told me he’s not planning to. He can’t afford it, he can’t ask his mom for help with student loans becauseshecan’t afford it and probably wouldn’t really even want to try, and despite working his ass off to do the best he could in his classes, he didn’t have stellar grades to get any scholarships like I did.
Of course, he’s also repeatedly insisted I should do what’s going to make me happy—what I’ve been wanting to for years. And what I’ve been wanting to do for years is to get out of Nebraska. I want tostudy astrophysics, and I want to do that somewhere near a beach, somewhere out on the West Coast.
We actually argued about it more than once after my acceptance letters started pouring in—Stanford on a full tuition-paid scholarshipplushousing and food; UCLA with tuition covered; University of Washington, also a full ride; and a handful of others. I tried to convince him to come with me, and when he said there was no way that could work, I told him, fine, I’d stay. Commute to Lincoln and go to the University of Nebraska. I still remember him looking at me like I had two heads, staring at me for a good minute before he shut down and said there was no world in which I should stick around fucking Nowhere, Nebraska just for him.
And I wanted to tell him just how much I’d do for him and just how much he’s meant to me for so long. But I said nothing then, and I’ve said nothing more about it since.
Because how the hellcouldit work out anyway?
I ended up choosing Stanford—how could Inotaccept a free education at one of the best universities in the country?—but I still feel sick when I think about leaving him behind.
“Is he really fine, Alex?” Mom asks. Her voice is soft, and I’m sure she already knows the answer.
“He says he is.” I rest my elbow on the car door and turn to stare out the window. We’re almost to Omaha, the rolling hills and agricultural fields giving way to suburbs and businesses. The view isn’t interesting to me; I’ve watched out this same window on this same drive too many times now. But I pretend to be distracted by it as I hear my mom let out a short breath.
“It’s going to be a big change for both of you,” she says after a moment. That’s not what she wants to say—I can hearthattone in her voice, too—and for a second, my stomach drops.
She probably knows.
We’ve never talked about anything much—dating, girls, boys,sex... There’ve been a few reminders here and there to not get anyone pregnant on accident and that porn doesn’t necessarily depict reality. But she’s never asked me specifically about my sexuality or hinted that she suspects I’m not straight.
I’m not even one hundred percent sure what I am. Bi, probably, or maybe even pan if I stop to think about it. But I’m also completely in love with my best friend and so not really interested in exploring anything else.
I swallow and keep my eyes trained outside the car.
She’d be accepting. I know it. She’s been outspoken about supporting the LGBTQIA+ community for as long as I can remember, and I’m really not even sure why I haven’t told her yet.
