The joy and light from the morning dim back into a heaviness sitting square on my shoulders, and I stuff my phone into my pocket as I turn to look at my open laptop sitting on my desk.
I’m supposed to leave for California soon—just a little over three months from now. But how can I? How can I possibly leave him behind?
There’s a quiet knock at the door, and my mom’s voice follows. “Hey, sweetie. Are you up?”
I cough to clear my throat. “Yeah, yeah, just a sec.” With one last glance at my phone, I push myself back up to my feet. Then I slip my phone into the pocket of my jeans and open up the door.
My mom’s there on the other side, her arms crossed over her chest and her usual kind smile on her face. “Sorry, I know it’s early,but I thought I heard you up. Do you think you can help me with—” She stops and frowns, tilting her head slightly. “What’s wrong?”
My jaw tightens, but I don’t say anything right away. I just hold her gaze for a few seconds and then drop my eyes to the ground, trying to figure out what and how much to tell her. If anything.
I shift and lean a little more against the door, running a hand through my hair. “Um, well, it’s just...”
My heart aches with both longing and worry as I see Nico’s beautiful eyes again, and I swallow back the lump in my throat. I can’t even tell her the good stuff; I can’t tell her Nico kissed me, told me he likes me, told me he wants something more with me. Though we didn’t talk about it, I got the sense he hasn’t come out to anyone else. And he definitely didn’t give me permission to tell my mom. So, even though I’m sure she’ll be happy for both of us, I can’t say anything about that.
I guess I can tell her about all the rest, though.
Biting at my lower lip, I lift my eyes. She’s watching me, both of her eyebrows raised in anticipation and concern. It’s pretty easy to see she wants to say something more but that she’s waiting for me first.
“I, um...” I remember our conversation on graduation night—my mom said she had a friend in San Jose who might have a job for Nico. She was ready to help me—us—figure it out, if only I could convince Nico to give it a shot. But that’s the problem. I haven’t even brought it up again. There hasn’t been any opportunity. Not with everything that’s happened.
I close my eyes and drop my chin to my chest.
It would be too much to even ask of him right now. Wouldn’t it?
“What’s bothering you, sweetie? It’s... somethingwith Nico?”
This time, I laugh without humor and shake my head. Of course she would immediately figure out where my mind is. “Yeah. Yeah, I’m just, um—” The words still stick in my throat, and so I motion toward the stairs. “What did you need help with? Maybe, um, we can talk while we work?”
Her eyes narrow slightly, but then she nods. “Okay, sure.” She turns to start down the stairs, and I follow. “The rental company will be here in about twenty minutes to pick up the chairs and tables. I need help moving them from the backyard out into the driveway.”
“Sounds good.”
She leads the way down the stairs, through the now-empty house, and out into the backyard, and together, silently, we get started. We fold up the tables and chairs she rented for the weekend and then move them in through the house, through the garage, and into the driveway. We’re maybe a third of the way done when I finally get up the courage to speak.
“So, um, I don’t think I told you about the most recent email I got from Dr. Ellis.” I pause, a folded plastic chair under each arm, as Mom walks ahead of me through the slider door into the house.
“Oh, no, you didn’t. Good news?”
“Yeah, pretty good, actually.” We angle around the coffee table and to the open door to the garage. “He said he has an undergraduate research position available starting in the fall. He didn’t specifically say it was mine, but I think that was the implication.”
Mom steps into the garage and stops, resting her two chairs on the ground as she turns back to face me.
“That’s incredible, sweetie, but that’s—”
“—not what’s bothering me, yeah,” I cut in, dropping my eyes again. “I was trying to get there. Um...”
Why it’s so hard for me to talk about, I’m not sure. My mom is so good at helping to find solutions to just about every problem,and I’m sure this won’t be any different. When I glance back up at her, her expression is soft and knowing, and I have to look away.
“I’m really,reallyexcited about it. But . . .”
“But . . . Nico?”
I nod, and for whatever reason, I still can’t look at her. So instead, I continue the rest of the way to the driveway and set down the two chairs I brought out. It’s warm already, and the air is thick with humidity. Off to the west, dark clouds are rolling in, and I frown as I study the sky. It’s going to rain later.
A bead of sweat drips down my temple, and I reach up to wipe it away as my mom moves alongside me and stacks her chairs on top of mine.
“Come on,” she says, her hand touching my shoulder. “We’ve got more to do, and they’ll be here soon.”
