Alex (10:54 p.m.):yeah just got home. u ok?
Rather than send a longer text to explain what I didn’t have the chance to tell him earlier, I stuff my phone back in my pocket and carefully shut the door behind me. Mom isn’t sleeping, I’m sure. I think I saw the light on in the garage, where her art studio is, and I know she’s been working on a commission for a big client in California. So I don’t want to disturb her, either.
Honestly, I just want to sleep. Tomorrow’s going to be a big day, and I’m tired.
I head into the kitchen and pour myself a glass of water, and then I jog upstairs to my bedroom. I chuckle as I see that my mom’s set out my graduation robe and cap and the clothes she bought me to wear underneath—slacks and a nice dress shirt and tie. There’s a little note on top, and I set my glass down on the nightstand next to my bed and then lean over and pick the note up.
To my sunshine -
I know I say this a lot, but I’m so proud of you. I’ve got that meeting tomorrow morning in Omaha, so I have to leave early, but I’ll be home on time to watch myvaledictoriangive his speech! I love you so much.
-Mom
PS - yes, you have to wear the tie. Humor me, would you?
I shake my head, but I’m smiling, and I fold up the note, put it in my nightstand drawer, and carefully move the clothes to my desk chair. Then I grab some clean briefs and a towel and head to the bathroom for a quick shower to get the party smell off of me. I’m completely sober—unlike most of the people I was hanging out with tonight—but I have no desire to go to sleep smelling like alcohol and weed and sweat.
Ten minutes later, I crawl into bed, burrow under my comforter, and close my eyes. Almost immediately, I see that awful scene from the party—Nico, frozen and terrified, standing there with Shane next to him, his hand on Nico’s shoulder.
My jaw clenches, and I open my eyes again and turn onto my side.
Fucking Shane. HeknowsNico doesn’t like to be touched. Hell, everyone does by now. Or at least everyone who’s been around since Nico exploded on Mr. Adams in biology class freshman year.
Nico’s not okay, and I’m an ass for letting him go home alone, especially when it was so obvious that he was spiraling. His anxietyalways morphs into shortness and anger when it gets beyond his ability to control it anymore. And that’s all my fault, too.
He didn’t even really want to be there in the first place. Then I disappeared, off to find us some nonalcoholic drinks, which proved to be more difficult than I expected. By the time I returned, it was too late. Nico was already in the middle of a frozen panic, sent there by the noise and the crowd and Shane’s hand on his shoulder. Doesn’t matter what the hell Shane was trying to say to Nico. He knows. Fuck him if he forgot.
No one should forget.
I reach over and grab my phone from the nightstand. The screen is black, with no new notifications, meaning Nico hasn’t returned my text. That in itself isn’t terribly surprising—he tends to send messages and then put his phone down, especially after something stressful happens. But I almost want to call him because I’m sure he’s talked himself into a bad enough place in the last three hours.
I’m such an idiot.
I unlock my phone and type out another quick text.
Alex (11:19 p.m.):want to chat?
But even after several more minutes, I don’t get any response. Again, not unexpected. However, I’m worried, and I want to connect with him in some way so I know he’s okay before I go to bed. I hate how we left things earlier. I shouldn’t have invited him in the first place, or I should have gone home with him instead of letting him leave alone while he was so anxious.
Sticking around at the party wasn’t that fun anyway. The new girl, Jenna, who’s really sweet but has been hanging all over me all week, kept trying to get me to go upstairs with her, which I wasreally, really not interested in. On top of that, I was probably one of the only ones who wasn’t drinking, and watching everyone else get shit-faced was just not a good time.
I should have known what to expect.
And if my mom ever found out I was evenata party like that, I’d be grounded for the rest of my life. Or, well, since I’ve technically been an adult for several months now, and I’m heading off to college in three months, I guess she couldn’treallypunish me. But she’d be disappointed. And that would be worse than anything else.
Except maybe losing Nico as my best friend because I screwed up. That would be the worst thing.
My hand tightens on my phone, and I close my eyes for a few seconds. Then I blow out a breath, try to remind myself not to worry too much—because Nico just put his phone down, like he always does—and type out a longer text, so when he wakes up in the middle of the night, like he also always does, he’ll see it and then he’ll know I didn’t abandon him.
I wish he always knew that by now, but I don’t blame him. Anxiety is a bitch. And his jackass ex-stepfather, who thankfully isn’t in the picture anymore, really did a number on him.
Alex (11:25 p.m.):freaking Leela had no water or anything nonalcoholic. i had to hunt for a couple bottles of water for us. thats why i disappeared for so long. i hope u didnt worry it was anything else
I want to write more, but I know he hates it when I apologize, so I hold back. Then I hit send, plug in my phone to charge, and bury myself under the covers.
As soon as I close my eyes, I see his smile, bright and uninhibited, like it hasn’t been in a long time. He laughs, and his green eyes light up. And even though it’s just a picture in my head, it makes my heart flutter all the same.
I fall asleep to that image of his beautiful face, happy and carefree, like I have nearly every night for years now.
