The way he hugged me after dinner... God, I can still feel it—his sadness and desperation, his pain, his need. He clung to me for several minutes, needing me to just hold him. Needing me to be there for him. And I did. Gladly.
But I feel like we should talk. I think there’s more he hasn’t told me, and there are definitely things I need to tell him, too. I need to be sure he really believes everything my mom said earlier, abouthow he’s welcome here, no strings attached. And then there’s the other stuff. We need to talk about California again. Especially now.
It’s almost too heavy for me to even think about, the fact thathe just got kicked out of his home. His mom kicked him out of his home. Right out on the street. If he hadn’t come here... if my mom hadn’t been so welcoming and open... what the hell would he have done? Would he be sleeping in his car right now?
My chest hurts, and I close my eyes for the briefest of moments. Then I take a deep breath, knowing the best thing I can do is to be there for him, and I open the door, grab the box from the passenger seat, and lock the truck before jogging along the walkway and up the porch steps.
It’s still early—maybe only about seven thirty—and I can hear my mom humming to herself from the garage as I step inside the house. The rest of the house is quiet and dark. I slip my shoes off by the front door, poke my head into the garage briefly to tell my mom I’m back, and then head upstairs, tiptoeing quietly when I get to the hallway just in case Nico is already asleep.
The door’s closed, and for the first time since Nico started staying here Friday night, I hesitate before entering. It’s technically my room, yeah, but what if he needs or wants privacy? After a day like today, I’m not sure whether he’ll want me to be close by or whether he might want to spend some time alone.
I glance back down the stairs. There’s an extra bedroom now. The bed even has fresh sheets and pillows so it’s ready for my cousins, who are coming in on Friday night and staying the weekend. I could let Nico have my room if he wants, and I could sleep in the extra room. Or vice versa.
Another thing we should talk about.
Not that I mind sleeping on the floor. I really actually don’t. But every night now, I’ve had to argue with him about it.
Quietly, I shift the box under one arm and knock on the door.There’s no response, so I slowly turn the knob and push the door open. The light’s on overhead, the ceiling fan humming as it does on the lowest setting, and Nico’s curled up in the bed, his back to me and the blanket pulled up all the way to his shoulders.
I watch him for a few seconds, seeing the blanket shift slightly with each long, relaxed breath he takes. Even though he’s facing away, I can see that the tension is gone from his shoulders, and I hope that means he’s getting the rest he needs.
When I’m sure he’s actually sleeping, I step inside the room, careful not to make any noise, and I set the box down by my desk, then go back to shut the door behind me.
I’m not tired—well, I mean, notreallyanyway—and so I sit in my chair at my desk and, as quietly as I can, open up my laptop. While it’s turning on, I take my cell phone out of my pocket, not surprised to see a message from Jenna.
Jenna (7:31 p.m.):Soooooooo tomorrow? Bowling and lunch with Leela and Shane. I’ll drive. Pick u up at 10???
I frown as I stare at the screen for a minute. Jenna’s... nice. She’s sweet and pretty and smart, and although I know she wants a relationship—she’s made that abundantly clear, especially after she had a few drinks on Thursday night at the pre-graduation party at Leela’s parents’ house—she’s also been understanding when I’ve been wishy-washy about it. It’s been bothering me for a while now, though, because I hate the feeling that I’m leading her on. She’s a good person, and even though she’s only been in town for a few months now, I appreciate her friendship.
I type out a short text in response.
Alex (7:39 p.m.):srry i cant, i have to help my mom tomorrow. raincheck for thurs?
Jenna (7:39 p.m.):Okay :)
Jenna (7:40 p.m.):Might just be u and me on Thursday, I think Leela has a thing
I’m glad she’s not here to see my grimace, because if I agree to go knowing it will just be me and her, alone...
Ah, hell, I have no idea what I’m doing. Would that be suggesting to her thatyes, I’m ready for and want more than to just hang out as friends?
Ialmostjump up and head downstairs to ask my mom, but I hesitate, stare at the phone for another few seconds, and then make a decision.
Alex (7:42 p.m.):sounds good, looking forward to it
Thursday, it is. Thursday, I’ll tell her I like her as a friend. Nothing more. And I hope she’ll be okay with that because I really do like having her as a friend.
She sends me back a smiley face emoji, which is better than a row of hearts or something, and I set my phone down and turn to my computer to take care of the other important thing I need to—emailing Dr. Ellis back.
I don’t know why I’m nervous about it. Maybe it’s just that this is another thing that’s making California feel more real. I’mreallymoving to Palo Alto in just a few months. I’mreallygoingto be living less than an hour from the beach and studying at one of the top universities in the world. And, if all goes well and I can make myself sound as smart as I’ve been told I am, I’mreallygoing to be doing research with someone like Dr. John Ellis—acclaimed Nobel laureate, professor of particle physics and astrophysics, and Director of the W.W. Hansen Experimental Physics Laboratory at Stanford University.
I can’t even believe he’s given me the time he has, responding to each of my emails with what sounds like enthusiasm and encouragement. It seems unreal, and every time I email him, I feel even more unworthy.
Trying to be as quiet as I can so I don’t wake Nico, I open up my email and reread his message from earlier today.
Alex -
Hmm, interesting. I love that you integrated the theory on how dark matter affects space-time with the concepts of gravity and the formation of black holes. This is actually an evolving field, and while it’s not the focus of my current research, I’m quite interested in chatting more about it.
