It hurts that I can’t do that right now.
“I don’t know the answers,” I admit quietly, and my stomach lurches as I watch his frown deepen. But then I let my hand rub up his back to his shoulders, and he closes his eyes with a sigh. It sounds like a relieved kind of sigh, almost, like... like my touch is soothing to him. So I repeat the motion, running my hand slowly down to his lower back and then up again. His sigh is even more distinct this time, and I can actually see some of the tension leave his shoulders. Gently, I clear my throat and say in a low voice, “I do know that you don’t deserve to be treated like that. I’m not sure why your mom made that decision. I can’t understand it, either. But you’re welcome to stay here. Anytime and for as long as you need. My mom has said as much. So, you know, you don’t have to, uh, worry about... that.”
There’s a moment where I think he’s going to pull away or tense up again or something, but thankfully, he doesn’t. In fact, he doesn’t say anything at all. He just lets out another of those sighs and gives the tiniest nod. Then he straightens up and rakes a handthrough his hair.
“I need to get changed and go so I’m not late.”
“Yeah.”
He swallows, takes a deep breath as though to reset himself, and then grabs his bag from the back seat, pushes open the door, and climbs out. I turn off the car, pocket his keys, and follow, trying to push away my unease.
He’s still hurting. He’s still in pain. And I wish I couldn’t see it, since he’s obviously trying to hide it. But I do see it. It’s there. Maybe it wouldn’t be obvious to anyone else. Maybe that’s a good thing, since he has to go to work.
What I really want, though, is to be able to comfort him. To be able to hold him and hug him and kiss him. To help him navigate this. And to make sure he knows, always, that I’m here for him in whatever way he needs.
As I follow him into the house, two thoughts hit me, one after the other.
The first sends a warm shiver through me. I’m going to tell him. Tonight. Tonight, I’m going to tell him all the things that I’ve been keeping to myself the last few years. That he’s more than just my best friend. That he’s the most important person in the world to me. That I love him. That I’m in love with him.
And that I’ll be here for him, always.
The second thought, however, turns that warm shiver into a cold shot of ice. My feet nearly miss the single step up onto the porch, and I grab the railing to hide my almost-stumble as Nico glances back at me over his shoulder, his green eyes narrowing slightly with curiosity.
I fake a grin and shrug my shoulders, and he frowns but turns forward as he opens up the front door.
I follow slowly, heaviness weighing down each of my steps. My second thought, the one I had right after the hopeful, beautifulthought of finally coming out and coming clean to my best friend, is that no, I absolutely can’t tell him. Not right now. Because if me revealing my feelings to him makes anything any sort of awkward at all... if it would make him uncomfortable knowing how I feel... he’d have nowhere else to go.
And I can’t do that to him. Especially not right now.
Momwastesnotimeputting me to work after Nico gets changed and leaves. I suppose that’s a good thing; otherwise, I’d just spend all day worrying about him. As it is, I can barely stay focused to get all the chores done, and it takes probably twice as long as it should.
We’re having a big family thing next weekend. Relatives I’ve never met are coming in from all over the country. I’m not entirely sure what the occasion is, or if there even is an occasion, but Mom’s excited. She says there’ll be at least forty or fifty people here. Cousins, cousins of cousins, and cousins of other cousins, as well as my aunts and uncles and both sets of grandparents.
My dad isn’t in the picture. He never really has been, actually. I guess he cheated on my mom when she was pregnant with me and then took off and never came back. His parents, however—Grandpa Joe and Grandma Kay—they’ve always been around. I see them at least once or twice a month, and the only reason they weren’t at my graduation last week was because their motor home broke down on their way back to Omaha from their annual spring trip to Jackson Hole.
The big get-together means a lot of cleaning and organizing, especially since a few of the out-of-town guests will be staying here for a couple of days. So I keep myself busy most of the day. By the time afternoon rolls around, I’ve cleared out the downstairsbedroom, which we were using as storage for my mom’s artwork and art supplies and prints; deep cleaned the downstairs bathroom and kitchen; and mowed the lawns in both the front yard and the backyard.
There’ll be more to do tomorrow and the rest of the week, but what I did manage to get done seems like a good enough start. So I put the lawn mower away in the shed in the back and then head inside, pulling my phone out of my pocket as I go. My stomach sinks as I turn on the screen.
Nothing.
Still.
I mean, nothing from Nico. No texts or calls. The same as it’s been all day.
I do have several other notifications, and I begrudgingly swipe through them as I walk across the living room and toward the garage. Jenna messaged me an hour ago, asking whether I wanted to go into Omaha with her tomorrow. And mom texted me to remind me to pick up dinner at five at The Rancher—her favorite restaurant going on forever now. Then I’ve got an email from a professor I connected with at Stanford. That seems pretty important, but since I’m in a hurry, I make a mental note to take a look at it later, when I have time to respond.
The one person I really wanted to hear from, though, he’s been silent all day. Not that that’s unlike him. In fact, it shouldn’t even be surprising, really. It’s just... well, I’m worried. More than usual.
I click on his name in my messaging app and reread the last couple of texts I sent him, shortly after he left my house this morning.
Alex (8:07 a.m.):You’re gonna do great today!
Alex (8:09 a.m.):Let me know if you want me to meet you on your lunch break or anything. Otherwise, I’m just stuck doing chores today =P
I half expected him to respond just to ask if I’d been abducted or if someone had stolen my phone. I rarely use proper spelling and punctuation when I text, and Nico’s always making fun of me for it.
But, nope. No teases, no taunts. Not even a quick thumbs-up emoji. Nothing.
