Jake’s hand fell lower on his back. “Mmm, no, no,” Jake said. “That was amazing. Just, um, are you okay?”
Rye sucked in a breath at the question, because he honestly had no idea how to answer it.
Yes, and no.
“Yes,” he managed, though his voice sounded breathless and rough. “I . . . just . . .”
“Was it too much?” Jake’s touch loosened, and Rye let himself sit up a little more, putting a tad more space between them.
He didn’t like that, however, and he frowned and forced himself forward again, settling against Jake with his head buried in the crook of Jake’s shoulder and his hand resting on Jake’s stomach. With more care than seemed possible, Jake’s arm settled back around Rye’s shoulders, and there was a light squeeze that was somehow protective and reassuring but also uncertain at the same time.
“Rye?”
Making himself take a few slow, measured breaths, Rye shook his head. “It was just overwhelming,” he said after another moment. “It was... a lot.”
“Mmm, okay, yeah. Yeah, I understand that,” Jake agreed, though the concern in his voice was unmistakable. He paused for a second and let out a slow breath of his own. “I’ve never felt anything quite like that before. I thought it was incredible.”
Rye nodded in agreement. “It was.” Then he swallowed hard and closed his eyes. “Can we, um, try again, but just...”
“Just... a shorter, lighter kiss?” Jake guessed, and Rye nodded once more.
“Yeah, that might be good.”
“I would love that,” Jake said, his tone earnest and caring, and when Jake’s fingers very, very lightly grazed up Rye’s arm and then along his jaw, Rye tilted his head back to look up at his boyfriend.
Jake still looked as kind and caring as he always had, and with a brief flicker of shame, Rye wished he could just not have to think so much. He wished he could just feel all the good and let things progress like they probably would undernormalcircumstances.
“All of this is new,” he explained slowly. Not that he needed to say anything more, but he really wanted Jake to understand.
“It is to me too,” Jake said, and he smiled softly as he cupped Rye’s cheek. “And I don’t ever want to do anything to make you uncomfortable, so I’m sorry if I—”
Rye shook his head, cutting Jake off, and he dropped his chin for a moment, blond curls falling down over his forehead. Jake silently reached up and brushed them back, tucking Rye’s hair behind his ear.
“I love it when you do that,” Rye admitted, and then he said, “And you didn’t do anything wrong. It was, um, me. It was my... um, I... I felt...”
It was too hard to talk about, even though he would have really liked to be able to at least tell Jake the truth—that what he’d felt had been arousal, a tug in his groin, a need. He’d never felt anything like it before, or, well, never... in a pleasant way. Never in a way that didn’t involve him also feeling sick, nauseous, shameful.
But he wasn’t ready to talk about that yet. And he wasn’t ready for anything more. And he wasn’t even sure, now, if he wanted another kiss tonight. Even just a light kiss.
So he leaned back against Jake and let Jake hold him.
It was a few long moments later when Rye was finally able to relax ever so slightly into Jake’s embrace.
And as he did, Jake seemed to relax too. He buried his head into Rye’s hair and breathed deeply. Then he murmured, “Mmm, you’re just... beautiful.”
The compliment sent a burst of warmth through Rye’s chest, and he closed his eyes as Jake continued.
“I think you know this,” Jake began, his voice soft, like his touch, “but I want to say it again, just in case. I want nothing more than for you to be comfortable in whatever we do. I don’t want anything more than what you’re really ready for and what you want.” Jake’s chest rose and fell as he took a slow, controlled breath, and then he said, “And, um, I wanted to say I understand. If you’re thinking what I think you are, about not having felt things like this before. It’s the same for me. But we can talk about that some other time. Maybe when we’ve both had a chance to, um, process it.”
That made sense to Rye, and he nodded weakly against Jake’s chest. He did remember Jake telling him about his own lack of experience, how he’d tried to date a few times but he’d never really felt anything, and every attempt he’d made hadn’t gotten him anywhere. Jake had said he assumed he was somewhere on the asexual spectrum; Rye didn’t really know too much about all that—sexuality and asexuality and whatever kind of spectrum it could be. But he understood what Jake had said, and right now, he was quite glad Jake agreed they could put off talking about it.
Hedidneed time to process it. And it seemed Jake probably did, too.
More than that, he was also starting to feel exhaustion creep back in, and he wondered if maybe, now that he’d seen Jake and talked a bit and had some semblance of a normal evening,maybehe’d be able to sleep tonight without all the nightmares and strange, unsettling dreams that had been plaguing him for the last couple of nights.
Rye tilted his head back, and Jake shifted to look down at him. He blinked and nodded, hoping the gesture communicated what he needed it to. And he moved his hand to Jake’s chest, setting it right in the middle so he could feel Jake’s heartbeat.
You can kiss me again. Just a little kiss. I want that.
