“Yeah, yeah, I’m good. I’m great, really,” Ollie answered quickly, but Sam heard his uncertainty.
He swallowed, nodded, and turned his head slightly to kiss Ollie’s cheek. “Okay.”
Ollie let out another long breath and then slipped off Sam and settled on his own side on the bed. Sam mirrored him so they faced each other, and he set one hand directly on the middle of Ollie’s chest. A small smile flashed across Ollie’s lips, and Sam’s heart stuttered when Ollie reached up and placed his hand over Sam’s.
“I, um, have something I’ve been thinking a lot about,” Ollie started, his eyes flicking up briefly to Sam’s before shifting down again. Sam opened his mouth to speak, but Ollie shook his head gently. “It’s nothing bad, I promise. But it’s really difficultto talk about, so, um, if you can just let me say what I need to say first, and then... then we can discuss it?”
Sam nodded quickly, but his chest felt tight as his eyes met Ollie’s. They were dark and unsure, some deep pain in them. He’d seen it before, but it had been a while now. He leaned toward Ollie and kissed his forehead. “Of course, love.”
Ollie smiled softly. “I love when you kiss me like that,” he said quietly, and so Sam did it again—a gentle kiss on his husband’s forehead, lingering for an extra second before he pulled back. Ollie’s eyes were closed, and he still smiled.
But when he reopened his eyes, he blinked several times and ducked his head, his expression becoming more serious again.
“You know that, um... before what happened to me... in Kansas... I’d never, um, had any sort of sexual experiences with anyone,” Ollie started, his voice low and hesitant. “But I don’t think we’ve ever talked about, um... what I used to... want...”
Ollie’s eyes darted to Sam’s for a split second, and Sam was sure he saw something even more uncertain in them. Ollie was right. They’d never talked about that. Their relationship had really just started when he’d been assaulted. They’d only been dating for three weeks, and although they’d certainly had more than one intense make-out session, they hadn’t been intimate or even discussed becoming intimate by then. Everything had been so new, and they’d both been more than happy to let things progress slowly.
The assault had upended everything. Sam remembered times when Ollie hadn’t even been able to tolerate holding hands, simple touches, Sam being too close or even just slightly behind him. And it had been over two years before Ollie had been ready to share himself with Sam. Even now, their lovemaking was still somewhat... limited. Not that Sam minded—he loved every intimate moment they spent together,no matter how much or how little they touched. And he loved every chance he got to show Ollie how much he loved him, every opportunity he had tofeelOllie’s love.
Ollie inhaled deeply and deliberately, and when he let the breath out, he scooted a little closer to Sam and wrapped one arm around Sam’s waist. The closeness felt much better, even though Sam was sure his heart was still pounding in his chest. He wanted to say something—to assure Ollie about, well, he wasn’t sure what. His love, his commitment, maybe? That what they had was and would always be enough? But he pursed his lips and kept himself silent, waiting for Ollie to continue.
“Before... what happened, I, uh, did have... desires,” Ollie said quietly, and Sam felt him shaking a bit. He pressed another kiss to Ollie’s forehead. “And I mean, um, desires to do more than what we’ve... done.”
There was a short pause, then Ollie continued. “I love what we have. I love you. I love who I am when I’m with you. You make me feel loved and whole and... I’m so happy with you. But I also hate that... they... took something from me that I haven’t been able to get back. I hate that what they did to me still has that ... power over me, that you can’t touch me anywhere I want you to, that we can’t experience certain things together,” he said.
Sam blinked back tears as he nodded. He held Ollie to him tighter, and he felt Ollie let out a shuddering breath.
“I don’t know whether you ever wanted to have, um, anal sex, and it’s something I know we’ve never talked about, even with all the time we’ve spent talking about... everything else. Part of that’s because—because, I mean, even right now, I’m... I can’t...”
Ollie trailed off, but Sam could feel as his husband’s trembling became worse. Carefully, he loosened his arms, notwanting Ollie to feel trapped, and he moved his hand to Ollie’s upper arm, caressing gently. “Shh, love. You’re okay. Shh.”
Another kiss on Ollie’s forehead. Another shuddering sigh against Sam’s chest. Another moment hanging in the balance. Sam’s stomach clenched, and he repeated the words until Ollie’s trembling faded—mostly.
After another minute or so, Ollie shifted in Sam’s embrace and tilted his head back. Sam lowered his mouth to his husband’s, and they kissed softly, without urgency or demand. Ollie took another long breath as they separated, and then he rested his head back on Sam’s chest.
“I can still barely talk about it,” Ollie said, his voice now so small that Sam almost had to strain to hear him. “I can barely talk about it, and I can barely let myself think about it. The honest truth is, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to handle it. But I...wantto want it again. I want it to be... a possibility. I want it to beourchoice whether or not we make love in that way. Not... something we’re forced to avoid because I can’t stand to be touched... still. If that, um, makes sense.”
Sam nodded quickly. “Yeah, it does, love,” he murmured, letting his hand caress up and down Ollie’s arm again. “And to be clear...” Sam paused, in case Ollie still wanted to talk, but Ollie didn’t say anything, so Sam continued. “You’re enough for me. As you are, right now. Always.”
“I know.”
“I love you.”
“I love you too.”
Sam closed his eyes as he let his hand still on Ollie’s arm, just above his elbow. “I’m not sure I’ve really had that same desire you did,” Sam said slowly. “I mean, anal sex isn’t something I’ve thought much about or really felt like I wanted. But I, um, do want you to be happy and feel fulfilled. And I do want it to be your choice—our choice—not something you’reforced into avoiding. So if it’s something you want—or, um, something youwant to want, I’m here. For whatever that... means for us.”
Ollie’s hand pressed into Sam’s back as though he needed Sam’s closeness, and he nodded. “I do want to try. I want to see if I can... want it again. And I want to be able to have you touch me—wherever you want, whereverIwant you to. And I want... towantto feel you, um... inside me.”
Sam felt his cheeks flush, and he was surprised by the rush of heat that shot to his groin. He closed his eyes and suppressed a groan. But his reaction was enough for Ollie to sense it, and he felt a quiet huff against his chest.
“You’re sure you’ve never wanted it?” The words alone sounded teasing, but Sam heard the slight hesitation, the hitch in Ollie’s voice.
Rather than respond, he just kissed Ollie again and then lingered there, his forehead resting against Ollie’s. After another moment, Ollie let out a long, shuddering breath and relaxed into Sam.
“Thank you for telling me all of this, love,” Sam murmured, his hand drifting in slow, lazy strokes up and down Ollie’s arm. “Do you want to talk more now about how you think we might... start? Or”—Sam paused and pulled back just a little so he could see Ollie’s reaction—“should we just—”
“Just hold me. F-for now, tonight, just hold me. Please.”
