“You still always hesitate?”
Sam nodded, and Katherine reached out and took his hands in hers. It was a comforting touch, and Sam closed his eyes again.
“He had another bad dream last night. That’s... that’s nothing new, really. But he seemed more affected by it, I think.” Sam looked up at Katherine, blinking back tears as heremembered Ollie tossing and turning in bed, trembling and crying out in his sleep. He swallowed tightly. “We got up and went running. That usually—”
“—calms him?”
“Yeah. And then, when we got back...” And this was where it got harder for Sam to share, especially given that this was Ollie’s mother. But the three of them had spoken openly about it all in the past, and Katherine knew almost everything already anyway. Still, Sam ducked his head and felt his cheeks heat up. “He, um, started to kiss me, and it got... maybe a bit more intense than it should have. He was... I-I should have stopped him, and I shouldn’t have... I should have known it was too much, but I... let myself hope for a second that maybe he could handle it. God, I’m so sorry, Mrs. E. I didn’t think—I just touched him just under his shirt, not—not—not lower. Not anywhere I thought would—”
He couldn’t hold back then, and tears began to slide down his cheeks. He shook his head and pulled one hand out from under Katherine’s to wipe them away.
“Oh, Sam, honey, this isnotyour fault. You know that,” she said softly, taking his hand back in hers.
Sam sniffled and shook his head again. “Itwasthough, Mrs. E. Itwas. If I’d just stopped him... And if I hadn’t...”
“What happened? Another flashback?”
The memory plagued him—his boyfriend freezing up in his arms and then crying out as though in pain, shaking uncontrollably. It had been several minutes of hell, several minutes where Sam hadn’t been able to do anything but hold Ollie, trying to talk to him, trying to pull him out of wherever it was he’d gone. Probably... that place. That terrible place where that terrible thing had happened.
He exhaled sharply and nodded. “Yeah. I mean, I think. He didn’t really say anything, uh, specific about it afterward. Not that—not that I blame him.”
“When’s his next appointment with Dr. Solvang?”
“Not for a few weeks.”
“Any chance he could get in sooner? It seems like... things are escalating,” Katherine said.
Sam looked up as he shook his head. “No, um, Dr. Solvang is out of town until mid-September. And... um, he gave Ollie the number for a colleague he trusts, in case... you know, things get really bad. But you know Ollie, he—”
“—doesn’t want to see anyone else. I know. He was the same way with the therapist he saw after his dad passed away. And, I mean,I understand being hesitant, but that’s twice in two weeks now?” Her voice trembled just a little, and Sam’s heart sank.
“Y-yeah. And... the nightmares... they’re almost every night now. They’re not usually as bad as last night, and I’m... I’m really glad I’ve been there with him. But I just—I just wish there was more I could do. I-I love him. I love him so much.”
“Oh, honey, I know. I know. And I’m so incredibly thankful he has you,” Katherine said, and the next thing he knew, she stood up, pulled him to his feet, and wrapped him up in another big hug.
Sam returned the embrace, suddenly overwhelmed with gratitude, and he let himself cry again. “It’s not—it’s not fair. I mean...” He pulled away just enough to wipe the tears from his cheeks. “I know ‘life isn’t fair,’ but... but I just wish I could go back in time... back to that day, be there to stop it from happening to him. He’s... he’s the best person I know, Mrs. E. He’s kind and funny and smart and... It—it shouldn’t happen to anyone. But god, I just really, really wish it hadn’t happened to him.”
Katherine didn’t say anything, but her arms tightened around him again as she nodded. Sam could feel her shaking too, and he knew she could have said the exact same words he had. She would give anything to have protected her son from his attackers and from the aftermath of all of it. Sam had been there with Ollie then; they’d met, become friends, and started dating just weeks before Ollie had been assaulted. But those days had been some of the roughest days in Sam’s memory, and he certainly didn’t want to relive them right now.
Finally, the two pulled apart, and Katherine wiped the tears from her eyes and moved around to the other side of the island.
“Are you sure you don’t want any coffee? I brewed a fresh pot and—” She stopped herself and let out a sharp breath. “I shouldn’t change the subject like that, I’m sorry, Sam.”
Sam stood slowly. “No, I... I understand, Mrs. E. And I really appreciate you letting me come over and... um, share all of this with you. I want to be there for Ollie however I can. I just... I’m so sorry I just messed up today, and I—”
He closed his mouth and screwed his eyes shut as he remembered the feeling that this time really was different, that Ollie was pulling away or something. How could he even explain that feeling to her? He wasn’t even sure why he felt that way. It was just a feeling, after all. Nothing more. But it unsettled him, and suddenly, he wanted nothing more than to see Ollie again, to hold him, to remind him...
“Sam?”
He pulled his phone out of his pocket to check the time, but it was barely 8:45 a.m. Shaking his head, he put his phone away and looked back up at Katherine. Her expression was filled with concern.
“Sorry, I-I should probably get going. I’m meeting Ollie for lunch at eleven thirty, and I should probably try to take a nap first.”
At her nod, he tried for a smile, but he knew she could see right through it. She reached up to push a lock of her dark blonde hair back behind her ear and gave him a small smile that he could tell was not much more genuine than his own.
“Sam, you... take such good care of my son, and I...” She paused for a moment and shook her head. “I appreciate that more than you know. But you have to promise me you’ll take care of yourself too.”
He ducked his head and swallowed back the lump in his throat. “Yes, Mrs. E,” he said.
