His mom had told him Sam already knew. And maybe that was true. But even still, Ollie just... wanted that freedom to be able to say it. He wanted to be able to look his boyfriend in the eye and say the three words Sam had never had any trouble saying to him.
“I love you, Oll,” Sam whispered, as though he could hear Ollie’s thoughts. Sam’s fingertips grazed his bicep, and Ollie suppressed a shiver.
“I...” The wordsstillstuck in his throat, even though he knew them to be true. He wished he knew why. He’d never felt anything like this—the feelings he had for Sam—and he wanted nothing more than to be able to tell him that. He sighed again, this time in frustration.
“It’s okay, love.” Sam’s voice was still so soft, so kind, so... sincere.
Sam shifted a bit to set his wine glass down and then cradled Ollie’s cheek with his free hand, applying a gentle pressure to tilt Ollie’s chin up. And then they kissed again,long and deep and slow. Waves of warmth and tingling coursed through him as Sam’s tongue sought entrance into his mouth, exploring him thoroughly. Sam tasted of red wine, and it was intoxicating. Ollie moaned and then pulled back for a second to catch his breath. However, a heady rush of need quickly brought him back to Sam’s lips, and their mouths met again and again in kisses that were somehow both soft and urgent at the same time. Ollie let his hand press into Sam’s chest, and he could feel Sam’s heart racing, keeping time with his own. When they finally parted, Sam groaned and closed his eyes, ducking his chin.
“God, that’s just... so good, love. And I... I feel it,” Sam said quietly, lifting his chin again to look at Ollie.
Ollie’s chest rose and fell rapidly as he studied Sam’s eyes, their deep blue sparkling with love and want. Butterflies danced in Ollie’s stomach. “You feel it?” he asked.
Sam nodded and pulled Ollie back to him for another kiss, this one brief but still full of promise. “I feel... the words you can’t say.” Sam’s thumb ran along Ollie’s cheek, and Ollie let out a shuddering breath. “I... love you. And I can feel...”
Ollie’s eyes closed as Sam leaned in and kissed his forehead. And it was soft and light and full of all the warmth and love Ollie knew his boyfriend felt for him. He choked back a sob and let himself fall into Sam’s embrace.
“I’m sorry, Sam. It’s . . . You know I . . . You know . . .”
“I know, Oll. That’s what I’m telling you,” Sam said, holding Ollie to him tighter. Another kiss pressed into him, this time on his temple. “I can feel it. You don’t... have to say it for me to know.”
Ollie nodded and just let himself be held, comforted by the solidness of his boyfriend’s arms, the sureness of his boyfriend’s love. It was several long minutes by the time Ollie sat up slightly, groaning at the stiff muscles in his arms and shoulders.
“Ugh, I’m still sore from yesterday, I think,” he complained.
“No hot tub tonight, I’m afraid,” Sam said. “But... Here.”
Ollie gave him a questioning look, but Sam shook his head and scooted back a bit on the couch, pulling one leg up and bending it underneath him so he could sit facing Ollie. Then, Ollie felt Sam’s hands carefully set on his shoulders.
“If this is okay, then... I can give you that massage.”
“Oh.” His heart raced, but with anticipation, and he nodded. “Yeah, I think... that’ll be good.”
“Okay. Just, um, try to relax?” Sam’s voice was soft, and he continued speaking quietly as he started to rub the sore muscles in Ollie’s neck and upper back. He picked some random topic—something about blueberries and seasons and blueberry season—and Ollie realized why he was doing it. It was to keep Ollie’s mind from going to that dark, scary place... That place where he’d been attacked from behind, touched against his will, and forced.
And it worked. The massage loosened up his muscles, and Sam’s quiet words helped him stay in the present, focus on how good he felt.
“And so, that’s sort of why blueberry pancakes are best this time of year, you know? Especially for berries grown here in the Pacific Northwest. Now, when I lived back in Boston with my uncle Barry...”
Ollie sighed as Sam’s hands moved a little lower and then massaged upward, running in long, slow strokes along either side of his spine. It was... so good. It felt so good. He felt so loved.
He turned around, and Sam’s quiet chatter stopped. When their eyes met, Ollie smiled softly and blinked back tears. “Can we try again? The massage... in bed?” he asked, his voice barely a whisper.
“Sure, love,” Sam said immediately, and he leaned in and brushed Ollie’s lips with a gentle kiss. Sam stood, offered his hand to Ollie, and then pulled Ollie to his feet, and together, the two walked over to the bed.
When they stopped, Ollie shifted in front of Sam and lifted his chin just enough for Sam to kiss him again. Their lips met, and Ollie let his hands slide up Sam’s chest to meet at the back of his neck. Sam deepened the kiss, slanting his lips against Ollie’s, and tendrils of warmth and want seemed to spread down into his toes. Ollie pulled back slowly, his eyes closed and his breathing hard, as he felt Sam’s hands move to his waist, his fingers inching carefully underneath Ollie’s shirt.
“Can I...?” Sam didn’t finish his question, but Ollie nodded as Sam’s fingers pressed into him and upward just a little.
With another brief kiss, this one on Ollie’s cheek, Sam shifted away just a few inches and slowly lifted Ollie’s shirt up and off over his head. Ollie half-expected a rush of apprehension, darkness, fear, something. But it didn’t come. And instead, his heart stuttered with more of that anticipation, that... want, as he watched Sam’s eyes darken and his tongue peek out to wet his lips.
“You’re... gorgeous, Oll. I just...” Sam seemed to have to drag his eyes up to meet Ollie’s, and when they finally did, Ollie saw him swallow tightly. “I’ll just... go get the massage oil. I... saw there was, uh, some in the bathroom. So... yeah, I’ll, um, be right back?”
Ollie grinned and nodded, and Sam carefully reached out and gently set his hand on the middle of Ollie’s chest for just a second before turning and hurrying away into the bathroom.
Chapter 12
Sam’s alarm went off at 5:00 a.m., and for just a very brief moment, he considered ignoring it, letting them sleep in today—their last day of their trip. But when he looked outside and saw the moon shining in the clear sky—nothing like the afternoon before, when a huge storm had come in and forced their whale watching trip to be canceled—he couldn’t help but feel excited.
