“No,” he said, more gently. “I would not. But you owe me some kind of explanation, for having just saved you from a difficult spot.”
Thomasin sighed. “I was seeking a book, which I wanted to read.” The words sounded weak as soon as she spoke them; she needed to do better. “A book I was interested in, which I believe Anne has. I know I shouldn’t have.”
“A banned book?”
Thomasin nodded. “I was just curious. I wanted to see what was in it, after the way Anne spoke of it.”
“You wanted to read a banned book?”
“Not really…”
“Then why the subterfuge? You could have just asked her if you could borrow it. She would not have minded.”
“We are not close.”
“Or you could have asked me.”
Thomasin shrugged. “Nor are we.”
Rafe’s face changed. “I regret that. I wish we were as close as we once were.”
The conversation was turning away from the book, but in a direction that Thomasin had not predicted. “I had better return to the queen; she will be expecting me.”
Rafe was standing in the doorway, and began to move aside half-heartedly. “Do you not regret things, Thomasin? Do you never think of how things used to be between us?”
She could not pretend she did not. There were times, when she lay awake at night, or in her dreams, that she had revisited Rafe’s passionate kisses, the powerful desire he had aroused in her, but she had fought hard to overcome such feelings, knowing they could only lead to trouble. She stared beyond him.
“Rafe, please. The Boleyns will be returning soon.”
“No, they will all be dancing. No one will be coming up now, not for a while.”
“Not even the servants, to tidy this mess?”
“They are at supper themselves. Come, Thomasin.” He stepped closer. “Can you truly tell me that you no longer desire me, that all those feelings have gone?”
“It doesn’t matter. None of that matters. There is no future for us.”
His face brightened with hope. “Is that your only concern?”
“Is that not enough?”
“Surely, you of all people understand that life is short. There is no point thinking about the future, when that future may not arrive. When we had the sweat this past summer, either of us might have died, Thomasin. It may strike at any time, and then would you not wish to have acted on your feelings? You are a long time cold in the grave, are you not?”
“But I lived, Rafe, as did you. And I have a future to concern myself about. I would not trade my good name and my reputation for a moment of pleasure.”
“Not even for many moments? Or a lifetime of pleasure together?”
“Have your circumstances changed? Are you free to make your own choices?”
“Who among us is, apart from the king himself? No one is, Thomasin. That is no cause to live like a nun.”
“I do not live like a nun!”
“Of course not!” Rafe laughed. “There is the Venetian! Tell me, have you submitted to him? Do you allow him the kinds of freedoms you deny me? Has he promised marriage?”
“This is none of your business.”
Thomasin was indignant, but Rafe’s questions about Nico hit home after his harsh words that evening.
