“Also, not appropriate if you want to keep your job.” I scowl at him. If Levi knew what Spencer and I had done, he would be pissed. Now he sits here with the nerve to call my best friend hot. The irony is not lost on me that I'm being a total hypocrite right now.
I get inside and take a long, much-needed shower. Grant will be home soon, and we still haven't eaten dinner yet. When I step out, there is a message on my phone.
Unknown
I had a good time today; we can hang out again soon.
Zach. He was nice, and while my intentions may have been unethical, we had a great time. Not being the type of person to leave a message unread, I respond casually.
Me
Yeah, me too
Levi is already downstairs making food when I walk down. “Smells great.” I sit at the island and watch him cook me food, like he always has. “My favorite, grilled cheese.” Didn’t say it was gourmet, but it’s the best we’ve got.
Plating the two grilled cheeses, he slides up next to me and digs in. “Getting hot and flustered over my friend worked up an appetite, huh?” I roll my eyes and watch as a smirk displays across his reddened cheeks.
Wiping his face with the napkin, he shakes his head. Before the front door opens, Grant walks in. Both of our moods shift entirely, “Hurry up, and eat so I can have my dinner without losing my appetite looking t this bastard boy, and the mini slut,Sara.” He sets his briefcase down and then walks out of the room. Levi and I toss our plates in the dishwasher, taking our sandwiches to go, because fuck this guy.
For as far back as I can remember, my father has always hated me; there was no switch from a good dad to a bad one. Hehas always been short-tempered and uneasy, with no attempt to show an ounce of love.Insert daddy issues. I remember trying to be so good all the time, to please him, to make him want to be a good dad. Until he hit me. I still was told to behave, as mother gave him excuse after excuse, but I didn’t have to love him, shit, I didn’t even like the asshole. I just obeyed my mother because I loved her.
What happens when you love someone who never chooses you?
I chose her every time I stayed silent. I picked her every time I covered the bruises with makeup and long-sleeved clothing. She never chose Levi or me. Instead, she used us; she secretly hoped he would take it out on us instead of her, and that was when I realized I hated her, too. When she died, my heart shattered, because she left us. The entire time, she was only saving father or herself, but no one was saving us. The longer time goes on without her, the clearer it becomes, and I see the kind of person she was, the kind of mother she had been. Sickening, to look at your children being beaten and broken and still choosing the monster, to leave them without saving them, evil. She was just that, and no amount of pity or ‘she did the best she could’ spiel would make me forgive her. In truth, she was dead to us before she died, just like Grant is. Only mother is a ghost, and father is a demon, and I pray to whoever the hell is calling the shots that they suffer, just as we have.
Monday and Tuesday flew by. Maddie helped me hit the store for items we needed for Levi’s party, while the boys had a busy two days with away games, leaving at noon.
They came back earlier today, and Spencer is taking me to our spot for a sparring lesson. The thought of being alone with him makes me squeamish, so I do the only thing I can think of. Levi is in a deep conversation with Spence about something. I interrupt them with a smile. “Hey, Levi, Spence has been giving me lessons on how to kick ass. I have one today, and since you're home and don’t have practice, I was wondering if you’d want to come watch?” Spencer’s eyes grow wide and immediately turn into a smile when he sees Levi shift focus.
“Nice, you've been teaching my sister some moves, huh? That's badass, of course, I'll come.” I smile and tell them to meet me at Spencer's truck after school, and we will head that way. Spencer’s look is one of pure frustration, and it makes me smile and laugh to myself as I walk away.Crisis averted.
Waiting for the boys to arrive at the truck, I scroll through my phone when I see the following request from Zach. I smile and think about what he said, but the sound of the truck unlocking startles me. “Let's go.” Spencer walks around and hops in.Someone is cranky today.
Our spot is empty, just as it has been for the last two weeks. “So, learning how to fight, huh?” Levi’s face is surprised. We walk side by side while Spencer hangs back to finish his smoke.
“I didn’t tell him anything. I had him drive me by a self-defense place, and he said he'd teach me. He has been doing so for almost three weeks, and I feel good. Stronger. I want to fight for myself. I just told him I want to protect myself. As a woman, I need to be able to, without relying on your protection.” It was true; I feel mentally and physically strong, thanks to lifting weights and running, as well as these practices. My endurance is higher, and my body feels stronger altogether. Spencer walks over and gives me a soft scowl. Even when I know he is upset, he is so smooth and sweet. Levi gets situated, sitting under the tree.
Spencer walks around me. “Name them.” He says, his eyes staying glued on me.
“Rule 1. I will not be afraid. Rule 2. Consider the attacker and then think about their weakness. 3. Be quick and precise. 4. Control your emotions– use them for strength. 5. I can’t be defeated.” My face stays focused, I can feel my fright being expelled from my body with every rule.I am strong; I am important; I will not fail myself, as others have. I will prevail.I chant these affirmations in my mind as Levi gives a big thumbs up.
I have taken my position and made significant progress in this training. At first, learning the foot placements and steps for simple takedowns versus quick strikes, I kept flinching, and I knew Spencer saw it. Of course, I made the excuse that I had never been in a fight, and he was too fast. Now, I still haven't been in a fight, but I will know precisely what to do if the time presents itself.
Spencer steps into a fighting stance, and he goes in for a punch. I double block him, using my higher hand to block the punch while my lower hand punches his rib with force, but not to hurt him. We review blocks and various styles of takedowns. He takes his time correcting my form and showing me the best places to land my punches and kicks, to ensure the most damage.
By the end of it, we are both out of breath, and Levi is smiling wildly, clapping his hands. “Letty, that was fucking incredible. Spencer, dude, thank you. What you have taught her is amazing. You're a good friend and hella good brother to us.” Levi embraces me in a big hug and gives Spencer a pat on the shoulder.
Spencer wipes his hairline with his shirt, lifting the sweat-stained shirt to reveal his hard abs and rapid breathing. Iredirect my eyes right away, even though I don’t want to. He looks at me with a sly smirk, “You did well today, you get better every single day, I am proud of you, Scar. Killing it.” He winks and walks to his truck. Levi and I follow behind him.
“I’m proud of you, too. It’s amazing what he’s taught you; he must be a good teacher.” He smiles and speeds up to Spencer.Yeah, more like holding out on kisses for sucky punches and no coming after for bad form. Great teacher. We jump in the truck and head back to the house.
Arriving at the house, Levi and I turn to get out, but Spencer asks if I can stay back for a minute and talk about the lesson. Levi jumps out and heads inside. “See you in a bit, Spence. I’m gonna get ready for lifting.” Spencer nods, and I jump into the passenger seat.
Spencer looks down, his eyes darting around his truck, before landing on me. “What’s going on, Scar?” I scoff.What's going on? He is a damn fool.
“I should ask you that,” I say in a sarcastic tone. Concern crosses his face.
“Nothing, nothing is going on anymore. You don’t text me, and you go out with random people. You ignored me for the last two days and most of the weekend. What did I do last Friday that pissed you off?” He shakes his head. “Tell me, Scar, I can’t take your silent treatment.” Frustration builds in my chest.
