I look out the window, and I see Spencer backing out of his driveway. It's a Friday night; I'm sure he's going to get laid, because I wasn't good enough, so I'll never be his first choice. Stepping into the shower, I let the scalding water fall onto my skin.I'm not going to burn. I'm keeping my word.I lean against the shower, knowing this hot water will have to do the trick.
I get into bed, and loneliness crashes over me. I'm so proud of Levi for living his life; he is happy. He's even started wearing more than dirty T-shirts and laughing about more than dark humor. I miss him, but I won't tell him that.
I'd rather suffer alone than bring my brother with me. After all, I'm the reason he has been miserable for the past year and a half. It's time I freed him. I need to start getting out and doing things; maybe Maddie will hang out with me tomorrow.
I grab my phone and text Maddie. Waiting for her response, I think about Spencer. This may be for the best. I would hold him back just like I have been holding Levi back. I don’t think I’m meant to be loved by anyone, but I can start loving myself and pulling myself out of my negative thoughts. My phone dings.
Me
Hey, want to go to the beach tomorrow? I have been here for 7 months and still haven't seen the ocean.
Maddie
Hell yes. I'll pick you up. Does 11 work?
Me
Yessss.
Maddie
wear a suit.
Locking my phone, I close my eyes, trying to think about my beach day tomorrow, and not Spencer screwing some random girl who can give him what he needs.
Chapter 23
Losing Battle
Spencer
Ripping out of the driveway, I head to the batting cage. I've got to blow off some steam. Lighting a cigarette, I smoke it down like I'm addicted to them and have been denied for months. When really, I only smoke when I'm drinking or stressed, but right now I'm pissed at myself for taking her up to my room. I wanted her so bad, I dragged her up there, kissed her relentlessly, and then told her we couldn't. I played with her, and I didn't mean to. I'm riding a line between Levi and Scarlett.Between my best fucking friend and the girl I'm falling for. I don't want to hurt either of them, and I know it's a losing battle.
As I approach the batting cage I set up, the balls shoot out, and I hit each one, releasing my anger and my lack of resistance toward her. It's like I have all the strength until I'm with her, and it crumbles.
Hit,I shouldn't have done that to her.
Hit.I’m a shitty friend. Sneaking around, kissing her, making her come.
Hit.I need to tell Levi, because I can’t stop wanting her.
Hit.I need to tell Scar I'm falling in love with her.
Hit.I need another cigarette.
After an hour of hitting and three smokes later, I head back home. Levi's car is still gone; he's usually home by now. I decided to call him. I sit in the truck and dial his number.
He answers, sounding groggy, “Hey man, are you heading home?” I ask.
I hear rustling. “No, at Jessica's. What up?”
I look at the dashboard, “It's almost midnight. Scarlett left my house about 10:30.”
“Is Grant home?” His voice sounded more awake.
“Yeah.”
“Shit, man. Alright, I'm heading home now, thanks for the call.”
