Spencer
Levi said you’re sick. Let me know if you need anything. Tacos are on me when you’re feeling better ;)
My fingers hover over the small white keyboard before I swipe up, leaving the message on read. I am mad at him. I am pissed he was rude when he told me it was time to go. He treated me like a disobedient child. I was pissed that he then beat the shit out of Carson, who did nothing wrong. I don’t know what Carson said to escalate the fight, but we were just talking. He wasn't making me feel uncomfortable or doing anything he shouldn’t have been, and, if I'm frank, it felt good to have someone's attention for a while, someone who isn’t my brother or taking pity on me because they’re my brother's friend.
Remembering that night, my pulse quickened, I was caught on video having an actual panic attack. My hands over my ears, squeezing my eyes shut, as I begged for a breath. Grant was right, I looked weak. So weak that I can’t handle watching a couple of punches, because I spiral, knowing exactly how hard a fist can hit and how each swing makes you gasp in horror before it makes contact. Weak for losing my mind in crowded places with loud voices, taking me back to my mother's room, where the shouting buzzed in my ears and the people crowded me intently.Shining lights in my eyes, asking me questions as if I could respond. Watching their mouths move with no sound. It was as if I had gone deaf, the world was mute, the motions were chaotic, and my mind was in shambles.
I know Spencer doesn't know my secrets, or my story. How can I blame him? How can I punish him for throwing a punch when I don’t know his whole story, and he doesn’t know mine? Part of me wants to push him away because he acts as if he cares; all his actions up to this moment have implied exactly that, so why do I feel like I want to run in the opposite direction? For as long as I can remember, it's all I've wanted, and maybe that’s what scares me.What if he hurts me, too, just like the others?Levi’s words play on a loop in my mind: ‘The only hands he has witnessed touch me, have hurt me.’ How can I fault him for being a big brother and wanting to protect me?This is all so confusing. Am I pissed at them? Yes. Do I understand why Levi lost his mind? Yes. Do I know why Spencer lost his? No, at least I'm telling myself I don’t.
Sitting with my thoughts, I pull back Spencer's message. I want to talk to him, at the very least, to try to understand why he did what he did to Carson, but I can’t invite him over because he will see the truth, and texting seems too easily misunderstood. Twirling my thumbs, I finally type,
Me
Can you call me later?
Tossing my phone to the side, I scootch off my bed, my mouth suddenly as dry as the Sahara and begging for water. Heading out of my room for the first time today, realizing it’s pushing the noon hour. Six water bottles stop me with a small note that says, 'Drink me,' and a bag of chips, granola bars, andcookies that says, 'Eat me.' I ever so slowly use my foot to slide the snacks and numerous water bottles through the threshold and close myself in my new prison. Bending down, pain courses through my side as I reach forward, grabbing a water and a bag of salt and vinegar chips.
Getting comfortable, I hit play on the remote to continue watching my movie, just as I'm about to stuff my face with chips, my phone rings -Spencer.
“Hello,” I answer, confused. This is not later.
“Hey, you said to call you?” His voice is laced with concern.
“Yeah, later, you’re in school. It wasn't urgent." He scoffs, and I know I made him smirk, his deviously handsome smirk.
“Well, you say call, so I call. So, what’s up?” The sound of commotion dies down, and all I hear is Spencer’s breath.
“It’s a lot, I think this should wait till after school.” I bite my lip nervously.
“If you have something on your mind, I want to know. I'm on lunch anyway, about to grab a bite with Levi, but I told him I needed to make a call first. So, Scarlett, what's up?”He is relentless, but I can't help thinking about the way he said my name, the way I imagined his tongue brushing his straight, white upper teeth as the L rolled off his tongue…STOP! You’re mad at him, aren’t you?
I pause, regaining my thoughts, unsure of how to begin. “It’s about the party…” I struggle to find the right words to make me sound stronger than I truly am.
He sighs. “I know, I messed up. When I got off the floor and turned around to see your reaction, I felt terrible. I didn't plan on hitting him.”Would he hit me? I don’t think he would, but I didn’t think my dad would either.He stops cutting off his following words.
I roll my eyes. “This talking thing isn’t going to work if you don’t say what you really want to say.”Hi, I’m Scarlett, a hypocrite. It's a pleasure to meet you.
He takes a deep breath. “I wasn’t going to hit him, but I know him, I know his M.O. Then he said some fucked up shit and I lost it.”
I nod, thinking about the situation and how it escalated. “Yeah, I saw that, and so did the whole school. What did he say?” I sink slowly into my bed, lying on my back. Carson was friendly to me.Did he say something mean? Was he pretending to be nice only to hurt me later, just like Grant does?
“No one is talking about it, so don’t worry about that part. Just get better so we can have you back.”Yes, let me heal my sprained ribs and swollen cheek in no time.
“I’ll work on it. You didn’t answer my question. What did he say?” I say with a chuckle, and wait for him to continue. Honesty, everything I want to say, I can’t. I want to tell him I don’t like violence, and I don’t want him, or anyone, to fight for me anymore, but how can I say that without the follow-up question, why not? Instead, I stick with my lies and cover story and sink deeper into the hole Grant put us in.
Spencer clears his throat. “I’m sorry for what I did, Scarlett. Don’t worry about what he said. Let me try making it up to you. I could bring you lunch?” I smile thinking about real food, not bagged, processed food.
“Taco truck?” I question, laughing, remembering my first thought when we rolled up to Jose’s truck. Now I am his number one customer, next to Spencer, of course.
“You got it. Anything else?” My mind is working hard on my subsequent request.
“Yeah, actually, there is something I could use your help with, but Levi can’t know. And I don’t want to put you in that position.” There is a short pause. That sounded way dirtier than intended.
“Hey, I’m Levi’s friend, but I'm also your friend. I can be loyal to both of you. What do you need?”
“I want to go to this gym downtown, it's called D&D. I was wondering if, in a few days, if I feel better, if you could take me while Levi’s coaching practice?” I think about how this is piling secrets, but I need this.
Spencer clears his throat, “Yeah, of course, he has coach meetings on Wednesday and Thursday. If you’re feeling better, I'll take you there.” I hear Levi holler for him, and Spencer tells him he’s coming. “We’ll be over in like thirty minutes.”
