It’s fine. Everything’s fine. It’s just Zayn, your boyfriend, who you spend time with every day. Nothing to be nervous about.
“It’s pretty cold.” I shiver as an unusual shyness comes over me. “Wanna get under the covers?”
When he nods, I pull the quilt up and we tuck our legs under, then I sidle up to him like I was earlier on Anna’s couch. Except now that we’re alone in my bed, it feels a lot more intimate. He tucks an arm around me and I rest my cheek on his chest as we silently watch the movie.
“What’s your bedroom like?” I ask after a few moments. I’ve tried to picture the space Zayn lives in, but it’s hard. If he had a normal upbringing, I could imagine shelves lining his walls filled with books, a double bed to fit his tall body that seems to be getting taller every day, and a messy desk where he would sit and study like he does under the gazebo. I know that isn’t his reality, though.
“My room is just my bed and my clothes, Gianna. Trust me it’s nothing special.”
“It has one special thing in it.”
I look up at him. I can see the reflection of the TV dancing in his dark irises. “Oh yeah?” he asks with a smirk, knowing where I’m going with this. “What’s that?”
“You.”
I peck him on the cheek like the chicken that I am and settle back in against his chest. For all my bravado earlier, I can’t bring myself to make the first move on Zayn now. The fight with his mum’s boyfriend obviously killed the mood I was hoping for tonight, but I had every opportunity to bring it back to life right now and I couldn’t.
What if he doesn’t want to have sex with me?
Zayn has been nothing less than a gentleman around me. Even when our make-out sessions have gotten heated, he’s never let them get out of hand. Never tried to push me for more like I know other boys at our school do to their girlfriends.
Is there a reason for that? Does he not want me like that? Or is he just waiting for me to act first?
Has he had sex with anyone else before?
It’s something I’ve been too shy to ask him, but even the thought of it now makes my stomach cramp worse than when my period’s due. He told me he’s never had a girlfriend before, but I’m not naive enough to think that automatically means he hasn’t had sex. I suddenly hate any imaginary girl that may have touched my boyfriend before.
“I like being in your room,” he says quietly, pulling me from my thoughts. I take a quick peek back up at him but his eyes are fixed on the TV. “I feel like I get to see another side of you that no one else does.”
“Do you like that side?”
“I love it,” he says reverently, stealing my breath from my lungs.
“I love having you here,” I grip him tighter. “This is how I want to spend every night for the rest of my life.” The words spilled out of my mouth with an unknown force, but I don’t regret them. It’s the truth.
Zayn goes still beneath me.
“That sounds an awful lot like a marriage proposal,” he teases. “Are you promising me forever, Gianna?”
“Longer than that.”
I finally tip my head up, and before I can back out, I crush my lips to his. The kiss starts slow but firm as Zayn’s hand finds the back of my neck and draws me in closer against him. I tangle my legs with his, and the knowledge that we’re actually alone in my bed makes a fire ignite inside me, spreading from my stomach to the tips of my toes. My blood scorches me from the inside when Zayn deepens the kiss. The hot glide of his tongue against mine sends a wave of desire through me so strong I don’t know what to do with it. The pressure has been building between us for weeks andI feel like I’ve lost control of my own body when it starts to act of its own accord, rubbing firmly up against Zayn.
My heartbeat drops like a dead weight into my core when I feel something hard press back up against me.
Zayn pulls away from me, panting. It’s then I realise I’m panting just as hard as we stare into each other’s eyes. A smile spreads across my lips.
“Gianna,” Zayn says, his voice ragged, as I place my hand against his chest. He’s propped up on his forearm and we both lay on our sides facing each other. “Are you, uh, do you want to… you know?”
I respond by rubbing up against him again. Heat pools in my belly like liquid honey and my eyes nearly roll back in my head as my body screams ‘YES, THIS is what I’ve been looking for’.
Zayn lets out a guttural groan and moves his hips away from me. I could cry at the loss of friction.
“I don’t have a condom,” he grits out between his teeth like every word is costing him something precious. Somehow, his words only make me hotter. I like that Zayn doesn’t expect anything from me physically; it only makes me want to give it to him more.
“Do you want to?” I ask, disregarding his words. I need to hear him say it, too.
He looks at me like he’s a dying man and I’m his miracle cure. “More than anything else in this whole world.”
