Dad seems to sense where my head is. “That’s what I thought,” he chuckles to himself. “If your mother was still here, I would do the same.”
Holy moly, he’s talking about Mom.
No one make any sudden movements!
I try to act casual in my reply. “Oh yeah?”
“I mean, we didn’t have a lot of money to begin with, but I always did what I could to make her comfortable and happy. It would have been nice to finally spoil her properly.”
Aww.
“She was…” He fondly pauses. “She was too good for me. By some miracle or poor judgement on her part, she loved me. When we started having kids though, I finally saw why we were meant to be together: no one else would have been able to love and care for her and you guys the way I could. And, before you think it, IknowI fell short with you kids after she died. Really short. I was neglectful and that’s completely on me and not taking care of my mental health.
“But when she was alive, so was I. I wanted to doeverythingfor her. Nothing felt like a duty—it was all instinctual.”
His words float around my head while we work in silence. So many thoughts and feelings and memories kick up.
I would have loved to know that version of my dad before Mom died. My whole childhood I tried to find that guy.
Weirdly enough though, I sort of understand what he means by being the only one who could care for someone the right way. Renée, obviously, is out of my league, but the more I learn about her and the more time I spend with her daughters, the deeper my confidence grows. I could happilybe what they need—what they want—because providing for themiswhat I want.
“What would you have done with her?” I ask. “Y’know, now that you’re retired and financially comfortable.”
He pours some kind of cleaning solution into a spray bottle before attaching it to the hose. “Traveled with her. I would have liked to see what she looks like in Paris. Maybe we would have bought a boat.”
“I don’t know, Dad. I think Raf would shoot down that idea. He told me I couldn’t buy one.”
“Because you wanted to buy a yacht,” he replies with snark. He sighs like he’s imagining himself out on the water already. “We would have bought something like a wood runabout.”
I snort. “You want the kind of boat yacht owners use to zip around with? Dad, I think we’re missing an excellent opportunity to pair up our boating interests. I’ll get the yacht, you get the runabout! Everyone’s happy. Except maybe Raf. And Ang. And Isaiah. And Dane. And my financial advisors.”
“Maybe sit on that idea for a while, son. That’s a massive purchase.”
“Fine,” I mumble. “Doesn’t mean you can’t buy your runabout.”
He doesn’t reply right away, choosing instead to spray the soap and water mixture all over one side of the AC unit. I can tell he’s not focusing on the task so much as he’s contemplating my question.
“I don’t know,” he finally says. “It’s not as appealing without her.”
“Have you thought about dating again?” As soon as the words are out of my mouth I freeze. Where is my filter?
Dad looks frozen too.Sugar.I really stepped in it this time.
“That would imply I dated in the first place,” he says. “Your mother and I just sort of fused to each other as soonas we met in college. But…”
But?!
“...It’s something I’ve been discussing with my therapist.”
“Are you allowed to date your therapist?”
He furrows his brow. “No. Dating is something my therapist thinks I’m ready for... withotherpeople,” he clarifies.
“Ohhh,” I drawl. “Wow, dude. That’s kinda huge.”
“It’s weird when you call me dude. But yeah, it’s a big step. I’m not so sure though.”
“Jonah!” screams the voice of a little girl in the distance. Dad and I both turn our attention to find Delta running toward us from where the school bus has dropped them off at the end of their driveway.
