Jay: U still have a place to live with me. Rebecca and Vinny will still pick u up. I can’t make it. I’m sorry.
What? He’s not coming? I’ve really fucked this up if he doesn’t want to even see me. I quickly tap out my reply.
Marco: Don’t do this. I’m sorry if I said something wrong, but I meant it all. Please tell me where your thoughts are.
Message Failed to Send.
Shit!
I type it out again and hit send, and again, I’m blocked. My whole body stings. I’ve never known Jay to be so removed, so callous. I have to choke back my tears and push my palms into my eyes. I want to upheave this fucking desk and throw my chair across the garage. I want to scream until my lungs give out. Why won’t he let me in?
With that one message—with the reblocking—it’s like he took away my real home. He may still be offering me shelter, but if he’s not letting me in his heart again, then I have no home.
I take a deep breath in and let it out slowly. My anger won’t solve anything. My anger is just a product of my father, and I refuse to perpetuate that. So I inhale and exhale several more purposeful lungfuls, calming my body and mind. I feel my body relax, open my eyes, and set a new plan.
I open an old chat I have with my sister and cut to the chase.
Marco: I need your help. I’m in love with Jay and I scared him off.
Bec: Good morning to you, too. Jesus Christ that’s one way to say hello. You’re in love with him? Like more than a friend?
Marco: Yes, like crazy stupid love in love with him.
Bec: That was a really good movie.
Marco: Yeah, I know. Now can you please help me? He blocked me after I… told him some things, but just need you to relay a message for me.
Bec: Of course. Anything.
Marco: Tell him… I meant every word.
Marco: And beg him to come to Fort Belvoir with you guys. He said he couldn’t make it, but I think he’s just afraid.
Bec: You got it. Wow… this is so much to process. I mean, I’m surprised, but also not? You and Jay have been so close for so long and I’ve seen you flourish these last few years bc of him.
Bec: I’m proud of you, little brother. I can tell he makes you happy. You found someone you can finally open up to.
She’s proud of me? I just told her I opened my heart to him and he flayed me—and she’s proud of me.
Maybe I’m a little proud of myself.
Two weeks after Jay cut me out, I’m dressed in my service uniform, standing in formation with the rest of my unit. Everything is pressed and gleaming. I may look my best, but I’m roiling with fear. What if he didn’t come? What if he did? I’ve been playing this scenario in my head since before I flew back. How I’m going to find him and make this right.
I know my family is here, but I can’t see them yet. There’s a large crowd of people waiting for the ceremony to end, so they can rush to their loved ones. I can’t get over that this was my last deployment and I’m mere minutes away from entering our country as a civilian once again.
As an Army veteran.
As Jay’s best friend.
As Jay’s—because I’m only his. If I have to spend the rest of my life convincing him of it, I will.
My attention and memory stays trained on thoughts of Jay as speeches are made, and the pomp and circumstance of it all fades to my periphery.
His smile. His inquisitive mind. His playfulness.
“Marco!” a man’s voice booms. Pulling myself out of my own thoughts, I turn my head, blocking the sun with my hand. Everyone from the crowd is filtering through the ranks, and I see Vinny with Viera in his arms, and my pregnant sister waving at me. While I’m happy to see them, I still look around forhim. My family rushes toward me as I pick up my pace and wrap my arms around them.
“Welcome home, brother,” Vinny says. “It’s good to have you back. Vi, do you remember Uncle Marco? Can you say hi?”
