Relief floods me with what Marco is offering. It’s been weighing on my mind for a while now. Would they still want me if I couldn’t have kids? If I wouldn’t want kids again? Would they resent me for this?
“Really?” I ask.
“Of course,” Marco replies with a crooked smile. “Sweetheart, I know we told you we wanted children, but if you’re not ready, never ready, then that’s okay.”
“You’re stuck with us, boss. No matter what.”
I smile at both of them, but then Dr. Z’s words from a previous session ring through my mind and a tightness coils in my gut as I prepare to bring this up. “I have this fear that if I have another child, biological or not, and they don’t fit this perfect cookie-cutter mold, that our relationship will suffer.” I’m trying to be brave and keep myself collected, but a single tear threatens to drop down my cheek.
“No,” both of them supply as they run their palms over my arms and hands.
“Cora, no,” Marco repeats. “We would never, ever, do something like that. Have you been harboring this feeling for a while?” I nod and his expression softens. “Baby. Our love is not conditional for you or for our future child—ifthat ever happens.”
“I know. I just had to be sure and voice my feelings.”
“Thank you for telling us,” Jay says as he leans in to press his lips to my jaw.
I feel like a boulder has been lifted off me with this confession. A big part of me already knew they would react like this. But a deeper, darker part of me told me to be afraid. To guard myself. And that’s the part that held me back. That’s the part that needs a light shone upon it. To be exposed and examined. Because as therapy has taught me, if I can talk about it, I can start to heal from it.
I squeeze Marco’s large hands and smile. “I’m not saying I want to have kids right now. I’m just saying, I like the idea of us as a family.”
“Ilovethe idea of us as a family,” Jay drawls, bringing me in and wrapping his big arms around me. Marco follows suit, kissing along my neck and shoulder. Our limbs are a jumbled mess, but I can’t seem to care. Jay and Marco find each other’s lips and seal them. “We trapped her.”
I can’t stop my giggle from bubbling up. “You did. And you know, I was talking with George, and she really wants you guys to move in with us.”
Marco chuckles. “Oh, she does, does she?”
I shift enough out to look at them both and shrug. “She does. She was like ‘meow’ and I was like ‘whoa, that makes a lot of sense, George.’”
Jay tosses his head back and lets out a deep laugh as Marco smirks, “I knew she was on my side.”
Chapter 26
Lucky Shirt
Marco
Two Years Ago
“Thesearepracticallynew.I’ll wear my old ones,” Jay says, handing me a pair of cleats.
Taking them, I have a seat on the grass sideline. “Thanks, man.”
Fairmount Park is bustling today with people playing around. Jay asked if I could sub in for one of his club soccer teammates today. It’s been a while since I played soccer, but it’s a warm spring day and I’m with good company, so I’m eager to help.
“I should be the one thanking you. You’re saving us from forfeiting the game.”
“I don’t know how much help I’ll be,” I chuckle.
“Don’t worry. Just stay close and I’ll make you look good.”
I smile at him, but I don’t tell him just how much those words ring true. Being close to Jay is my comfort zone now. We skipped all pretenses and decided I would stay with him instead of staying with my sister on this leave. I still go over almost every day while Jay’s at work to watch my niece, but he told me to just stay with him since we hang out constantly anyway. Secretly I was hoping he’d offer exactly that.
Like every deployment, I spent every spare moment messaging him. It became a reflex. A compulsion. Talking about everything and nothing. Our families, childhood, daily life. Secrets. Sometimes our conversations were deep, probing, and philosophical. Sometimes they were about pussy—or dick in Jay’s case occasionally.
Part of me feels weird when he talks about relationships. Or that woman he met a little while ago who ghosted him, and he’s still a little broken up about—more so than I’ve ever seen him. That’s the one I feel weirdest about. All his past relationships have been short and, I don’t know… insignificant. But this last woman, he’s hurting more than usual and it’s digging at me in a way. It must be because I don’t like to see him struggling.
Yeah. That has to be it.
