“I loved them.”
Marco glances at me. “Yeah?”
“Leo is the cutest, and Viera is so smart and sweet. Vinny and Rebecca are so kind and generous… I definitely want to come back.”
“And you weren’t triggered at all?” Jay asks.
“No. I kept checking in on myself, but I kept coming up feeling positive.”
“That’s great, sweetheart. I knew you’d love them.”
“You guys were making me melt watching you with Viera and Leo. Seriously. How dare you?”
“We’ve been doing it together since Viera was born,” Marco says. “There isn’t much we can’t handle.”
“Diaper explosions? Done it. Melt downs? Handled. Bedtime routines? Perfected.”
“Stop it, you’re gonna get me all hot and bothered,” I tease. “Which reminds me, I’m gonna need you to buy a baby sling and wear it all the time. That shit was like lingerie.”
Chapter 17
Communal Shower
Jay
Three Years Ago
“Dude,doesDanactuallyexist? This room looks exactly the same as when I was here last year.”
I chuckle at Marco as he walks into my living room, scratching his taught stomach and lifting his shirt as he does, exposing his dark happy trail. It takes everything in me to avert my gaze. “He does. He still hasn’t come back here though. You were the last person to sleep in the bed when you were here last year, believe it or not.”
Marco is staying with me as a last-minute change of plans. Rebecca’s whole house is sick right now, so I offered for Marco to stay with me—you know, because pining for my best friend for the last two years hasn’t been hard enough, so let’s throw in seeing him every waking moment.
I picked him up from Fort Belvoir again yesterday, and again I got too emotional. This last contract of his was even harder on me. It’s like all that time we spent together over his last leave compounded my feelings for him. I was hoping it would do the opposite.
During his deployment, we would message each other endlessly, and he obviously doesn’t know this, but I would spend sleepless nights rereading our conversations, dissecting each word, looking and hoping for hidden meanings that were never there. I’d cancel plans with friends and family because I knew he would be online at a certain time, and I didn’t want to miss his messages. His emojis. I hung on every word and dancing dot that appeared as he typed. I listened to every song he said he liked and made an extensive playlist of them calledHe’s Killing Me Softly With His Songs.
I don’t know where to go from here. I’ve tried moving on from him, I’ve tried distancing myself from him, but the more I tried, the worse I felt. So here I stay, in a perpetual and tortuous, unhealthy and unrequited crush with my best friend.
Marco shakes his head as he walks into my kitchen and pours himself a cup of coffee. It’s Friday, and I took yesterday and today off work so I could be with him—because I’m down bad—so this lazy morning with him is its own level of beautiful emotional turmoil.
He closes his eyes and takes a sip of coffee. “Mmm, the good stuff.”
I smile at his relaxed state, so at ease in my kitchen before I stand up from the couch and make my way over and open the cupboards. “If you’re hungry, I was going to make some breakfast. I also went grocery shopping the day before, so whatever you see, have at it.”
He looks in the cupboard and the one next to it, pulling out a bag of popcorn kernels. “Did you… did you buy all my favorite snacks?”
Oh shit. I’ve been caught.
I clear my throat. “Yeah, well… It's literally the least I can do. Don’t mention it.” What he doesn’t know is I went to four different stores to make sure I got every single snack food he’s ever mentioned liking.
He lifts one eyebrow. “Ya know, this is a good way for me to never leave.”
“You can stay as long as you like,” I add a little too quickly. “I mean if you want to. Your family probably wants to see you though, once they’re better.”
“Yeah, but I want to spend time with you just as bad. Fuck, last time I was on leave we spent most of our time together anyway.” He contemplates quietly for another moment. “It’s not a bad idea, if you’re sure. I don’t want to encroach on you.”
“Not at all. When I go to work during the week, you can spend that time watching Viera like you planned on.”
