“What?” Alice asked, as she sat back down, picking up her tea and clutching the cup as if it would give her life.
“You were so insistent that we go out today and that we needed to retrieve the wood anemone specifically. Why do you need it for the garden when it grows nearby in the woods? Why isthisplant specifically so important?” He desired to know more about what was driving her, not just in terms of their disastrous outing today, but more generally—with the garden and her motives for being at Hampton House at all.
“Because of its meaning, I suppose.” Setting down her teacup, Alice reached up and began plucking pins from her hair, sending the soaked, heavy tresses tumbling around her shoulders.
“It symbolizes anticipation, a new beginning,” she said, combing through the tangled, wet mass. “I guess I feel like that’s what I’m trying to accomplish here.”
Ethan was mesmerized watching Alice weave her fingers in and out of the glorious red and copper strands. Her hair had always been a thing of beauty, but now seeing it down, curling as it began to dry, Ethan thought it might be the loveliest thing he’d ever seen. He was so enraptured it took him a moment to comprehend Alice’s words.
“Why exactlyareyou here? When you first arrived, Priscilla said it was to help prepare you for the season, but I’ve hardly seen the two of you doing anything of that nature.”
Alice let out a deep sigh. “I won’t pretend to fully understand Priscilla’s aims, but I trust she wants what’s best for me. Being here was actually my father’s idea.”
Ethan watched as she physically made herself smaller—shoulders turning in, leaning into the chair as if she could hide within its depths and become invisible. He didn’t like how the mention of her father brought out her deepest insecurities.
“And what exactly did he think you needed help with? You seem like a woman perfectly in command of herself.”
She offered a watery smile and gave a small sniff. “Maybe so, but I failed to land a husband in my first season, so obviously I need to make improvements if I’m to make a match this season—and Imust,” she added vehemently, staring into the fire. “I cannot expect Father to keep supporting me and fund yet another season.”
Ah, so perhaps money was the issue. But that didn’t make much sense as he knew Priscilla’s family to possess no small amount of wealth, accumulated over the generations.
“And what does your father consider to be a good match?” he asked gently.
Her hair now detangled, Alice absentmindedly picked at the fringe on the edge of one of the blankets that engulfed her. “A man from an aristocratic family, ideally with a title of his own. And wealthy, of course. I must take care of Father.”
“Shouldn’t he be the one taking care of you?” Ethan felt like they were finally getting somewhere, like he was about to get a glimpse at the dynamics that made her feel she had to live up to certain standards.
“Oh, he does! He really is a wonderful father. But he’s unwell, you see. And I . . .” Her words had come out in a flurry, and shewas now picking furiously at her fingers rather than the fringe. She looked at him, anxious eyes imploring him to understand. “Please don’t judge him. Life has been so difficult for him since the accident.”
“When you lost your mother?” he added. Of course, how could he forget? Ethan remembered she had told him about the carriage accident when she was just a girl.
Alice nodded. “Yes, Mother was killed, but my father was also gravely injured. For a long time, I feared losing him as well.” She paused and gave an audible swallow, obviously disturbed by memories of the time. “He eventually recovered, but he’s never been the same.”
“What happened?” Ethan felt it was crucial to keep her talking, that he would unlock a new understanding of this vibrant woman who hid behind decorum.
“His leg was badly injured, broken in several places after being crushed by the rolling carriage, and he became very ill when the infection set in. The doctors were certain he wouldn’t survive the high fever . . .” She stared into the fire as she spoke, lost in the world of her memory. “But he pulled through. It was a long recovery, but he lives a somewhat normal life now. Though his leg still troubles him terribly and he can’t walk around easily. But the real trouble is that the infection left him weak. The doctors said it affected his heart.”
She looked so sad, the sight making Ethan rather melancholy himself as he thought of eight-year-old Alice suddenly finding herself alone to grieve a mother and care for her father. He realized that she must have never experienced a true childhood, always worrying about her father and needing to grow up and become the woman of the house much too soon. He thought about how often she’d mentioned working with their housekeeper and realized she’d grown up within the span of an evening.
“I think that’s another reason I was so keen to find the wood anemone. Some interpret the plant’s significance as one of healing and well-being.” She looked at Ethan, her eyes full of sorrow. “The last thing I want to do is cause my father stress, lest it lead to an episode of ill health. He’s looked so frail lately, and worrying about me and my future isn’t good for him. Imustfind a match this year and ease his mind, so I’ll do anything Priscilla thinks best for me. She’s managed to land two respectable husbands now, I can learn from her example.”
In some ways, Alice had learned so much about the hard realities of life at a young age. But in other ways, the tragedies she had experienced seemed to have stunted her growth, forcing her into a role and a mold she was unable to stray from. Thus, she was ignorant of other ways to live.
Ethan understood she existed to please her father, to keep ill tidings away, and knew of no other way to be. He was ashamed how badly he’d misjudged her during their first encounter, not seeing past the façade she put up in order to protect herself. She used propriety as a shield and a guide, and it was the only example she had been exposed to. Most of her life had been sheltered, confined to her home and taking care of her father. Alice only knew what she had been taught and had observed from Lady Wrexham, and even Priscilla in her younger days.
“I’m sorry you’ve had to carry such a heavy burden, but you are your own person, Alice. You don’t need to do anything to appease anyone other than yourself.”
Her spine stiffened as a stern look transformed her face. “And what do you know about it? You’ve lived a happy life with your family and never had to worry about your future. I don’t have the luxury to think only of myself, and it’s not a burden to care for my father or to do what is right and proper.”
“No—no, don’t do that,” Ethan said. “Don’t put on your mask with me. I can see right through it. You don’t have to pretendwith me, Alice. And believe me, I know a thing or two about not wanting to disappoint fathers. What is it that you really want?”
“I don’t know what I want!” The tears finally broke through, but he was relieved to see her walls come down again. “I’ve never thought about what I want. My path has always been laid out for me—who was I to question it and upset everything around me? I want to make my father feel secure—I want to make him proud. What is so wrong with that?”
Ethan let out a resigned sigh. He wasn’t going to break through to her today and help her see that the only person she needed to please was herself. He knew it was an idea he needed to work on himself as he still smarted at leaving his own father’s practice, so he couldn’t expect her to fully understand either. “There is nothing wrong with that. He’s lucky to have your love and care.”
At least Alice made more sense to him now, even if she didn’t understand herself yet.
CHAPTER 18
