She knew she had no claim to Sidney, but his words warmed her regardless. It was nice to feel like the object of one’s affection again—to be the focus of Sidney’s adoration, no less.
* * *
Sidney reluctantly released Angeline from his arms and led her off the dance floor after the song ended. He hoped Angeline felt reassured she was the only one who held his attention, and that he could care less about any of the other women in the room who may be vying for his time. He didn’t want to flit from woman to woman any longer. He only wanted to be with her.
Startled from his thoughts, Sidney broke his gaze away from Angie at the sound of a clinking glass as the room quieted.
Only half listening as several guests gave speeches toasting the new couple, Sidney finally tuned in when it was time for Henry’s, as he was standing up with Reid today. After clearing his throat, Henry began. “Friends and family, thank you for coming together today to help celebrate the marriage of Reid and Elise.” Sidney watched as the newlywedded couple looked at one another adoringly. Reid had his arm wrapped around Elise’s shoulders and was gazing at her with such love that Sidney choked up. He would give anything to be able to look at Angie with such open affection.
“Reid is the best of men, and the greatest friend anyone could ask for,” Henry continued. “He is the type of man I would follow anywhere, and he knows that’s true since I spent years under his command traipsing about the continent after Napoleon.” Laughter came from the surrounding crowd as this was said with a smile and obvious affection. “We could not be happier that he has at last found his true match in Elise. We would not part with him for anyone less worthy, and I know you will be able to keep him in line. More importantly, we know you will be a wonderful partner and support for him as you both work for the good of those around you.”
It was a good speech, and Sidney agreed with every word. While he had not been in the army with Reid, the man had been instrumental in showing him the ropes in the House of Commons. Much of Sidney’s growing success in the House was a direct result of Reid’s influence and leadership within the Whigs, even though Reid was now a member of the House of Lords rather than Commons after inheriting his title just over a year ago. Though Sidney had no desire for the responsibility of a place within the peerage, he could not help but be envious of Reid today as he was so obviously besotted with his new wife, a feeling Sidney would like to experience himself one day.
“So, let us all raise a glass to the happy new couple—the Earl and Countess of Weston,” Henry finished.
“To the Westons,” was echoed throughout the small gathering as everyone shared smiles with the celebrants and one another.
CHAPTER6
Slamming her book closed, Angeline had to stop herself from hurling it across the room in sheer frustration. But even agitated that she could not sleep, there was never a good excuse to abuse such a precious and beloved volume. She closed her eyes in exhaustion as she slumped against the wall from her position perched in the windowsill. The celebrations ended hours ago, and while her body was wrung out from the day’s emotions, Angeline could not stop her mind from endlessly turning as she begged it to quiet so she could finally rest. But it was futile.
She hated that feelings of envy were tainting her happiness for her friends. Angeline felt like a villain for being anything other than purely joyful at Elise’s union and Grace’s happy news. But she couldn’t ignore the cavernous hole in her chest that ached for what she had lost, both Phillip and countless pregnancies over the years.
And more than anything, Angeline hated the pity from others. She had felt it from those gathered all day. It oozed in the awkward silences when happy marriages were discussed, then quickly stumbled into hushed conversation, as those gathered saw her approaching. She felt the glances and saw the heads shaking in sadness as they all knew such a day would inevitably bring up memories for her. She could handle the comforting words of her family and friends, knowing they were offered out of genuine care for her; it was the acquaintances and their well-meaning, but almost patronizing, remarks that really chaffed.
More than once throughout the day Moira glanced at her questioningly but left her alone when Angeline had given a nod, assuring she was alright. Her brother also hovered more than usual, though his presence was more of a quiet form of support that she found reassuring. Sidney, however, could see through her completely and had known she was not alright, no matter how much she feigned indifference to the day’s events. The only respite all evening had been dancing with him. Being held once more, knowing she had his attention and friendship, was thrilling.
Now, hours later, Angeline remained restless. More than anything, while she did not want to see other’s pity, she also did not want to be alone. She was so tired of being alone. After knowing the joy of spending her life with someone, it was exhausting to know she would forever need to take on the world by herself. The strength to do so existed within her, she knew she could survive on her own just as she had for the past two years, but some days she just wanted to feel the comfort and security of another. Even though she had fled from him earlier, more than anyone it was Sidney’s company that she craved. He had stirred something within her.
Still unsettled, Angeline decided to make her way to the kitchen for a snack. Wrapping her best dressing gown over her night rail, she quietly made her way through the halls of Cliff House and down the stairs with only the light of a single candle to guide her. She desperately hoped she did not become lost or turned around in the still unfamiliar home, not wishing to cause a disturbance or get stranded in a far-off room. Turning the corner into what appeared to be the kitchen, she stifled a scream as she ran straight into a hard chest and felt arms grab her.
* * *
Sidney desperately clutched at the form shrouded in the darkness before him and reached for the candle before it could be upended in the tumult. Regaining his balance, he straightened and lifted the candle to see who it was he had collided with.
“Angie?” he uttered in disbelief. “What are you doing up and about at this hour?” Sidney was always happy to see her, but she looked rather disgruntled as she straightened her dressing robe and pulled it closer to her form, concealing her nightwear.
Agitatedly brushing hair off her brow with an impatient flick of her hand, she looked up at him with stormy eyes, glowing gold in her irritation. “If you must know, I was hungry and trying to find the kitchen for a snack,” she huffed. “What areyoudoing up?”
“Pretty much the same thing,” he told her with a grin. “Take it down a notch and follow me. I’ll get you taken care of—I know the secrets of this kitchen.” With a glare at his observation of her feisty mood, she took hold of his arm without a fight and let him lead her toward the kitchen he had just left himself. As she sat down at a large table in the middle of the room, he relit his own candle that had been doused in the scuffle and made his way into the pantry to grab some food.
Reemerging with a loaf of bread and a plate with slices of ham and cheese, he locked eyes with Angeline as she glared at him, still flustered from their violent meeting in the hallway. “I’m sorry I startled you,” Sidney said as a peace offering. “I didn’t know anyone else was up and I did not see you as I rounded the corner.”
Angeline’s features softened at his admission, not able to hold on to her anger as she calmed down from the upset. “It’s not your fault,” she said rather sheepishly. “At least notentirely,” she quickly added. He was glad her fighting spirit was still intact, letting Sidney know he had not frightened her too deeply. “Give me some of that, I’m starving.” She motioned for the food and he quickly passed her a plate, watching as she began assembling a sandwich. “How do you know your way around down here?” she asked through a mouthful.
He chuckled at the picture she presented, recognizing her casual manner as a sign of comfort with him as she would never act in such an un-propitious manner in front of just anyone. “I know you barely ate any dinner, which must be the reason for your current gluttonous display,” he teased. She blushed and brought her hand up to cover her mouth as she chewed a large bite she had just taken. Knowing he spoke only in jest however, she continued to eat with relish. “To answer your question, I’ve spent a few long sessions here over the past year with the men, trying to make plans to advance the Whig agenda. The days spent debating were often long and frequently ended with raids on the larder.”
“Of course,” Angie said after swallowing. “I know Fitz was here for many of those gatherings. I’m grateful for your incursions since you were able to assist me with this excellent sandwich.” Lifting what remained of her meal in a salute to him, she took another bite and moaned in happiness.
“Thrilled to be of assistance,” Sidney replied. “You were quiet at dinner,” he added softly. “Are you well?”
She stiffened slightly at the question and paused her chewing before letting out a breath through her nose and slumping into a more relaxed position again, relenting to the questions she knew were to come. “I’m fine,” she replied, which Sidney knew meant she was anything but. “Today was a lot . . . and I couldn’t take anymore of everyone’s pity.”
He watched her quietly in the flickering candlelight, contemplating how to say what he wanted to without upsetting her further. “I don’t think it’s pity, Angie. For me it’s almost a sense of sadness knowing that someone I care for deeply is hurting.”
She swallowed and looked up at him after brushing off her hands over the plate. “I know you all mean well, and it doesn’t come across as malicious from my close friends. But I can’t tell you how many times conversations abruptly ended with my approach. Everyone feels like they need to tiptoe around me, like they can’t speak about what happened directly.”
She took in a ragged breath, eyes closed as a pained expression crossed her face. “My husband died,” she said bluntly, reopening her eyes. “It happened, and I just wish people wouldn’t act otherwise. By not mentioning anything to do with Phillip, it’s like he didn’t exist. And I don’t want him to be erased simply because someone is worried they might upset me . . . Yes, weddings and celebrations can be difficult reminders, but I’m not that fragile. It’s been two years and I’m trying to move forward with my life—I wish everyone would let me.” The last was said with a bit of fire and obvious frustration.
