CHAPTER30
Dorset Coast—February 1821
Sidney breathed in the cold coastal air, letting the iciness fill his lungs as he relished feeling awake and alive. He finally felt strong and clearheaded, ready to take up his responsibilities as the viscount.
It had been a long three months, but taking the time away had forced him to deal with his grief once and for all as he had no one else to lean on, and no vices on which to fall back.
Shortly after Fitz left him on the floor of his study, he had pulled himself together enough to wash, change, pack and order his carriage. Two days later, ravaged from ill health and little sleep as the alcohol depleted his system, he arrived at Cliff House and begged Reid for a place to stay. Sidney had explained to his friend the plan he had managed to devise on the journey. Agreeing, Reid set everything up to allow Sidney to begin dealing with his new reality once and for all.
Placing him in the dower house that Elise had made so comfortable when she lived there, Reid arranged for his friends and right hands at the estate, Evie and Jonathan, to come by periodically to restock supplies and assist with cleaning. All alcohol had been removed from the premises, and Sidney did not have access to a form of transportation to venture into town and procure more. While Sidney was not addicted to drink as some men he had known, he had come to rely on the feeling of detachment it provided, allowing him to avoid dealing with his feelings. Not wanting to take chances, he made sure every temptation to sink back into that oblivion was removed.
For the first few weeks, Reid and Elise came by periodically to see him, but they mostly left him alone as Sidney had asked. He needed time to proces everything that had happened, trying to wrap his mind around the reality of his life both now and moving forward, and the poor way he had handled new challenges.
With so much time on his hands and focused on regaining his health, Sidney took rambling walks down the coastline enjoying the harsh bite in the air as autumn turned decidedly toward winter. He also spent hours reading in the study at the dower house while sitting beside the fire or perching on the windowsill. Reading was a particularly helpful escape whenever he began to feel overwhelmed, providing a space to lose himself in someone else’s life or a different time and place all together for a while.
As he began feeling clearheaded again, Sidney ventured out from the house more often and engaged with people around the estate. Occasionally he dined with Reid and Elise, and he enjoyed helping Jonathan with the more mundane tasks of preparing for the next planting, the physical labor putting his mind at ease. He even helped brainstorm plans for a new greenhouse for Elise so she could grow medicinal herbs year-round.
Relishing the feeling of having even this small sense of purpose, Sidney realized how adrift he’d felt with Parliament out of session. Becoming an MP and being meaningfully occupied was what had helped him to straighten up his act previously, and he now realized that the life of an idle gentlemen was not good for his well-being.
Another realization was that he’d avoided grieving fully for his brother, as the reality he was gone made it impossible to ignore the fact that he now held the title. Sidney always believed he thrived as a younger son, never wanting the responsibility of ensuring people’s livelihoods. But maybe that mindset had been hindering him and he was actually at his best when serving others, like his work in the House of Commons. Rather than seeing his viscount duties as a burden, he needed to embrace this opportunity.
Reid was helpful to talk with as he came to terms with everything, having struggled himself with how to make a difference as a landholder and not just within the halls of Westminster. At one point, about two months into his stay in Dorset, both Henry and Fitz visited. All three of his friends shared what they’d learned while becoming landholders of their estates, and they assisted him in making plans for continuing his brother’s work at Ravenswood.
During the visit, Fitz pulled Sidney aside to check in on him more closely. “You look well Sidney. I can’t tell you how happy that makes me.”
“It took a while, but I finally feel well,” he reassured him. “How’s Hazel?” Sidney had written to his niece several times over the last month after he had time to get his head right. He deeply regretted that he had not cared for her in the way she needed after losing her father and he was eternally grateful to Fitz and his family for taking her in, especially Angeline.
Smiling wide, Fitz said, “Hazel is thriving more and more each day. We love having her, she’s an absolute delight and Emily is enamored with her.” Sidney took in a deep breath, relieved to hear it. Fitz must have seen the guilt on his face because he tried to reassure him he had done the right thing. “I know you feel like you’ve abandoned her, but don’t. She’s safe and happy, and you weren’t in a place to provide for her. She’s young and resilient and will be fine in the long run. Hazel knows you love her, and she gets excited every time she receives a new letter from you.”
Of the many things Sidney had to be regretful for during the weeks following Nick’s death, he was most ashamed of the way he had left Hazel to deal with everything on her own. He’d used his pain as an excuse for not being there for her, but really it had been fear holding him back. It terrified him knowing that he was now responsible for Hazel’s happiness and well-being. He’d always felt comfortable being an uncle—he could have fun with Hazel and support her—but at the end of the day, there was someone else for her to fall back on. He was all she had now; he was the one who always needed to be there.
While Sidney was still overwhelmed by the responsibility, he was looking forward to going home and building the kind of relationship with his niece that he should have from the start. He would have to feel out if she was ready to return to Ravenswood, but he would put in the work every day to let her know he loved her and would always be there for her.
“And how’s Angeline?” Sidney tentatively asked. Fitz gave him a measured look before answering. “She’s well. I know she misses you, but she’s glad you’re taking this time to get your head right.”
“Do you think she’ll ever forgive me?” Sidney knew how much he had hurt her. Angeline had been so understanding and patient with him, and he had completely taken her for granted. She had been in a vulnerable place herself when first returning to Kent, but she’d trusted him enough to open herself up and explore a new relationship. His inability to cope with tragedy in a healthy manner had shattered that trust, and he knew when he returned home that he would need to work to rebuild it piece by piece.
And that meant starting over from a foundation of friendship. He’d had a lot of time over the past months to think about Angeline’s reason for pulling away from him initially, even before he’d ruined everything, and he still felt like there was something she wasn’t sharing with him. Regardless, she still believed they could no longer be together.
Rationally, Sidney understood Angeline’s concerns regarding the need for him to produce an heir, but there were plenty of married couples within the aristocracy who’d been unable to conceive or only had female children.
Yes, in those instances the inability to produce an heir had not been known beforehand, but these families showed there were other ways to continue the line. And it was not unheard of for cousins or other relations to inherit, just look at Henry. Even in a family that appeared to have a solid line, Henry still came into the title as the second son of a second son due to several untimely and unfortunate deaths. Nothing was guaranteed, which was why Sidney still intended to wed Angeline. There were several things he needed to accomplish first, though, including taking steps in hopes of making her more receptive to the idea.
CHAPTER31
Angeline took in a deep breath as the carriage pulled up to Reid’s estate, preparing herself to meet with Sidney for the first time since he’d left three months before. Though she knew this would not be easy, she owed him a conversation and explanation of why she had pulled away even before informing him she could not bear his heir.
It had been a difficult time without Sidney, and Angeline was eager to see that he was doing well, while also remaining cautious after how they’d left things. She truly understood his grief and how much pain he’d been in. He lost a beloved brother in a shocking accident. No one is ever prepared for such an unexpected loss, but adding in his new responsibilities as viscount and the Lady Effie bombshell, it had been too much in a short timespan for him to handle.
Angeline greatly feared that ending their relationship once she was no longer a viable romantic partner may have been the final straw. Carrying immense guilt that putting distance between them when he needed support the most may have been what made him break so completely, she prayed he could forgive her and that he was indeed his old self again.
Once her immediate concern for Sidney began to ease, her own emotions became heightened as she dealt with losing the future she had begun allowing herself to imagine. It had been so hard for her to open herself up again after Phillip, but Sidney made her feel alive again—pulling her to him in a way she couldn’t deny. He’d made her feel safe, and she was angry that it was upended after such a small amount of time.
The bright spot in everything had been Hazel. She was such an undeniably sweet girl, and being around Miles and Emily seemed to expedite her healing, with her bouts of sadness becoming less frequent. Sidney had also been sending her letters, which always cheered her up. Angeline did worry, however, about how attached Hazel had become to her. She knew the girl was in need of a mother figure, but Angeline would not always be as present in her life. It was perhaps her own fault for indulging the girl and wanting to bring her comfort, allowing Hazel to cuddle up with her every night to read until she fell asleep in Angeline’s bed.
Moira told Angeline not to worry about it, that once Sidney returned, Hazel would shift her attention to him. Angeline knew there was truth in her statement, but she would still need a woman in her life. And when Sidney eventually married, that would be someone other than her.
As for her own relationship with Sidney moving forward, Angeline wasn’t sure what to expect. Soon after Fitz and Henry travelled to Dorset to see Sidney and Reid, he began to send her letters, along with those he’d already been penning to Hazel. She wondered if his intention was to start something new.
