“Has she been informed?” Angeline asked.
“No, not yet,” the butler said, squirming uncomfortably. “We thought it might be best coming from her uncle.”
Sidney began to hyperventilate at the servant’s statement. “Breathe, Sidney,” Angeline said, rubbing circles on his back while he clutched her other hand. Leaning her forehead against his, so he could feel their connection, she tried to reassure him. “We’ll tell her together, but we can’t do that until you are more composed. Breathe along with me.” Placing his hand on her chest, for the next minute, she took in long, slow breaths so he could feel her inhalations. Soon, as he focused on the rise and fall of her breast, his breath slowed enough for her to turn her attention away for a moment and take control of the situation.
Turning to the butler, Angeline began issuing orders. “I need you to send someone to Geffen House right away and inform my brother of what has happened. Then I want to you to arrange for two messengers to send for Lord Carrington and Lord Weston at once.” The butler nodded and went to make the arrangements, seeming relieved to have a concrete task.
Left alone, Angeline gathered Sidney in her arms and held him as she waited for her brother to arrive. He was completely wrecked, clinging to her like she was his only tether to reality. His shuddering breaths slowly eased as she gently rocked him.
Not fifteen minutes later, Fitz burst into the room and took in the scene. “What do you need?” he asked, looking at Angeline.
“We need to go upstairs and talk to Hazel,” Angeline replied. At the mention of his niece, Sidney began trembling.
“I can’t tell her,” he said, beginning to panic once again. “How am I supposed to tell her that her father is dead, and that it’s all my fault?”
“Sidney, this isn’t your fault. The weather turned, no one was predicting it,” Fitz said.
“But I told him to go on the hunting trip. Nick needed time to enjoy himself with friends before settling down with Lady Effie, and I told him to go.” Sidney pulled at his hair, clearly distressed, believing his brother’s death was a result of his suggestion. “I should have known better . . . Oh god, Nick was always the responsible one and I just wanted him to relax . . .” Utterly distraught, he broke down again.
Angeline had never felt so helpless in her life. She knew she must have been in a similar state after Phillip died, but she couldn’t easily recall that time, it was all a blur. Watching the man she had so quickly grown to love break in front of her, she didn’t know what to do. Her own tears came now that she had a moment to be still. Fitz pulled up a chair and sat with them, holding Sidney’s hand while she cradled his head against her chest.
Exhausted from the turmoil of the last hour, Sidney eventually fell into a fitful sleep. Angeline gently extricated herself from underneath him and went out into the hall to talk with Fitz. Softly closing the library door, she leaned against it, tipping her head back as she closed her eyes.
“Someone has to talk to Hazel, Fitz. But I don’t know if he can.” Reopening her eyes, she took in her brother’s distraught face.
“I think we’re going to have to,” he said. “I’ve never seen Sidney like this, I’m not sure he could handle telling her himself.”
They left to find the butler and see what arrangements were needed. Running across the housekeeper, Angeline inquired if she knew where Hazel was, steeling herself for the difficult conversation. Just as she and Fitz were preparing to go upstairs, the library door opened behind them.
“I’ll go,” Sidney said, voice roughened from his earlier tears. “It’s my responsibility.”
CHAPTER18
Sidney felt like he was drifting through a fog. His mind was sluggish and his head thick with unshed tears. He couldn’t comprehend how such a perfect day had turned into utter tragedy.
The clock chimed three times, informing Sidney of the early hour while he slung back the whisky that remained in his glass. He needed the numbness the alcohol provided, needed to staunch the wave of guilt that he thought might eat him alive. Talking with Hazel that afternoon had been the most difficult thing he’d ever done. Unsure what to say, he fumbled his words in an attempt to soften the blow and only confused the poor girl. In the end, Angeline was the one who told his niece gently but plainly that her father was no longer with them. She had been inconsolable and flung herself at Sidney. Unable to handle his own emotions, he couldn’t stay in the room as Hazel fell apart, and passed her to Angeline, who held her for hours.
Unable to eat or sleep, Sidney drank through the evening as the hours crept by. Fitz sat with him in silence well into the night, but eventually he went to bed, leaving him alone.
Sidney knew he needed to pull himself together. He had responsibilities to take care of as the new viscount. Everyone would look to him for guidance moving forward, and he needed to care for Hazel. The weight of it all was suffocating. He didn’t realize how much comfort he had taken in freedom of being a second son. Now he could almost feel the shackles around his ankles, tying him down.
Shuddering, he put down his empty glass and forced himself to stand. The smart thing to do would be to go to bed, but he didn’t think he’d be able to sleep. All he wanted was Angeline. She was just upstairs, having taken a guest room near Hazel. He knew joining her wouldn’t be proper, but he didn’t care.
After stumbling up the stairs, he opened her door and clumsily removed his boots and waistcoat before sliding into the bed next to her. She turned toward him as his weight shifted the mattress, causing her to partially wake. “Sidney,” she said, sleepily curling into him. He wrapped his arms around her and buried his nose in her hair, breathing in her comforting scent. A moment later, she squirmed back, her nose wrinkling. “You smell like whiskey.”
“I may have had a few,” he admitted. Angeline didn’t look pleased by his answer, but she resettled in his embrace. He ran his fingers through her hair, and her body relaxed until she eventually fell back into sleep. Though he lay there for hours, unable to quiet his mind, he felt better having Angie beside him, dulling the ache in his chest he feared might be permanent.
Sidney must have eventually fallen asleep himself because the next thing he knew, he was awakened by the sun in his eyes. “Hey,” Angeline said as he stirred. “You’re up. How are you feeling?” The honest answer was terrible: his head ached and his mouth felt dry, both likely due to an overindulgence of alcohol and emotion the night before. Scrubbing his hands over his face, he replied, “I’ve been better.”
“What do you need from me today?” she asked. He looked over at her as she lay on her side, looking at him with concern. Reaching out, he twirled his fingers through the ends of her red hair.
“I just need you,” he said. Angeline smiled at his answer and leaned in to place a light kiss on his forehead before settling back into her pillow. She began to mimic his movements, lifting her hand to his temple and running her fingers through his short strands. It was soothing, and he closed his eyes while leaning into her touch. “I’m sorry for leaving you alone with Hazel,” he said, voice catching. “How is she?”
“She’s sad, overcome. I don’t think she really remembers her mother, so this is the first real loss she has experienced. It won’t be easy for her, but she’s strong—it will just take time. And she’ll have you to help her.”
Angeline’s faith in him was stronger than his own. Having failed so spectacularly to be what Hazel needed yesterday made him scared for the future, that he wouldn’t ever be able to be enough for her moving forward. Nick’s will had yet to be read, but Sidney knew he was now her legal guardian, having agreed to the responsibility shortly after her birth eight years ago. He’d never felt equipped to the task, and certainly didn’t now that it was reality, but he knew Angeline would be an exceptional mother for her.
“Why don’t we get up and get some breakfast? I know you didn’t eat anything last night, and you’ll need to keep up your strength.” Angeline was right, and Sidney forced himself upright with a groan. At thirty-five, he suddenly felt like an old man, his life decided for him. Shutting down his melancholy thoughts, he kissed Angeline before heading to his own room to prepare for the long day ahead.
