“It was?” Now Sidney was the one who looked astonished.
“Sidney, you had been there my whole life. The charming, older boy whose smile and charisma made me melt. I was drawn to you before I even knew what it meant to have romantic feelings for someone. Why do you think I always inserted myself with you and Fitz? I love my brother, but it certainly wasn’t his company I craved. I used to long for the school breaks when I knew you would return home and I could see you again, even if only briefly. You became the only person for me, and I built you up so high in my mind—you were as close to perfection as possible.”
“I had no idea,” Sidney said. “You did a good job of hiding it. Had I known, maybe I would have felt more comfortable speaking up after I returned.”
“I’m amazed I was able to hide it. My mother knew how much I dwelled on you, and while she didn’t disapprove, she wanted me to broaden my horizons and consider all my options.”
“That’s what I wanted for you as well,” Sidney interjected. “It was your first season, I wanted to give you time to enjoy yourself. Also, to have more time with you so we could get reacquainted and know one another in light of who we had become before confessing feelings that would have drastically changed our relationship to one another. But my father died before any of that could happen.”
“I wanted to wait for you,” Angeline confessed. “I didn’t want to attach myself to anyone else that season and hold out for the next year when you would be out of mourning and able to marry. My mother forced me to continue attending events. That’s how I met Phillip.”
Sidney’s gaze was intense, waiting to hear how her affections had turned to another man. “I found him charming, but I was still consumed by you, and I couldn’t see him clearly. But he was persistent, and I found him easy to be around. We began to spend more and more time together. Before I knew it, he was the one featuring in my daydreams. I fell in love with him before I even recognized it, and I didn’t know what to do. My feelings for him were different. He knew me as a young woman, in a way you didn’t, and I knew he returned my feelings. I had no idea how you felt about me.”
Cursing, Sidney shook his head. “I could kick myself for not speaking up earlier. I’m sorry you questioned what I thought of you.”
“Sidney, you were a young man of only twenty-four. Be forgiving of yourself.” Squeezing his hand, she said, “We don’t know what would have happened if even one thing had gone differently. And I’m sorry if you’ve suffered because of how things turned out, but I can’t regret it.”
Watching him intently, she saw him wince at her words. “What is it?”
Releasing her hand, he tugged at his hair in agitation. “I don’t want to say I wish things had been different, because I know how happy you were with Phillip, and I would never want to take that away from you. But I wish I would have known that you did care for me at one time. Maybe that would have been enough, and I wouldn’t have been so reckless.”
An iciness crept up Angeline’s spine at his words. “What do you mean? How were you reckless?”
“It broke my heart when I lost my chance with you, Angie.” Sidney gazed at her intently, and she could see the pain in his blue eyes. “I felt this emptiness, and I tried everything to fill that void. I’m ashamed of how I spiraled for a time, using drink, cards, and women, trying to numb my feelings and convince myself I was fulfilled.”
His words were like a punch to Angeline’s gut. She knew he’d been rakish for a time, but Sidney had always been the free spirit among Fitz’s friends and took a lighthearted approach to life. Sure, she had heard whispers from time to time about his playboy ways, but she didn’t know he’d been trying to overcome his hurt over her.
“I’m so sorry, Sidney,” she whispered before throwing her arms around him. “I didn’t know. But look what you’ve made of yourself, look at the man you’ve become. I’m so proud of you.”
Sidney held her tighter, stroking the back of her head. “It took me too long to realize that nothing I did would fill my emptiness and that I needed to find a way to be complete all by myself. It wasn’t long after I decided to turn things around that I heard Phillip had died, and then I started to work even harder.”
Pulling back, Angeline searched his eyes for answers. “Why? You had already changed for yourself, what was different?”
“I wanted to make myself worthy of you, should I ever have the chance to try and win your love again.”
CHAPTER15
Sidney watched as tears began falling down Angeline’s face. “I don’t mean to overwhelm you, and I never intended for you to know my feelings before I knew you were ready to move forward, but lately it’s felt like you might be starting to open up. And I don’t think I’m imagining that you feel a connection between us as well, don’t you?”
Dashing at her eyes and chin to catch the wetness there, Angeline took in a breath and slowly nodded her head. “You’re right. I do feel something between us, I don’t want to deny it. It feels like ever since Reid and Elise’s wedding, the feelings I had for you so long ago have started to emerge again.”
The vice that had been squeezing Sidney’s heart for the past few days eased at her words, but he didn’t want to become too hopeful just yet.
“I don’t think my feelings for you ever went away, they just changed, settled into a loving friendship. But now they’re stirring to life in a different way again. What I felt for you before was attached to the ideas and dreams of a girl. I’m a different person now, and what I feel is deeper and more meaningful, but that frightens me.”
“Because you know what real love feels like,” he whispered.
She snapped around to attention at his statement. “Yes, exactly,” she said. “How do you know that?”
“Because there were times in past years when I thought maybe I would finally be able to move on, that I had found someone I could love. But what I felt for those women was different from what I felt for you—I knew my love for you was true in a way that I could never love another.”
“So what do we do?” Angeline asked. “We obviously care for one another, and it could be a second chance for both of us. But I’m still trying to figure out who I am now. Something in me broke and fundamentally changed on that day two years ago when I watched Phillip die. It’s like a part of me died along with him.” A shudder ran through her, and Sidney opened an arm, offering to hold her should she want it. Without hesitating she slid across the bench to his side, tucking underneath. Laying her head on his shoulder, she said, “I know I can love you, Sidney. I just don’t know if I’m in a healthy enough place yet to do so without causing you harm.”
“Why don’t you let me be the judge of that? We can move as slowly as you need to, I don’t mind. The only thing I really need is to be with you.” Bending his head, he looked at her as she peered up from his shoulder. Angeline stretched her neck and closed the gap between them, placing a kiss on his lips. It was the sweetest kiss Sidney had ever experienced, because she offered it to him freely. While the kiss they had shared the other evening had been more passionate, this one was perfect in its simplicity and for no other reason than it had initiated with her. Pulling back after only a moment, a smile lit up her face.
Grinning, Sidney cupped her face and leaned his forehead against hers. “Let’s take things a day at a time and see where they go. Spend more time with one another and let whatever happens happen. Are you willing to try?” He held his breath waiting for her answer.
“Yes, Sidney. Let’s try,” she answered. He couldn’t remember what happened after that, he was too busy kissing her in joy.
