“It makes me happy to hear that,” Sidney said. “I always want you to feel your best, Angie.” Her eyes filled with tears, and Sidney was horrified, not knowing what he had said to upset her. “What’s wrong? What did I say?” He rushed forward and grabbed her arms, but she wouldn’t look at him. “Why were you upset during dinner?” He was getting worried something much larger might be wrong.
“I don’t want to hurt you, Sidney,” Angeline choked out.
“How on earth would you hurt me?” He was truly bewildered. When had the conversation moved from gossips upsetting Angeline to her being worried about him?
She turned away and smoothed her hands over her glorious red hair. She was so beautiful it was distracting, but he knew he needed to focus because whatever she said next felt important.
“Because I’ve been reckless with you and your feelings. I’m not sure what I want or am ready for, but I still asked you to kiss me when I knew it might mean something to you and confuse you. And just now. . .”
“That’s why you were upset at dinner? You were worried about my expectations?” Sidney asked.
“I feel like I acted selfishly, only concerned with how what I wanted from you would affect me, but you’re involved too. Ever since we arrived at Cliff House, I’ve loved connecting with you again and growing closer to you. But in the end, I don’t know what this could be. And that’s not fair to you.”
Sidney didn’t know what to think. He relished that they were getting closer—and yes, it may have raised his hopes—but he understood if she needed time, and it was something he was more than willing to give her. “Angie, I don’t want you to worry about me. Focus on figuring out what you need and let me know if there is any way I can help you do that.”
Angeline came forward and, stretching onto her toes, placed a kiss on his cheek. “Thank you, Sidney. I have to figure out how this all works together moving forward.” With that, she gave him a watery smile and left him alone in the room.
CHAPTER12
It had been two days since the dinner party, and Angeline was still a mess of emotions. Having had almost two weeks to think about Moira’s suspicions, part of her wanted to explore if something more was possible with Sidney. But if he did feel more for her than friendship, she feared the damage she could do by exploring her own reawakening feelings before she really knew if she was capable of a new relationship with someone other than her husband.
Swinging between feeling elated about Sidney’s possible affection for her while fearing their friendship may be irreparably changed left Angeline wrung out. It was gratifying to know she may have been correct in suspecting his feelings had changed before her debut, and if circumstances had been different, she may have spent all these years with him if she had held out through his mourning period as she had planned.
She ached at the lost possibility but at the same time she could not be sad about how things had turned out.
Angeline wouldn’t change her life with Phillip for anything. It had brought her so much happiness. Even with their constant struggle for children and the strain it placed on them every time she lost a pregnancy, their love and focus on one another never changed. Losing him so suddenly and without explanation had been such a gut punch. For months, she didn’t know if she would find a way through.
It was still hard to contemplate the idea of loving someone else, but it was different with Sidney. She had loved him before Phillip; it was as if he existed on a different plane from everyone else. She wasn’t loving someone new, because the love was already there, just awakening in a different way. She now knew that the way she had felt for Sidney when she was sixteen really had been more of an infatuation. But it did not negate the very real feelings she’d had, and always would have, when it came to him.
But was she ready to contemplate opening her heart fully again? And would it be fair to Sidney to try something if Angeline wasn’t completely sure her heart could handle it? Losing someone again would break her, and she didn’t know if she was willing to take that risk. There was also the fact that she most likely would never be able to give him children, nor was it a good idea for her to try having a child again.
Head aching with lack of sleep and heavy thoughts, Angeline stepped out onto the back patio and breathed in the air. She loved this time of the year. Autumn had always been her favorite season. The vibrant colors of the leaves all around were comforting in their tones: deep red, bright yellow, burnt orange. The still bright but overcast skies provided the perfect light, allowing the leaves to show themselves best in the new hues they sported for a short time. She loved that it was neither too warm nor too cold, just cool enough to need another comfortable layer for coziness. Settling down in a chair with a wool blanket, Angeline soon fell asleep.
It was the soft voice of her brother that all too soon brought her back to reality. “Angie, wake up. It’s starting to drizzle, and I don’t want you to get wet and fall ill.” Fitz gently shook her shoulder until she opened her eyes with a groan.
“That was the first good sleep I’ve had in days, you know,” she grumbled.
“Yes, I noticed that.” Fitz was undeterred, pulling her to her feet. “Want to tell me what’s been bothering you?”
Angeline sighed, smoothing her skirts. “Yes and no,” she answered. “I suppose it might help to talk it through with someone, try to straighten out my thoughts and feelings.”
“What else are brothers for?” Fitz said with a smile. “Come on, let’s get inside and then we can talk.”
Settling into comfortable armchairs in the library, Angeline was glad they came here rather than Fitz’s study. There was something soothing about being surrounded by books that lifted her spirits. And she would need all the comfort she could get before endeavoring to have this particular conversation with her brother.
“So,” Fitz said, making himself comfortable, “what is it that has you so out of sorts? Has moving here been too difficult?”
Angeline hastened to reassure her bother that wasn’t the case. “Not at all. It’s been wonderful to be here with you and Moira and the children.”
“But . . .,” Fitz prompted. He knew her well enough to know there was more.
“But it’s also difficult sometimes. Too much of a reminder of how differently my life turned out compared to how I thought it would go.” Hanging her head, Angeline took a moment before looking at Fitz again. “I feel like a horrible person for having such thoughts. Overall, I have led a blessed and privileged life. I shouldn’t have any complaints or want things that are out of my control.”
“And this is what has been bothering you?” Fitz asked.
“In part, yes. But that hasn’t been the main thing on my mind the past few days.” Taking a deep breath, Angeline decided it was now or never, and she wanted her brother’s insight as he knew Sidney in a different way. “I’ve been spending more time with Sidney lately and it’s made me question whether I might want to find a partner again. Moira also mentioned she’s suspicious he might have feelings for me, and now I’m seeing everything differently. It has me feeling uncentered, and I’m not sure how I should move forward with him.”
Fitz expelled a large breath. “I’ve suspected for a while that Sidney may have feelings for you, but I didn’t know Moira felt the same. Has he said anything to you?”
