“I know,” Elise responded, distracted. “I mean you can’t leave tonight. The storm—” she knew she wasn’t making sense in her agitation and forced herself to pause, taking a breath before starting over. Looking him in the eyes, she plead with him, “Please stay here tonight, the road is too dangerous in these conditions.”
Elise watched as understanding dawned and his expression grew soft. “I know why you’re scared,” he said, reaching out and cupping her cheek, “but I promise I’ll be fine. I ride that road all the time.”
“You don’t know that—you can’t promise nothing bad will happen. Nora and Jed used that road all the time too, and they crashed in broad daylight . . . Please.” Elise could feel tears welling and tried to blink them away, but she couldn’t stand the thought of losing him too if he traveled that road tonight.
“It’s alright, don’t cry,” Reid said as he wiped his thumb under her eye, catching a tear before it fell. “If you’re truly that worried, I suppose I can stay here tonight—but I’ll need to leave first thing in the morning.” Breathing out a sob of relief, she was grateful when he pulled her against his chest. As his arms wrapped around her, Elise felt like she was home. How could she have ever believed she could live without him?
CHAPTER26
Elise had been in bed for about two hours when she gave up the idea of falling asleep at a decent hour. Tossing and turning, she listened to the storm as it continued to rage outside. Dinner had been a warm and jovial affair with Evie being her wry self and Reid and Jonathan telling stories from their army days. But afterward, tension seeped back in between her and Reid and she wondered if he regretted staying. Thoughts swirling endlessly in her head, a few harsh truths were beginning to coalesce, becoming apparent, and keeping her from rest. When talking with Reid at Cliff House, Elise had been adamant that she enjoyed her life in Dorset and was happier now after being ruined than she would have been still kowtowing to theton.While that was partially true, she did enjoy the life she had built here and was happier not chaffing under the scrutiny of polite society, she was also lonely and missed her family.
It was true she had a much better relationship with her family than others who had been ruined. Elise had not been disowned as she easily could have been and was still in contact through correspondence. But it wasn’t the same. Things felt stilted and awkward with her father, and she missed watching her sister blossom into a young woman and make her debut last spring.
It was self-preservation at first to put on a brave face and dive into her new home once Nora had made her aware of the property for rent in Dorset. Working here kept her from thoughts about her estrangement from friends and the life she had known before. Then it had become habit to insist she was fine and happy in her new community, even as she felt set apart, belonging to neither her new life nor old.
It wasn’t all a lie. Elise loved having a role in the community, providing for their welfare. And she did have fewer worries and more freedom. Stepping away from thetonshe could see their rampant hypocrisy.
What if Elise were to return to London and polite society with Reid? Though it would be disconcerting returning to that world, it was still the community she had been raised within. She felt a sense of comfort within the aristocracy she couldn’t when engaging with the working class based purely on growing up within that culture.
If she agreed to a relationship with Reid, she would not need to fully abandon her new life. He only knew her as the woman she was now, and that was whom he had professed to love. She would still be involved in the community on the estate, even more so now that Reid had asked her to lead the planning for the communal garden that would become a permanent source of food for the tenants. He respected what she had to offer and would never ask her to act more like a lady.
Thinking of Reid, knowing he was just down the hall, Elise became even more restless. When he had finally held her earlier in her fear, she had wanted to weep with how right it felt. All she could focus on now was how easy it would be to slip into his room, allowing him to keep those arms around her all night long. Many of the ladies she had been raised with in polite society would be astonished by her train of thought, but Elise was reaching a point where she no longer cared. The rules surrounding female propriety were so strict that she had been ostracized for simply being alone in a room with a man even though absolutely nothing untoward had occurred.
Sitting upright, Elise realized another truth. Even though she proclaimed to no longer live by the rules of polite society since being ruined, that wasn’t true. She was still allowing her fear to dictate her actions. Just last week she had made Evie accompany her to Cliff House so it wouldn’t seem improper for her to attend the gentlemen. And she was denying her feelings for Reid because of how it may appear to others.
Now, lying in her bed at twenty-six years old, the furthest she had ever travelled down the road of physical pleasure was a passionate kiss with Reid the week prior. But if the world already thought the worst of her, and they would regardless of whether or not it was true, why shouldn’t she indulge in the pleasure and closeness she craved? What was the point in remaining chaste if no one believed it anyway? Determined to no longer worry about the standards of a hypocritical society, she shoved off the covers and headed down the hall. She was going to live as she wanted, consequences be damned.
* * *
Hearing his door opening and shutting with a soft click, Reid lifted his head from his pillow and peered across the room.
“Elise?” he asked, voice roughened by sleep. “What are you doing?”
Reid had finally drifted off to sleep after lying awake most of the night, trying to resist going to her room and complicating everything further. Now she was here, and it was hard to believe he wasn’t dreaming.
“If this will make things too complicated, you can tell me to leave,” she said. “But before you go to London, I want to be with you, Reid.”
“Elise . . .” He let out a low groan, not saying anything for a second. “You don’t know what you’re doing to me. I desire you more than anything, but is this really a good idea? Our problems will still be here in the morning, and I don’t want to do anything that could further harm your reputation.”
Reid was genuinely trying to respect her desire to remain friends until he could try and restore her reputation in London. It would be irresponsible to do anything that could harm her further, especially when he was about to leave, and she was still resistant to a relationship.
“That’s just it—you can’t hurt my reputation because I’ve already been ruined,” Elise said. “When people hear that label, they assume I earned it because I behaved improperly. If I am going to suffer from the label regardless of whether that’s true, then I may as well enjoy the freedom it allows me.”
Reid let out a low chuckle. “I can’t argue with your reasoning, darling, but just because you can, doesn’t mean that you should. I don’t want to inadvertently hurt you. What if in the end we can’t find a way to be together and you come to regret it?”
Elise perched on the edge of the bed. Taking his hand, she looked at him as directly as she could in the dark room. “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking this past week, really trying to consider what both you and His Grace said.”
“Henry? When did you talk with him?”
Blushing slightly, Elise nodded. “He was looking for you after our disagreement and found me upset in the library. He told me that you are the most resilient person he knew and could handle any adversity we may face from theton, that he hoped I might take a chance on you because he had never seen you so happy.”
Bless the man. Reid really did have the best friends anyone could ask for. “So what have you been thinking about? Have you come to any conclusions?”
Elise squeezed his hand and nodded. “Yes. I realized tonight that I am allowing the past to dictate my future. I talk bravely about now living for myself and how much I love my new life, and it’s not a lie. But I’m making decisions in reaction to being ruined. I don’t like that others think ill of me, so even though I’ve stepped out of the traditional role of a lady, I’m still careful in what I do so I don’t fall further in their estimation. I can’t live like that anymore. I need to stop reacting and take control of my own life. To live howIwant to.
Reaching up, Reid brushed a hair off her cheek. “And what do you want, my dear?”
“I want to be with you, Reid. I don’t want to accept that I’ll never be able to marry. The truth is that even though I have more freedom now, I’m lonely. I want to find a way to restore my reputation so we can be together the way we both want to.” Reid couldn’t stop the smile that split across his face.
