CHAPTER19
Grace’s nose was buried in a hedge as she inhaled the sweet, perfumey scent of roses, waiting for the duke to arrive. She had tossed and turned most of the night, not sure what she should do, but needing to make a decision before she went mad. More than anything, Grace wanted to be in control of her own life. The reality was, though, that neither taking a placement nor marrying would fully allow her the freedom she desired, as either situation left her reliant upon another. But she wanted to put aside her fears and look at the situation rationally.
Grace knew her previous marriage was unusual, and it was coloring her views on the institution overall. Not every marriage was happy, but neither were they as neglectful as hers had been. Knowing Henry was a good man, she could see that a union with him would be different; however, the image of an entitled, possessive duke was seared into her mind, shattering the calm she had felt surrounding his proposal after talking with Moira.
Unable to believe the contrast in behavior from the vulnerable man she had seen earlier that day, Grace was unsettled. She believed he had been genuine when he confessed his intimidation taking on the weight and responsibilities of the dukedom. But it seemed he had no trouble flipping the coin and using the title to work for his benefit. He had even used the seemingly unimpeachable believability and influence of a duke as part of his persuasive argument to her when she expressed her fears at the inequality of their stations—implying it was the reason such disparity would not matter and all would be forgiven by society should she accept his proposal.
Grace could accept that argument if he made it in belief that it was theton’sown prejudices and hunger for both power and status that would unwittingly work in their favor. It was quite another if he believed that because of his elevated rank he could in fact do, and expected to receive, whatever he wished. Her thoughts tangling in her mind once again, Grace took in one more deep breath of a particularly fragrant rose to calm herself before what would inevitably be a difficult conversation. Hearing a crunch on the gravel path behind her, Grace turned around to face her future.
“Good morning, my lady.” Henry stood before her, impeccably turned out. Yet for the first time since she had met him, he did not seem completely sure of himself. Adjusting to his new title, Grace had thought he still knew who he was as a man. It had centered him even in his uncomfortableness as the duke. But standing before her now, Henry did not look her directly in the eyes, making him appear unsure and off balance. Regardless, she couldn’t help noticing how stunningly handsome he was. Grace was not sure if she would ever get used to how attractive he was up close, and her hand once again itched to bush a wayward lock of wavy chestnut hair off his brow.
“Should we sit?” He gestured toward a bench nestled within the roses. After they sat, an awkward silence fell over them. “Are roses your favorite?” he asked.
“What?” Grace said, thrown, as she had not expected the question.
“I wondered if roses were your favorite flower, as you requested to meet here . . . I noticed you enjoying them as I approached.” He was still speaking a bit hesitantly, as if he was not sure how to address her after their dispute yesterday.
“I would not say they are my favorite flower to look at,” she responded, pausing to give it some thought. “That would be either peonies or dahlias, but they are my favorite scent.”
Brow furrowed, Henry said, “Has no one ever asked you about your favorite flower before?” as if offended by the idea.
“No, no one has ever needed or cared to know,” she told him. Saddened, Grace was reminded of the very reason she wanted to talk with the duke in the first place. She refused to have another marriage where she was once again disregarded. What was needed for her to even consider this step was reassurances from him that she would have control of her own life.
Henry sighed. “I’m sorry . . . for how you’ve been treated . . . and for my behavior yesterday. I’m still trying to figure out what made me act in such an arrogant and possessive manner. I know we are not well acquainted, but I can assure you it is not normal for me to act in such a way, and I am ashamed of myself.” Looking down at his feet, he said, “You were right to call me on my behavior, and I will strive for it to never happen again.”
“Why did it happen?” she asked quietly, genuinely curious. Henry looked up at her with a raised eyebrow. “You said you had been trying to figure it out,” she added, “and I am interested in what conclusions you have come to. I think it is pertinent information if I am going to choose to bind myself to you.”
“That’s fair,” Henry affirmed while nodding. “I suppose that ever since I asked you to marry me, I’ve been thinking of you as mine, as if you had said yes. I became protective of you, and when I saw you with Stanhope, I became jealous,” he admitted. “I didn’t like the idea of your affection being shared with anyone else. Perhaps because I knew that even though I felt as if you already belonged to me, I had yet to actually secure your time and attention.” He had a look of deep concentration as he shared his thoughts, and he spoke slowly, finding the best way to articulate them.
“I can appreciate that your instincts kicked in,” Grace conceded. “We all react without thinking sometimes, especially when experiencing unfamiliar feelings. And I can understand that after proposing, your view of me may have shifted. But I still take issue with you saying I belonged to you,” she persisted.
“I did?” he said, looking genuinely startled.
“Yes, you did. You also said the same thing yesterday when we were arguing about it.”
“That’s not what I meant,” he rushed to say. He stood and began to pace, breathing deeply, taking a moment before continuing. “I think maybe I don’t have the right words to explain . . . I don’t mean that you would belong to me as if you were a possession, but more so that you would bewithme. Your affection would be mine because yougaveit to me, not because I took it or owned it. I would take care of you because you allow me to, and because it would mean something to me. I think when I say you are mine, it’s because I feel protective of you.”
“You tried to say something similar last night,” Grace recalled. “You mentioned that me being with you would not mean something if I did not choose to be there,” she said, trying to help him make sense of and communicate his tangled feelings.
“Yes,” he said with excitement, still pacing. “There are few people in this world whom I care deeply for and would do anything for, people I have chosen to spend my time with and share my love with. Because they mean so much to me, I would do anything to protect and care for them, regardless of how they feel about me . . . But having those people feel the same way about me, choosing me in return, makes it all that much sweeter. It makes the actions I would take for them mean more. If something is difficult, their choice of me in return makes it easier to bear. Does that make any sense?” Henry’s eyes begged for Grace to understand, and she recognized he was not used to expressing his feeling this way.
“I do understand,” she said. “To be valued by someone in such a way is a great gift. And you have started to think of me as one of those people?” she inquired, trying further to understand his actions the day before.
“Yes, I think that is what made me behave so beastly. I really do apologize.” He looked contrite and a shade embarrassed at having been so open.
His candor helped Grace know that this truly would be a different marriage from her first should she agree to it, but communication alone was not enough to allay her fears at taking so large a step as marriage.
“I greatly appreciate how you have so thoughtfully articulated your feelings,” Grace told him. “I can see now what you were trying to say. When you stated that I belonged to you; it was a sentiment of care rather than possession, and I can accept that.” Noticing Henry relax his shoulders at her statement, Grace added, “However, before I can consider your idea to marry, there is one other point from yesterday I would like to discuss.” She paused, giving his limbs a chance to seize up again. “I was disturbed by the way you used your elevated position almost as a weapon yesterday. You inserted yourself into my conversation with Mr. Stanhope knowing he would not challenge you as you outrank him in social standing.” Henry hung his head with her chastisement. “When you proposed yesterday, you brushed off my feelings of inadequacy because as a duke, the aristocracy will be more lenient of what you do. It is one thing to use your position for the greater good and push the bounds of what polite society will accept, but it is quite another to use it as an excuse to behave any way you please.
Henry took in a deep breath as she finished her observation. “You are correct,” he said. “Holding such a title carries a great responsibility. Others will now look to me for cues as to how they should conduct themselves. I was acting selfishly yesterday, but I assure you I will not make it a habit to abuse my power.” He leaned forward and took her hand again, drawing strength from their connection as he straightened his posture. “If you are still willing to consider my offer, I would hope that you’d challenge me if my attitude became inflated, or I were ever acting unjustly.”
Grace smiled at the idea that she would be able to address him freely in the future. “I am still willing to discuss the possibility of a marriage between us, but first I think it is only fair that I explain a few things to you which might better explain my feelings, just as you have done this morning.”
CHAPTER20
Henry felt lucky that Grace was still willing to entertain the idea of becoming his wife after he had so spectacularly erred by acting without thinking yesterday, knowing she was wary of the idea of another marriage. After a sleepless night of uncertainty, he feared he had scared her away for good. Now, even if apprehensive about what she would say, he was more than willing to hear anything she wanted to share.
“I think I was so caught off guard when you told me that we should marry yesterday that I reacted from a place of fear,” she started. “While there are still many legitimate reasons why I am not the most obvious match for you, I trust that when you tell me my lack of social standing does not matter to you, you are being sincere.” Henry smiled at her trust, considering it a step in the right direction. “I also concede that given the nature of theton, everything I see as a deficit would not necessarily hinder your ability to be influential in the peerage.”
