Or rather,whoI really wanted. Who I had always wanted.
The day I turned 18, Jesse was leaving for his first full tour with the Marines. He and Kent had both completed business degrees, but while Kent saw himself at the head of some cutting edge start up, Jesse had always wanted to serve.
He’d joined the Marines, but even then he had his sights set on something bigger. Most people assumed he wanted to be a Green Beret to follow in his father’s footsteps, but the truth was Jesse always wanted to protect people. Even so, watching him that day and knowing he was shipping out the next, my heart was broken.
My girlhood crush had become something so much bigger for me, and watching him get ready to leave, not knowing if, or when, he would be back, had me once again feeling lost and abandoned.
The night before, instead of going out drinking with his friends and getting laid, he stayed home with us. Kent and I made dinner, and we all clowned around like we always had. The dark cloud of Jesse’s departure hung heavy over us all, but we made the best of it.
When Kent went off to bed around 1 a.m., Jesse and I were finishing cleaning up the kitchen. I can still remember watching his hands in the soap suds, his long fingers working in the water. The veins on the back of his hands stood up under the skin as he washed the last of the silverware. Me, standing there jealous of the fork he was massaging with the dishrag, that had an hour before had the pleasure of being inside his mouth.
Every once in a while, our arms would brush against each other, and I felt like a billion microscopic fireworks exploded wherever we touched.
I don’t actually remember the moment when it turned from washing the dishes to something else, but it turned on a dime. Every fiber in my body spiraled, every dream of womanhood and Pornhub was answered as Jesse leaned down, the tension between our bodies like a river of fire that we knew we shouldn’t cross.
The moment I felt his breath on my lips, it was too late.
We locked together like two starving captives finally welcomed to the feast. His mouth changed something deep inside, my innocence no longer quite so innocent. I'd always been so sheltered, so naive, and it had always been because of him. I didn't want anyone else, and knew I could never have the one man Ididwant, so I'd shied away from all contact with boys my own age.
There were only five years between us, but he was too old for me. Too wise. And far too much like a brother. I was the ripe, forbidden fruit that put herself into his grasp, and he took me just as I'd always dreamed.
Time seemed to stop as his tongue opened my inexperienced lips, swirling around inside and turning my insides into warm goo. My body felt like it was a light switch, finally turned on in the empty darkness, and all that light was focused on him. The fire that brewed deep in my belly threatened to engulf us both.
Within minutes, we were on the couch, the kiss everything I could have imagined. Jesse’s long, hard body pressed onto mine, his weight bearing down, and I reveled in his power. The fire in our kisses turned, and Jesse began to grind his hips between my legs, making this horrible, glorious, painful sound.
We both knew we were dancing to a song that had disaster written just on the other side.
Jesse pulled back too soon, his dark eyes flirting with madness. I arched my hips up to meet his and felt his hardness pressing firm against the fabric of his jeans. I felt that desperate pain of longing all the way up into my chest.
“Kat…God, we... can’t.” His eyes closed, but the throbbing between my legs was hell-bent on our destruction, and all I knew was I didn’t want it to stop.
I pulled Jesse’s face back to mine, and spread my legs wide, inviting him to do whatever it was that men do.
Rub, rub, rub as the friction built to a crescendo. If he had wanted, he could have stripped me in an instant, and taken anything and everything. I would have welcomed it. I was silently begging for it.
But he didn’t.
I listened as he groaned into my mouth with such ferocity, for a moment he frightened me. I was just a young woman, barely legal and still growing into myself. Sure, I had the curves. I'd faced the teasing earlier than any of the other girls, but I was nothing special. And yet, here I was, laying with the man of my girlhood dreams and feeling every thrust of his cock through the fabric of our clothes.
As the tension built like a runaway train, I groaned into his kiss, sparks of pleasure creating a delirious vortex inside. My hips rose to ride him with each pulse of his own, praying he wouldn’t pull away and my ravenous virgin lust broke open like a religious experience.
Jesse felt the wave crash over me, and he broke our kiss to watch, his eyes locked on mine as I thrashed and rode out the storm. My first orgasm, at the hands of a man I thought of as my brother. I couldn’t stop the noises, need driving me to moan and whimper and scream his name as the warmth spread between my legs. I clutched Jesse’s hard back, pulling him down, down, down, wanting more, wanting this.
“God... Kat…” His voice was full of his own desperation, his eyes locked onto my face as I wrapped my legs around him and drew him in, wanting to know what it felt like to be his. “I can’t stop—"
“What thefuck?Get the fuck off my sister!” Kent’s screams ended it all.
Suddenly Jesse was torn from me, and I watched in horror as my brother drew back and threw a punch so filled with rage, it could not be put back.
I screamed, and screamed, and told him to stop, but Jesse just stood there and took it, and took it until Kent wore himself out against his solid muscle. My brother was built like a quarterback, but Jesse was a linebacker, and when the beating was over he walked away without a word.
The rest was history. I couldn't ignore the fact that Kent must have heard my moans. We never discussed it, but each of us had a broken heart that day. And the next, and for a long time after.
What we did broke what we had. All of us and nothing was the same after.
Eventually, Kent and Jesse made peace in some far off conversations filled with apologies and promises, and I knewdeep down Jesse knew it was a mistake. Not just in touching his best friend's little sister, but in bothering with someone like me in the first place.
Hormones and deployments can drive you to do things you would never consider in the cold light of day, and I was one of those things. I could never hope to be anything to someone like Jesse, and since he was the only one I wanted I was doomed.
