“What do you mean?” She slows and turns to look at me closer.
“Well, Jenna. You don't approve of her,” I say coming to a stop.
Ma points her cone at me. “You said we weren't allowed to talk about her!”
“You're right. We're not. My point is, you may not always agree with some of the choices I make, but not all of them are because I'm fucked up, if that makes sense. I'm sober now and still doing things you'd rather I didn't. And I'm not just talking about Jenna, but also college, because I don't think I want to go back. So maybe... Maybe you just have to get used to me doing things you aren’t always going to like?”
She sighs so hard her shoulders sink as we start walking again. “Aiden, you're twenty-four. I don't think I have any say on what you do with your life,” she says, and it sounds like surrender. “But as your mother, I just want you to be happy and healthy. That's it. That's all I want. Happy and healthy and safe. And before, it seemed like those things couldn't co-exist.”
“And they didn't. I did make stupid decisions and do stupid things...”
“And this isn't a stupid thing?” Ma blurts out.
Stunned, I stop walking again and stare at her, feeling the sorbet melt down the side of my hand. But I make no effort to lick it off.
She turns to face me but doesn't quite meet my eyes. “Of course, I'm not saying Jenna is stupid...”
“But I am?” I ask.
“No, Aiden, no, you're the smartest kid I know,” she says and her hand twitches like she wants to reach for me.
“I won't share that with Maeve, but thanks, I guess.” I look up and over her head at our sun loungers up ahead.
“You know what I mean. You're smart, but... but you don't always think things through. Going off like that after Arnie died. It was all so spontaneous. Even with Arnie, you two happened so quickly. The travelling, the relationship... and when he got sick, you just gave everything else up for him.”
“Because I fucking loved him! I did all of those things with Arnie because I loved him. Is that so hard for you to understand?” I shake my head, only partly conscious we're putting on quite a show for other people on the beach.
“I know you loved Arnie,” she says. “I'm not saying you didn't. I'm just... It was just all...”
“You found it hard to accept,” I say sounding as bitter as I feel.
“You know I don't have a problem with your sexuality.” She steps forward so she can whisper-shout that sentence.
“Funnily enough, yes, I do know that now because even when I want to be with a woman, you’re against it.”
“Anolderwoman,” she hisses. “Is it because of me? Is she like a mother substitute or-”
I back away then, holding my hands up. “That’s it, Ma. We are done talking about this.”
I march back past our loungers and keep going until I see a bin. I shove my cone in it, then I head to the sea to wash my hands in the water that laps around my feet. Standing up again, I turn to look at our loungers and see Mum is already there and she's sitting next to Dad, crying, with his arm around her. My shoulders drop at the sight, but then I see Maeve stand and walk towards me with a bemused look on her face.
“So, what was it this time?” she asks.
“She went too far.” I can hear how angry I really am. I turn away from watching Dad comfort Mum and walk back to the water's edge, letting the waves crash up against my ankles.
“Our mother? Surely not.” Maeve stands next to me.
I huff out a quick laugh. “She’s never been completely comfortable with Arnie and me. And now-”
Maeve interrupts me. “Did it ever cross your mind that it has nothing to do with you being bi and more to do with her just not being able to cope with what happened. And I'm not just talking about the last year or so. I'm talking about the last three or so years, really. You leaving home and travelling with Arnie for all that time was hard for her. Then when you came home, you went straight to university, moving in with Arnie rather than living at home like you originally agreed. Then he got his diagnosis and you dropped out. It all happened so quickly,one thing after another. And when he passed, she thought she would get you back, but she didn't.”
“I'm twenty-fucken-four,” I say. “I'm an adult.”
She leans in and nudges my arm then. “I mean that's debatable, but yes, I get what you're saying. But here's the thing. You're her favourite, her first. After Dad, you're her favourite human in the whole world. And you know Dad's great, he loves her to pieces but he's hardly the best person in the world to talk to. Likewise, her friends are fine and all, but she doesn't open up to them. You were the one she spoke to, Marty. You were like her best friend growing up. I'm not saying that's right. It's probably a bit fucked up on many levels, but that's how it was. Until it wasn't. And she's not accepted or adjusted to losing that yet.”
I sigh, not because Maeve's words enrage me but because they ring true and yet I still feel great resistance. Or maybe that’s exactly why I feel it.
“She needs to learn how to adjust because things change, whether we want them to or not,” I say without looking at my sister. The sudden wave of heavy grief that hits me out of nowhere is so intense it feels miraculous to still be standing.
