“Signed?”
“Signed, sealed, delivered. I’m not his. And he’s not mine. Not anymore.”
“Congratulations! That’s fucking excellent!”
His words are like a slap in the face, and I don’t know why.
“Yes, yes, it is. It just also hurts like hell.” I bring my hand to my mouth to catch my sudden sobs.
“Oh, Jenna, what is this? What are you feeling? Is it regret? Is it guilt? Is it fear?”
I smile with blurry eyes. “Jakey, those are perfect questions. I should write you a report for your therapist.”
“Don’t deflect, Jenna. Tell me what’s going on.”
I pull in a breath and think about it for a few seconds before replying, “It’s a bit of everything. But mostly, I just feel very sad and like I have lost something more than a perfectly decent enough husband.”
“So, youdohave regret?” Jake asks tentatively.
I pause again. I know I’m feeling regret, but I can’t pin it on the divorce or losing Robert. Maybe it’s from not doing it sooner? Maybe it’s about my work? Maybe it’s something else? I just don’t know, and I hate not knowing.
“You know you can tell me, Jenna,” Jake continues. “I know I’ve been Team D.I.V.O.R.C.E for a while now, but I will never judge you for however you’re feeling.”
“I don’t know how I feel,” I waver. “I just think I miss him sometimes. He wasn’t all bad. I mean, he put the toilet seat down and never left dirty socks on the floor...”
“You’re right, you know.” I recognise his new tone of voice. It’s defeat mixed with reluctance, wrapped up in his best hospitality voice; the one that is designedto make whoever he is in conversation with think that they’re right. “Robert was decent enough, I suppose.”
There’s something about hearing my words in his voice. And not just his normal voice, but his people-pleasing, disingenuous voice.
“No.” I sniff. “I don’t wantdecent enough. And I don’t want a man who can’t talk to me about his feelings, or mine, no matter how well trained he is domestically. I don’t want a man who is afraid of change. I don’t want a man who is afraid to grow... or for me to grow.”
“Well said, buttercup.” Jake’s normal voice is back.
“The thing is,” I pause to take a deep breath, “what if I never find a man who is? What if this thing I tell all my readers to wait for, to work for, to have faith in... what if it just doesn’t exist?”
My brother’s groan reverberates in my ear. “You’re asking the wrong person, Jenna. I’m the king of failed relationships.”
“Maybe we’re just doomed to lose in love, Jakey? Ugh. I never expected to be thirty-six and divorced.”
“Oh, Jen. You know it’s very trendy to be divorced these days. Everyone’s doing it at least once, if not twice. You should really try to keep up.”
I mumble out a quick laugh and then shake my head as I spot my divorce papers again, more tears still slipping down my cheeks.
“I’m so angry at myself for feeling this way. I tell people all the time to never feel any shame for doing what’s right for them, and my brain, itknowsthis is right for me... I just hate not feeling it in my heart too. That’s the part of me I normally trust the most and it doesn’t feel very trustworthy right now.”
“That’s because your heart is still broken, Jenna. You need to give it time to heal.”
I close my eyes. “It’s been months, Jakey. Years really, if you think about how long it was since we... since we were in a good place.”
“I’m so sorry you’re hurting, Jenna,” my brother says, and despite the physical ache in my chest, I feel a rush of love and gratitude for him.
“Thank you, that means a lot to me,” I whisper back.
“Did you download the apps we talked about?” he asks with an upswing in his voice.
“The dating apps?” I shudder. I wish I didn’t have such a vehement reaction to Internet dating. I know it may be the only way I do find love again.IfI find love again.
“Yes, I wrote you a list in order of Dana’s preferences,” he says, referring to his friend who did indeed find her husband on an app. “And I’ve been mentally brainstorming a bio since you separated.”
