This is what I tell myself as I order a second drink, a cocktail now because the pain is already here. It’s because the sun is so low in the sky, and he wouldn't leave it this late. He would want to see the whole thing.
This is what I tell myself when Matthias comes over and asks to sit next to me. Out of nowhere, I recall my brother mentioning his divorce has just been finalised and he looks lonely. I can relate.
Before I agree to let him sit next to me, I do the thing I have forbidden myself to do for the last twenty minutes of waiting. I turn my head and survey the space behind me, to the side of me and hopelessly, in front of me. I take my time. I search the space once, twice, but Marty is nowhere to be found. I sigh as my heart sinks into my stomach and then I smile at Matthias and shift over to make space for him.
After five minutes of pleasant enough small talk, Matthias narrows his gaze on me. “You know, I'm still curious about why you're here, alone, when your brother works somewhere else?”
“It's a long story,” I say, hoping that will put him off wanting to hear it. I glance at the sun now. It is so very close to melting into the horizon.
“I have time,” he says, and the sun’s butterscotch glow emphasises his tan. He’s an attractive man. He’s not Marty, but he’s an attractive man.
I pull in a breath before I speak.
“Well, five years ago I met a man here,” I say. “And we had the most amazing five days together and we fell in love. But then... Then he went back to his home and I went to mine. We agreed to meet up in five years’ time and watch the sunset together, right here. Today.”
He blinks at me. “And that's what you're doing? Or rather... you're waiting for him?”
I grit my teeth to slow the onslaught of tears. “Yes,” I say, my voice cracking in too many places for such a short sound. “I'm waiting for him, like I promised I would.”
“Why didn't you try to make it work? Five years ago?”
“That is an even longer story,” I say with a small smile.
Matthias leans back. “It's my night off. Like I said, I have time.” He lifts his drink as if to toast me.
I let myself do it once more. I crane my neck in every single direction, looking for Marty, searching for a sign he is close by but there’s nothing but the golden light of the sunset illuminating strangers’ faces.
He isn't going to come. It's already too late.
But our story will always be what it is. The greatest, sweetest love story of my life. While not easy, loving Marty from afar hasn't been hell, it's been the closest thing to true love I've ever experienced. It’s a love that has stayed with me as I grew and changed and evolved. Loving him regardless of what he's doing, where he is, who he is loving, it's been humbling and honest and raw. It's been the most human thing I've ever done, and I have no regrets.
I take a sip of my drink, a deliciously sweet and juicy Sex on the Rocks, sink back into my chair, then I watch the last minutes of the sunset as I tell my story. Marty's story. Our story.
Chapter Fifty-Six
Marty
Ishould have come a day early. Of course my flight was going to get delayed but at least it gives me time to call Maeve and ask her to sanity-check what I’m about to do.
“You smile a lot,” she says. “Like way too much if you ask me. But not all of your smiles are equal, and I've only ever seen you smile like you did with Jenna with one other person.”
“Who?” I ask wondering if it was Ciara or Matthew.
“Arnie,” she says. “Whatever you felt for Jenna that week in Crete, it's about as close as what you felt with Arnie, so I think it's worth going to find out if she still makes you smile, and feel, like that.”
“Jesus, Maeve,” I say. “I thought you were going to talk me out of it, be a voice of reason.”
“How is what I said not reasonable? I want you to be happy. I know I don't always act like it, but I do want that for you.”
“But what if she’s not there? Fuck, I don’t even know if she’s still alive.”
There’s a pause before Maeve replies. “She’s alive, Marty.”
“How do you know?” I demand.
“You should Google her. You may get more answers than you expect if you do that.”
Heat prickles up my back. Not looking up Jenna’s name over the last five years has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
