"I didn't grow up trusting myself, because my mother..." The word snags like barbed wire in my throat.No. Can't go there.
Ben's jaw tightens when he sees me struggling, so I take adeep breath and look down.
"I grew up second-guessing everything, and the one time I went with the feeling, it wrecked me," I say. "Wrecked other people, too. So now I don't trust myself. Not really."
"That's okay, babe," Mara calls. "You can start little by little. See what it does."
"Yeah, but those little by little moments usually lead to a major disaster then," I try to joke, but it comes out pathetic. "It sucks when you want to do good and you end up messing up."
"What is the most recent time you regretted going with your head instead of your heart?" Paul asks.
Quiet Paul, who usually listens and doesn't meddle in people's business is suddenly cross-examining me.
I squint at him because I swear he knows something.
Ben and he are like glued at the hip, so I bet he wants me to say it for his brother's sake.
Should I? Say it? The way it is? Maybe it's time I do.
I clear my throat, scratch away the safe lie before it has a chance to protect me, and look at Ben, who's intently watching me.
I look away from him so I can say it. "I... Something happened about three years ago. I left someone. Someone who was... very important to me. We never spoke again. I moved on without even trying to understand. Maybe... maybe I'd do that differently today."
"What would you do?" Paul asks.
"I think, at least listen. I think some people, no matter how angry they make you, deserve to be heard before you shut thedoor. If you know they meant a lot to you, give them a chance to speak, or say goodbye."
I close my eyes, feeling the weight of what I admitted and let my hands land on the rim of the bowl.
The bowl.Pass the bowl. Pass it. Pass it. Before it's too late.
I thank everyone and pass it to Ananya.
Everyone thanks me back, like I've given them something solid, not just fuzzy edges and half-truths.
One by one, everyone spills their own hearts, and I'm listening to everyone missing someone, everyone thinking they did the wrong thing, everything being beautifully human. For a second, it feels safe.
Until my gaze drifts across the fire.
Ben's absentmindedly staring into the flames.
Three more people and then it's his turn.
The more I watch him, the more it's evident that something's going on. I wonder if it's because of what I said?
I wave low by the ground, trying to catch his attention, but he's too caught up in his head.
The guy next to him finishes and when he notices Ben's out of it, he clears his throat.
"What's on your heart, brother?"
Ben looks at him blankly and mutters, "Thanks, brother." Takes the bowl and stares at it for a good half a minute.
Mara shoots me a questioning glance.
When I shrug, she calls over the fire, "B?" and Ben blinks back to reality.
His eyes instantly land on me. "I'd like to be really honest."
