I shake my head, my voice soft. "Ben."We both know it won't.
He catches my hand, pressing it between both of his, his body leaning over the counter. "I know the past few weeks have been awful, but we'll get through it. It'll settle once the baby's here."
"You know that's not true," I say quietly, swallowing through it. "Once the baby's here, it'll be worse. You'll want to be with them all the time, and you should, but I can't be part of that life."
He frowns and squeezes my hand tighter. "You can, and youwillbe."
I shake my head. "I can't. Lisa will never allow it."
"That's not up to her." His voice rises. "It's also my baby."
"Yeah, and she's the mother. Do you really want to make her life hell when she's carrying your child? Given everything that's happened?" I give him a solemn look. "No, Ben. You don't. And honestly, I don't either."
He shakes his head, desperate. "Emma—"
"Let me finish." I cut in and take a deep breath before I tell him what he must know. "The love we share—it's out of this world. I used to think I couldn't trust you, but not anymore. I'm not scared of you. You're a good man who wants to do the right thing."
"I don't deserve your love. I'm an asshole," he says dryly. "I'll never forgive myself for what I've done to you."
"You're not. Stop saying that," I say, squeezing his hand. "You saved me, Ben. From myself. From everything that wasn'treal."
"Don't make me a hero. I'm not. You don't know what's going on in my mind." He takes a deep breath. "All day I was thinking that if you asked me to do anything,anything, I'd do it. I'd walk away from Lisa just to be with you. I'd do it if I could make you happy again."
"Ben, you wouldn't. You would never leave your child," I say, shaking my head and swallowing the lump in my throat. "And I love you for it."
He stares down at the ground, the muscle in his jaw twitching, then looks up at me. "Yeah, you're right. Also, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that's just me running away from owning my shit, making you carry my guilt, and I can't do that to you."
"I do want to ask you something," I say, then stand up because if I sit another second, I'll fall apart.
The dim kitchen light spills around me, leaving his face half in shadow, but his eyes shine like wet glass.
"I want you to be who you need to be now," I say, voice breaking. "Be there for your baby. Fully. Not just as a shadow. They deserve to come into this world whole, not half-broken. So..." I take a deep breath that trembles through me, close my eyes, and then say it. "I'm ending this. Us. We're over."
Before I even open my eyes, I feel him shaking his head vigorously. "No, Emma. No. We're not. Listen to me—"
I force myself to meet his eyes. "No, you listen—I mean it."
I don't.
I do.
God, I don't.
"I know this is hard," he says, his breath ragged now. "I know you're scared. Overwhelmed—"
"Ben," I say over him, and sniffle as the tears come. "I am not asking you. I amtellingyou. We're done. There is no way back."
"No. Just no," he says, the firmness back in his voice. "Couples who love each other way less make it through worse than this. We can't end like this."
"We're not ending because we don't love each other." I wipe my face with the back of my hand. "But you're losing your mind."
"I will lose my mind if I'm without you," he rushes out, desperate. "You hear me?"
"I know it feels unbearable, but you have to trust me," I whisper. "Maybe... maybe it will be possible in the future, who knows—"
"I don't care about the future," he snaps and stands up. "I care about now. I want younow. I will fix it."
I look at him, everything inside me breaking, then swallow the massive lump in my throat, take a deep breath, and pray I can sound adamant. "Ben, listen to me, I'm breaking up with you. I don't want to be with you anymore. I need to live my own life, without this... Do you hear me?"
