"Don't you see how it rips me apart? Every time you leave me to be someone else's wife?"
I press my hands against his face. "I will leave Richard, I promise. My moral compass might wobble but I know my true north. You are my true north."
He frowns. "Then what's stopping you?"
"I'm just trying to untangle myself from him without being the worst kind of person."And without Richard burning us alive for it, but that has to stay silent.
He pinches his eyes. "Isn't it too late for that?"
I scoff bitterly and fold my arms. "Thanks. That's exactly the line that makes me want to run straight into your arms. I need time."
"You needcourage," he cuts in, voice relentless, like he's trying to hammer it into my bloodstream.
I give him an ironic snort. "Do you even know me? Courage isn't in my dictionary. I'm a coward."
"Then stop being one!" he snaps. "Be better, Emma.Be better!"
My hand strikes the wall behind me, so hard it stings. "You think I'm not trying?! I've been trying my whole life, goddamnit. And look at us—" I gesture frantically. "We're constantly fighting. You keep telling me how neurotic I am."
"So what?" He surges closer, closing the space until his breath is on my mouth. "Iwantyou neurotic.I want youthe way you are."
That lands right under my skin. I open my mouth even more, flustered and desperate to find the right words.
Ben moves his head closer, nearly brushing my lips before he pulls away.
He runs his hand over his face and exhales. "It's a misery, loving you this much and not being allowed to love you fully. I always knew that once I give in, it will eat me alive."
I blink, my heart skipping a beat. "Did you just say...love?"
A nod. "Yeah, I said love. And it's not the soft kind. It's chewing through my sanity. It's in my blood and bones. Like fever."
I blink again, just as his eyes burn into mine. "If you're not in love with me, say it now. Stop making me believe you are."
My mouth is still stupidly open, but nothing comes out, even though I want to scream, tear myself out of my own skin and let him see it, so I don't have to explain what I feel for him.
He frowns at me. "Say something."
"Ben," I whisper. "You told me to share everything with you, to be honest—what if you only want me this much because it's forbidden?"
His face goes blank. "Oh my god, woman, you still thinkI'm playing? That I'm some asshole toying with you?"
"I just... I need to know you won't wake up one day bored of me."
"Of course I will," he snaps, and that answer startles me.
"But so will you," he adds. "A year from now, or five, I don't know, but that's life, Emma. We'll fight, we'll slam doors, we'll be bored sometimes, but I'll never leave you. Not for boredom. Not for anything."
I know he means it. I know, I should feel relief, but the panic in my chest doesn't care. It's still coiling, gnawing.
"I'm just scared. We've been through this. I don't want to end up shattered all over again, pretending I didn't see it coming when it's over," I say.
"When it ends?" His eyes cut to mine, brows knitting hard. "The fuck are you talking about? I'm here planning our future and you're talking about our end?"
My laugh is small and nervous, a defense that doesn't defend much and this is probably the one moment I should relog my brain and think before I say anything, but he wanted the truth, didn't he?
"Sometimes I think we're just doomed to repeat the same cycle, only worse this time. I hate that I still half-expect it, half-expect you to wake up one day, pack your things, and disappear, like you used to, but I do," I hurl out.
His face shuts down in an instant, everything sliding behind that brutal quiet he gets.
