He almost smiles, but instead, a crease forms between his brows. Maybe it's because neither of us has been particularly skilled at honesty lately.
"When Lisa came into my life, I wasn't looking for anyone. I was empty and tired, and she was sweet and direct. Made it easy to pretend I didn't want what I actually wanted. She changed after the wedding, though, and became the opposite—cold and distant. And unfortunately... I didn't change. I stayed restless."
"In what way?"
He raises a brow at me. "You already know."
"No. Say it."
He pauses, his expression softening before he says, "My thoughts were with you. You snuck in unexpectedly when my guard was down, and I hated it because there was nothing I could do. Usually, I'm good at self-control, but as you can see, you take over my mind."
That makes me smile warmly before I frown again. "Then why marry her?"
He exhales through his nose. "You were married. I thought if I didn't move on, I'd keep haunting myself. Lisa seemed like a good fit for me. I thought if I did the right thing, maybe my heart would catch up."
"Do you love her?" The question rips out of me without me actually wanting to ask it.
He frowns, thrown off, then licks his lips and says, "In my way, I do love her, and when I met her, I was really in love. I wouldn't have married her otherwise."
That feels like ten stabs right in my chest, but I swallow, nod.
"Was the Vegas elopement her idea?"
"Yeah. We went for a trip, started winning at cards, got carried away. She wanted it, said big weddings were overrated, and I wanted to do the right thing, make her happy." He snorts bitterly at that. "It was the dumbest, most catastrophic idea of my life. Ever."
I try not to sound so desperate. "Marrying her? Or marrying her in Vegas?"
"Both. My mom never forgave me for how I handled it. Mara didn't. Neither did I."
"I'm sure they did. You just feel guilty and don't see it."
"I don't think so. After the wedding, everything changed. I tried to make Lisa and me work, in my own way, but she made it clear she didn't want my family. And I don't know how to love someone who doesn't love them. She can't even be in the same room with Mara for more than five minutes."
It's messed up that I wanted his marriage to be a disaster. Imean, I wanted it as proof I wasn't the only fool.
But seeing him like this, so hollow and knotted, there's no victory in it. Just weight, pressing against my ribs like the pain is mine.
I thread my fingers through his, grounding him. "I'm sorry. That must be heavy, but Ben? I've seen Lisa with you. You deserve the sun and the moon. Not cold distance. She doesn't treat you like a good wife."
"I wasn't exactly the husband of the year either. She could tell I wasn't fully in it. Plus, she acts differently when we're home. She's complicated and has her moments."
I smirk because I don't believe that anyway, and—childish as it is—I'm not thrilled when he backs her up.
"I noticed you don't wear your ring. Ever."
His eyes flick down to his hand, checking the bare finger. "Sometimes I do. Lately, not so much. It's not allowed in the hospital, and I'm there most of the time anyway."
"Right." Not the answer I hoped for.
I don't wear mine here either. I always put it in my purse like a tiny act of decency toward two men who shouldn't have to share me. It's absurd, but it feels like respect.
"Have you ever thought about leaving?" I ask.
"Yeah," he says without hesitation. "But divorce? That's not a thing in my family. If I did that, my mom would cry, and I can't watch her be sad anymore."
He drags his hand over his creased forehead and looks at me with heaviness in his eyes. "So I figured—fine, we'll just be one of those couples who rot quietly because neither of us has theguts to cut the cord."
"Ben," I peel his hand from his head and place it over my chest. "I'm sure your mom forgave you."
