Oliver released him with a pop and sat back, his panicked gaze running over Felipe’s face and form. “What’s wrong? Did I hurt you?”
“The opposite. I just need a minute.” Falling back against the desk’s top, Felipe ran a hand over his face and tried to catch his breath. “Christ almighty, Oliver. And on the desk too.”
“Kissing you on the counter was surprisingly nice, and this is the closest I have,” he replied, resting his head against Felipe’s leg. “You could finish like this if you want. I don’t mind taking turns.”
Felipe huffed a laugh as he ran a gentle thumb across Oliver’s sex-bruised lips. “I don’t think I’ll be fit to return the favor if you keep this up, love. Tell me what you want.”
***
The words caught in Oliver’s throat. He knew what he wanted; he just wasn’t sure he could verbalize it or that his body would cooperate. Pressing his lips to Felipe’s thumb, he shut his eyes and drew in a long breath. Ever since he told Felipe about how he was hurt during his residency, Oliver had been tryingto coax his body into letting him be the receiver during sex. He knew he might not ever be able to, but he wanted to try. Felipe had suggested rectal dilators to help him get comfortable with the sensation and decouple it from intimacy. His attempt to use one on his own had ended in tears and memories better left forgotten. Together, they had managed to successfully use them a handful of times to the point he no longer dreaded trying. The last time it had actually felt kind of good, to the point that he wanted to try it while they were both aroused. The thought of ruining the moment filled him with dread, but Felipe had never gotten mad at him for it.
Sensing the grey clouds gathering on the tether, Felipe looked at him curiously and ran a gentle hand across his cheek. “Hey, whatever it is, tell me. I can feel you twisting yourself in knots over something I’ll probably agree to.”
“I… I was wondering if you could help me put a dilator in,” Oliver replied, forcing his voice level.
“After?” At Oliver’s silence, Felipe asked, “Now? While we—?”
Oliver nodded, his cheeks heating. “If you don’t want to, I completely understand. Forget I—”
“No, that isn’t it.” Rubbing Oliver’s arms in long, firm strokes, Felipe said softly, “I just wanted to make sure I understood what you wanted. We can definitely try to do that.”
“Are you sure it isn’t too long of a break since you’re already—?”
“Trust me, Oliver, getting me hard again won’t be a problem. If anything, I need to cool down a little longer. Just remember that, whether you’re able to do it or not, it’s all right, and if you decide you want to stop, that’s okay too. Don’t worry about me.”
Tears prickled at the backs of Oliver’s eyes as Felipe pulled him into a tight hug. He was so lucky to have him. Burying his face against Felipe’s neck, Oliver focused on the familiar scent ofhis partner’s aftershave and tried to commit the feeling of being in his arms to memory. Oliver hoped Felipe knew how much he appreciated his patience. Felipe always tried to anticipate his needs, even when he struggled to address them himself, but for all he did for him, Felipe never made him feel fragile or broken. He felt safe. Knowing Felipe would try to meet him where he was made all the difference, and Oliver did his damnedest to do the same for him.
Pulling Oliver to his feet, Felipe kissed him and smoothed a lock of wet hair behind his ear. “Get your dilator and oil out, and I’ll get the bed ready.”
Oliver gave him a tight nod and tried to quiet his hammering pulse as he headed for the nightstand. From the corner of his eye, he watched Felipe kick off his trousers and drawers with a bit more relish than necessary. Oliver admired the shadow of muscle beneath Felipe’s tan skin and the trail of dark hair that led to his half-hard prick as he dug through the dresser for an extra blanket and pillow. Sensing his eyes upon him, Felipe gave him a rakish smile and a playful nudge toward the bed with the pillow. Dread burbled in Oliver’s breast, but he quickly forced it back. He wasn’t going to the gallows; he wanted to do this. Retrieving the smallest dilator from his nightstand along with some of the lubricant it came with, Oliver swallowed hard. In his hand, the rubber plug looked intimidating, even if it was nowhere near the size of the thickest dilator in the set. He had already decided that one was never going anywhere near him.
Turning back to the bed, he found Felipe arranging the quilt, pillows, and a spare towel. Thus far, they hadn’t needed it, but having it there made Oliver feel better. The tether tightened beneath Oliver’s heart as he watched Felipe fluff the bedding into a nest that would support his back and head. Even after how many months together, Felipe’s thoughtfulness still caught him by surprise. When he found Oliver frozen beside the nightstand,Felipe sat on the bed and gently pulled him down beside him. A small, nervous thrill sparked in Oliver’s core as Felipe took the dilator from his hand and set it aside.
“Do you still want to do this?”
“Yes,” Olive replied, the word leaving his lips without hesitation.
For a long moment, Felipe searched his features, but when he found no signs of true fear, he rose to his knees and kissed him. Oliver shut his eyes and gave into the pressure of Felipe’s warm body against his as he straddled his lap. His hands skimmed the skin beneath Oliver’s robe, and that was all it took for Oliver to untie the knot at his waist and shrug his robe away. Felipe made a hum of approval that went straight to Oliver’s groin as he fell back into the pile of bedding and pulled the smaller man on top of him. Gooseflesh rose across Oliver’s pale skin, but the heat in Felipe’s touch chased away any lingering chill. Felipe’s lips curled into a grin as he kissed along Oliver’s jaw before working his way down his neck. Oliver hissed a breath as Felipe’s tongue swirled around a nipple. He wasn’t sure if Felipe was trying to relax him or wind him up, but he didn’t care. He wanted him; he wanted this. Sliding lower, Felipe traced the dark pink scar running along the curve of Oliver’s ribs with his mouth and nudged his thighs apart with his knee. Oliver released a tremulous groan as Felipe kissed and nipped his hip and groin without touching any of the places that made him ticklish. Pulling back, he made quick work of spreading a thick layer of lubricant over the dilator, and by the time he was done, Oliver wasn’t sure whether he was hard with panic or pleasure.
At Felipe’s narrowed gaze, Oliver quickly said, “Before you ask, I still want to try.”
“All right, but squeeze my arm if it hurts or you want to stop.”
Placing a hand on Felipe’s shoulder, Oliver braced himself and then forced himself to relax with a long, slow breath. More than anything, he wanted to shut his eyes at the first toe-curling graze of the cold lubricant against his skin, but he didn’t trust himself not to panic or drift to memories over a decade old.Breathe through it. Stay in the present, he reminded himself as he focused on the warmth of Felipe’s skin beneath his palm instead of the building pressure. As his body tensed, Felipe’s presence brushed against the tether like the reassuring squeeze of a hand. He rubbed Oliver’s leg in firm strokes and whispered how good he was, how gorgeous he was, how much he loved him, but all Oliver could think was that he was taking too long. The more he fretted, the harder it would be, but he didn’t want to leave Felipe waiting when he had already been so close to release. Frustrated tears prickled behind his eyes. He shouldn’t have asked for this. He should have not been selfish and asked for something they could both enjoy together.
“Why were some of the bacteria pink?”
Oliver blinked and stared at Felipe as if he had spoken in tongues. “What?”
“On the slide, why were some pink while others were purple?”
Gathering his wits, Oliver shifted slightly to get more comfortable. “Technically, they’re all pink. It’s the color we use in order to see translucent things under the microscope. The purple stain only appears on cells with thicker cell walls, which makes them—” The words died on Oliver’s lips as his muscles relaxed, and the dilator slid home. He shuddered at the pleasant frizzle of his nerves and the sudden fullness in his backside. “Oh.”
“Is that a good ‘oh’?” Felipe asked, a small, tentative smile playing on his lips.
“I think so, but I’m a little afraid to move.”
“We could wait—”
