Oliver stared at him. That didn’t make sense. He saw Felipe every day, nearly all day, and he appeared exactly as he had been the day he died. “Changing how?”
“I haven’t been completely honest with you or myself. Before, I only needed a lot of meat when I was badly injured. That wasn’t normal for me. The shakes and dark circles weren’t normal either, but it was easier to pretend they were. I thought... I thought they might be temporary until my body got used to being dead, but if anything, it’s gotten worse. And I hide it from you. Sometimes I eat two breakfasts, or I sneak food when I go upstairs to run an errand.”
“I suspected as much,” Oliver replied gently, releasing a relieved sigh that that was all it was. “I smelled pastrami on your breath when you bought us bagels. I knew you needed more than you were letting on, but I didn’t want to point it out and upset you. Why didn’t you want me to know?”
“Because I didn’t want to worry you. I don’t want to be this way.” Felipe shook his head, avoiding Oliver’s gaze. “I’ve never experienced this kind of hunger before. It feels like I’m being eaten alive from the inside out. If I try to ignore it, it hurts, and I hate how it never fully goes away. It’s never satisfied.”
“Oh, Felipe. Denying yourself what you need is only going to make it worse. I don’t care if you need to eat more or more often. I only wish you had told me sooner because maybe we could have figured out what works better for you. We can experiment with different types of food to see what keeps you satisfied and feeling yourself longer. It might be nothing more than a mineral or protein deficiency. Whatever the case is, we’ll figure it out.”
He could see why something like this could upset Felipe, but of all the problems to have, this was far more manageable than his body falling apart in more obvious ways. Felipe always gave him extra time to process things or rest. Making sure his partner ate wasn’t a hardship, and even if it was, Oliver would happily do whatever it took to keep Felipe well.
“When you said you wanted to tell me something, I was expecting far worse than food,” Oliver said with a smile, but the misery etched into Felipe’s features deepened.
“There is one other thing. I— I can see in the dark.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, I canseein the dark,” Felipe replied in a pleading rush. “I didn’t realize it until last night, but it’s been happening for a while now. At the Green Daisy, Ansley complained about how dark it was in the brothel’s hallway, and I didn’t notice. I thought he was exaggerating. Then, I climbed inside the incinerator, and I could see so well inside it that I thought Joe was standing behind me with the lantern, but he wasn’t. He was across the room. I shouldn’t have been able to see in there, Oliver. I shouldn’t have. I—”
Felipe sucked in a gasping breath, followed by another and another. Gripping his chest, he curled in on himself as panic flooded the tether. Oliver’s mind reeled at the intensity of the familiar spikes of fear and dread roiling between them.Felipe could see in the dark, his mind shouted, but that didn’t matter right now. Blinking away the other man’s emotions, Oliver held Felipe’s arms and tried to get him to focus on him. His face reddened and his chest heaved as he finally met Oliver’s gaze with wide, panicked eyes.
“Listen to me, I need you to slow down your breathing,” Oliver said calmly as he rubbed Felipe’s back and gently eased him forward. “Put your head down between your knees.”
“Am I dying?” Felipe asked between drowning breaths. “My heart feels like it’s going to beat out of my chest.”
“No, it only feels like you’re dying. Trust me, I would know if you were. You’ll be all right; it’s an attack of nerves.” Lightly holding Felipe’s head in place, Oliver rubbed his back and instructed him to breathe in time with the rhythm. “Keep doing that, and I promise, it will get better. This is what happens to me sometimes when I get overwhelmed.”
“It’s awful.”
“Agreed, but focus on your breathing, please.”
Once Felipe forced his lungs into a strained but slower cadence, Oliver squatted in front of his partner and carefully removed his tie and unbuttoned the top of his shirt. The glint of panic had mostly left Felipe’s eyes, but Oliver could still feel his pulse hammering beneath his skin. Holding Felipe’s hands, Oliver reached for Felipe’s heart and tried to sync it with his own. It fought his powers, frantically kicking blood through its chambers, but Oliver imagined cradling it gently in his palms. Felipe was safe and loved. No matter what fear lurked in his mind, Oliver would protect him. Warmth flooded Oliver’s chest and spread across the tether. Closing his eyes and resting his forehead against Felipe’s, Oliver held firmly to that feeling until the knot in the other man’s breast loosened. Felipe released a shuddered breath, but each one after came more freely than the last. When the storm on the other end of the tether subsided, Felipe sat back with a groan and held his head in his hands.
“You okay? Do you need anything?” Oliver asked softly.
“I don’t know yet.” Felipe ran a shaky hand across his face and lay back on the bed. “Christ almighty, I never want to do that again. I still feel jittery.”
“It will subside soon. Have you had an attack of nerves before?”
“Once or twice, but it was years ago and not like that.”
As soon as Oliver climbed into bed beside him, Felipe wrapped his arms around him and rested his head against his shoulder. Where Oliver mostly needed space, Felipe needed touch, and Oliver was more than happy to give it. He threaded his legs between Felipe’s and let the other man burrow against him. He could still feel the echoes of his heartbeat through the tether, but this was better.
“I don’t want to make things worse, so don’t answer if you aren’t ready, but is it this new power that’s scaring you or is it something else?” Oliver whispered into Felipe’s hair.
***
HOW COULD HE TELL OLIVERthat the enormity of everything that had happened since January had finally come crashing down on him and it scared him that he might never find his footing? Being reanimated had been a one-time anomaly with a hazy before and after, apart from the tether, but with one trick of the light, beingundeadwas suddenly real. Humans were supposed to die, and they certainly weren’t supposed to see in the dark unless they could shift into a jaguar or a wolf. Felipe’s mouth went dry. He might be turning into something not meant for this world, something other, something unknown, something his father or cousins would have put down without a second thought. If he had stayed in California and continued the Galvan legacy instead of coming to the society, would he have dealt with Oliver swiftly the way his lover always feared? Squeezing his eyes shut against Oliver’s side, he banished the nightmarish vision from his mind.
He had been raised to be a weapon and a shield, but what happened when the blade shattered? Or twisted into something far more dangerous.
“It’s... everything,” he forced himself to say. Focusing on the light scent of Oliver’s skin and the pressure of his arms around him, Felipe fought to stay grounded. “It sounds foolish, but I didn’t think I could die. I thought I would always be the one who couldn’t get hurt, the one my family and the society could always depend on, and now, they can’t. They can’t count on me like that because I get tired or feel ill when I’m supposed to be the one who can take anything. That’s my role, that’salwaysbeen my role, Oliver. I don’t know how to be anything else.”
Oliver turned to face him and gently wiped tears from Felipe’s cheeks he didn’t know he had shed. “Darling, no one should expect that of you. No one is meant to shoulder that kind of burden, especially not alone. That’s why I’m here. We’re partners in all things, and partners help each other.”
Giving him a tired smile, Oliver stroked his cheek and held his gaze until Felipe sighed into his hand. “Still...”
“What if the only person who has these absurd expectations of you is you? What happens if there is no one to let down? Louisa seems relieved you’re doing less, and Agatha asks very little. Teresa—”
