“You never told him what happened?”
“No, he would have thought me foolish for not speaking up. My— my mutism never made sense to him. When we would fight and I suddenly couldn’t talk, he thought I was being difficult or manipulative.”
Felipe bit back a retort that, that was rich coming from Ansley.
“I trusted him enough to try, but I trust you even more,” Oliver replied, his voice a wet crackle. “I don’t understand. I thought if I could do it with anyone, it would be you.”
Panic lanced through Felipe as he put his arms around Oliver’s trembling shoulders and rested his head on his. “Oliver, we don’t have to do it. Wedon’t.”
“But you accommodate me so much. I just— I just wanted to do something you wanted to do.”
“Oh, love,” he whispered, kissing his hair as Oliver sucked in a breath, “this isn’t like trying olives or switching brands of coffee. Both of us need to want and enjoy it.”
***
OLIVER’S JAW CLENCHEDand his throat lurched as he fought to speak against the rush of thoughts. His ribs constricted with each rough breath until it was impossible to get a word out. Pulling out of Felipe’s arms, Oliver grabbed the notepad off the table. He flipped to a clean page and tried to write despite the tears blurring his vision. Felipe needed to know. He wanted to make Felipe happy, but it ran so much deeper. Oliver needed him to understand why he kept trying despite how much it hurt.
I want to think ofyou, he underlined it three times,instead of him. I want to replace that time with something good, and I don’t know any other way. I just want it to go away.
“Oliver...” Felipe’s voice cracked as Oliver pulled the paper back toward him and frantically wrote,I know you won’t hurt me. I know you won’t lose your patience with me. I just want to be normal.
Felipe turned the stool until Oliver faced him. Taking his face in his hands, Felipe stared into Oliver’s eyes. He swallowed hard and blinked back the moisture gathering in his corners as he said, “I understand what you want, but I don’t want to hurt you like that. I can’t do it knowing the pain it’s going to cause you.”
But I don’t want to lose you,Oliver mouthed the second before a hiccupped sob broke from his lips. Felipe’s arms closed around him, crushing him against his chest. For the first time in Oliver’s life, he found someone who loved him, but still, he worried one day Felipe would wake up and realize there were people far better out there than him. People who could go out to eat without a second thought or who could sit in the billiards room without feeling like their brains were vibrating from the clatter. He was too predictable and limited to have as a partner, and one day, someone as vibrant as Felipe Galvan would realize he deserved better. Felipe ran a soothing hand down Oliver’s back and tried to shush him as Oliver’s tears pooled against the other man’s skin.
“Oliver, you aren’t going to lose me. I’m not going anywhere. I’m not, I promise,” Felipe replied softly. “Remember? You’re stuck with me.”
Sniffing and hiding his face against Felipe’s robe, Oliver sloppily scrawled,But you’re stuck withme. What if you get tired of dealing with me?
“I’m notdealing withyou; I love you. In case you forgot, I was weeping all over you yesterday in this very room. Things are going to be messy sometimes, but as long as we talk about it, we’ll figure it out. We’ve done well so far, haven’t we?”
Oliver nodded, listening to Felipe’s heart beneath his ear.
“I promise if I have any complaints or concerns, I will tell you, but you have to do the same with me, okay?”
“Okay,” Oliver answered, his voice shaky and hollow from crying.
“To be clear, I don’t want you to appease me or do something you don’t want to do because you think you should. I would much rather compromise with you than have you resent me.”
“I wouldn’t.”
“You would eventually.” Giving Oliver another squeeze, Felipe pulled back enough to wipe his partner’s face with his sleeve. “And my first concern is about this new power you have, the one where you hold back your emotions from the tether.”
Panic flared in Oliver’s breast. “You could tell?”
“I could tonight, which makes me concerned about all the other times I didn’t realize something was amiss because you hid your feelings from me.” Carefully turning Oliver’s face, Felipe grimaced. “Your poor eyes. Let me get another cloth.”
When Felipe disappeared around the corner to use the sink, Oliver sighed and blew his nose. It felt like he had been turned inside out, but beneath the spent fear and sadness was relief. Felipe was the only other person who knew about what happened, and he wasn’t mad at him for not being smart enough to leave before it happened or not having the fortitude to not let it affect him. He didn’t say,So?when he heard how it upset him years later. Oliver couldn’t explain it, but Felipe seemed to grasp the shape or magnitude of that moment in his life. And that was more than he had ever hoped for. A minute later, Felipe reappeared with a washcloth in each hand and winced again. Oliver could only imagine how awful he looked after crying. While other people looked sad yet dignified after a good cry, he always ended up horribly blotchy and puffy.
“Let me,” Felipe said. Gently holding Oliver’s face, Felipe wiped his cheeks and neck with a warm rag. The last dregs of fear dissipated with each swipe over his tear-sticky skin. Even after all that, Felipe still tended to him; Oliver bit back another wave of tears at the thought. When he was satisfied with his handiwork, Felipe motioned for Oliver to sit with his head back. The cool compress soothed Oliver’s scalded skin as Felipe laid it over his eyes. “Try to sit still. I think there’s a little coffee left. Do you want some?”
Oliver nodded and listened to the percolator glug as Felipe divided the remaining coffee between their cups. When Felipe carefully placed the warm, half-full cup against his outstretched palm, Oliver said, “I didn’t start out trying to lie about my feelings. I just wanted to be a good partner to you. I swear I didn’t do it often.”
“You’re allowed to keep your feelings to yourself, Oliver, but if I’m hurting or upsetting you, I want to know.”
“I know, and I will tell you. I...” He sighed and ran his thumb over the smooth china. “Being around Ansley reminded me of all the things that went wrong with him and the others. I didn’t want the same thing to happen to us.”
“Are you happy with things as they are?”
