“Stop being nice. I know it’s weird.”
“It is a little odd, but it makes sense for you. It’s quiet, out of the way.” Felipe’s eyes trailed to the brown-red blotch across Oliver’s ruined collar. Even if Oliver was accustomed to blood, the smell and stiffness had to be getting to him. “Your clothes must stink like blood. I know you can’t use the shower downstairs, but you could use the bath down the hall.”
When Oliver’s body almost imperceivably stiffened, Felipe added, “How about I get some soap and hot water for you? You can clean up and change into my robe, and in a little while, I’ll talk to the Head Inspector about getting into the lab to get your things.”
After a long moment, Oliver nodded. Felipe released a silent breath and walked across the hall with the pitcher and basin. He knew from experience that nothing would make this better for Oliver or Gwen but time and distance. At least focusing on Oliver would help stave off the feelings burbling beneath the surface. Jed had betrayed him. He had worked with the man who murdered him and tried to kill Oliver, too. Worst of all, Felipe had been stupid enough to lead him right to Oliver when he asked where the box was.
When Felipe came back into the parlor, Oliver lifted his head off his knees with a dazed look. How long had it been since he had eaten? He didn’t seem to be in shock, but food would help. In the bedroom, Felipe gathered a washcloth, soap, and his dressing gown for Oliver and left them on the sideboard beside the water.
“I’ll give you some privacy while you wash up, but I’ll be back soon.”
Felipe couldn’t take back how he acted the night before or what Jed had done, but he could at least help Oliver now.
***
In hindsight, he probablyshould have asked what Oliver wanted to eat, but Felipe didn’t think the man was in the right frame of mind to answer half a dozen questions about food. Sandwiches would do. No cutting, no fuss, no delay between food and mouth to turn off a rattled person. Felipe knocked on the door, but when Oliver didn’t answer, panic flared in his chest. Throwing open the door, his eyes fell upon Oliver’s broad shoulders and pale back. He braced himself against the sideboard with his head down and his eyes screwed shut, the dressing gown forgotten beside him. Felipe quietly shut the door and dropped the sandwiches onto the chair. When he grew closer, he could see that the skin on Oliver’s neck, arms, and chest had been rubbed raw. Gently laying a hand on his bare arm, Felipe was relieved when the other man didn’t flinch.
“The blood’s gone, Oliver. I’m sure you feel like it’s there. You might even feel contaminated by it, but trust me, scrubbing your flesh off won’t get rid of that feeling.”
Silently raising his gaze, Felipe recognized the hollowness in his grey eyes.
“I’ve spent most of my life steeped in violence. It’s horrible at first because it is so much worse than you imagine. Then, it’s horrible because you get used to it. I imagine it was like that for you in medical school or when you first started here, seeing all those bodies and wounds.”
“Yeah, I scrubbed myself sore back then, too,” Oliver replied, his voice thick. Opening his mouth, Oliver closed it and turned away. “I’m sorry this happened. I’m sorry you had to kill Jed. He was your partner, and I—”
“No. No, Oliver, this is not your fault. You know that, right? Jed made his choices. I did what had to be done, and I don’t regret it. He could have walked away when Newman left, but he didn’t.”
“You still shouldn’t have had to do it.”
“I know. You’re lucky Jed was probably horrifically hungover and that Gwen thinks on her feet.”
Oliver raked a hand through his hair. “Gwen... She’s not an investigator or a medical examiner. She didn’t sign up to see death, and she almost died because she was with me. And I convinced her to use her powers to break into Newman’s room, too. I’m a horrible friend.”
“No, you’re not. I’m sure Gwen doesn’t blame you for what happened, and she will tell you that herself tomorrow.” Blinking, all Felipe could see was the knife in Jed’s hand and the arc it would follow straight into Oliver’s ribs. The bang and the deafening silence before Jed fell. Felipe shut his eyes. “You know what I was thinking when I was running down to the lab?”
Oliver shook his head.
“That I was about to lose you, and I never got to apologize or tell you that I love you.”
Turning back to him with wide eyes, Oliver searched Felipe’s face. “What?”
“I mean it, Oliver. I love you. I regret nearly everything I did yesterday, and I’m sorry if I made you feel unwanted. I screwed everything up. I couldn’t see Teresa because I waited too long, and I waited years to approach you. And the more we’re together, the better things seem. That’s why I’ve been so horrible to you because I’ve been happy.” Felipe’s heart pounded in his ears as Oliver stared at him. After everything he did, he was going to blow it with Oliver, too. “I’m not making sense. Look, I wrote you a letter this morning. I was going to have Gwen give it to you after I was gone, but I’d rather you hear it now.”
Heat burned the back of Felipe’s eyes as he dug through his desk to find the letter with Oliver’s name scrawled across the front tucked between Louisa’s and Teresa’s. The moisture seemed to evaporate from his mouth as he struggled to keep the paper still enough to read. He had never been good at needing things, but he needed Oliver to know how he felt about him and how much it hurt to say. There was no time left for more regrets.
“Dear Oliver. This past week has been one of the best in my life, and you were the reason. I’m sorry our time together had to be so short and that I didn’t always behave the best. The problem with dying is how largely it looms when you know it’s coming. I was scared. Scared of dying and scared of how much I felt for you. That’s why I had to push you away those last few days and put some distance between us. I hope you can forgive me. I want to say I did it for you, to spare your heart, but I did it for me.”
Felipe swallowed against the knot in his throat, not daring to look up. “For a long time, I was desperately unhappy but couldn’t imagine what sort of future I wanted. Waking up with you at my side in the morning made it clear that that was what I wanted my future to look like. I couldn’t bear knowing my time with you would end as soon as it began. That I was going somewhere you couldn’t follow. I love you, Oliver, and I’m sorry I was too much of a coward to say it before—”
***
Oliver kissed him.He didn’t know how else to take the pain and fear from Felipe’s features when words would never be enough. When Felipe’s body eased into his and his fingers twined into Oliver’s hair, he tightened his arms around him as if he feared Felipe might slip away. Felipe loved him, too. Felipe didn’t want to leave. He pressed his lips to Felipe’s temples and down the line of his jaw to his neck. Inhaling the scent of his aftershave, Oliver closed his eyes and relished the smell as tears prickled his eyes. They had come so close to losing each other. Kissing him again but more gently, Oliver slowly pulled back. Despite everything, it still hurt to hope.
“I love you, too. What if you were able to follow me, instead?” Oliver asked barely above a whisper.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, continue the way things are indefinitely. No time limit, no end date. We could tell people if you want, like Louisa and Agatha, but we don’t have to if you’re uncomfortable with it. We wouldn’t have to tell anyone at the society, or we could. It’s up to you.”
