I realize how often in the past he’s put on a brave face because he’s felt he had to, and it breaks my heart a little, but I’ve done the same.
I do the same.
“I’m still your agent, AJ,” I remind him gently. “And of course we can change that if this really works out, but?—”
“No, Cam, I’m done with the hypothetical. You and I are happening.”
He sounds angry, and that has me sitting up and looking at him, trying to understand why the sudden change.
“AJ,” I start out, slow and soft. “We need to figure out how we work before?—”
“I need air,” he says, shouts really, before throwing his legs off the couch and practically running to the back door. It slams behind him, and I can only sit there, butt on the back of my heels, arms uselessly hanging by my sides.
How did I already fuck this up?
12
AJ
I need to fucking chill.
Iknowthat.
Cam doesn’t deserve this from me, he deserves patience and understanding. He’s earned the right to take all the fucking time in the world to make a fucking decision.
But fuck ithurts.
Is that my own fault?
Is it inevitable?
Am I fooling myself?
I know this is probably way harder for him than it has been for me—and I also know not everyone deals with finding out they’re queer this well, but Cam should know me well enough to expect me to roll with it. I’m actually happy to find something new about myself. I’m happythat some stuff just seems tomake sensenow, stuff that wasn’t so clear before. But right now it just feels like he’s justnot that into me.
At least not as much as I am into him.
God, I’m into him.
He has me in a constant state of hotness that isn’t normal, or never has been for me.
I feel like yanking his shirt off at least every three minutes, and I know he wants me too. I can feel his hard dick for fuck’s sake.
I’m not acting like this just because I’m horny, of that I’m sure. If I felt Cam didn’t actually want me, then I wouldn’t put any pressure on him, but at least physically, I know he does.
It’s the fact that he always uses that phrase “figure out how we work” that really pisses me off.
We already work.
This is already the best relationship I’ve been in, and from everything Cam has told me from his own past, it’s probably the best he’s had too.
And maybe that is naïve—we’ve been out here, away from our real lives where there are no real pressures and we can justbe—but how is anything going to be different when we get back?
It’s not like I’m going to do an interview to come out—that’s just unnecessary nowadays—and it’s not like he’s gonna get fired for being with a client.
But it’s about more than that for him, I know it is.Reputation, contacts, the fucking “optics” he’s always talking about.
I get that.
