CAM
“You knowI’ve got a cleaning crew coming in the morning,” AJ says. His amused smile turns my knees to jelly this time, so I turn back to the sink and keep rinsing plates. I’ve seen that smile about a million times in the last decade and I’ve never, not once, felt weak at the knees.
But clearly everything is different now.
Because in the past he probably would’ve kept watching me washing up, and he’d have started yapping about whatever gossip he heard at the cookout, and what wife or girlfriend had a friend he justhadto meet.
This time, though, he walks over until his hip is touching the top of my thigh and starts drying the few dishes I’m cleaning up.
He didn’t need to tell me about the cleaning crew for me to know they’re coming to make sure his house is backto perfect tomorrow, but I need something to do with my hands. I don’t want to get carried away like we did two days ago, and I know damn well if he even comes close to kissing me, I’m not going to be able to resist him.
And I need to resist him.
After two days of doing what he said—thinking about this from every possible angle—my head can hardly focus on anythingbutAJ. Besides, coming over to his celebratory cookout, hanging out with his folks, his friends, and everyone who matters to him basically, made it really hard for me to remember any of the points I had in the “con” column I made on Friday.
Everybody loves AJ.
As far as today’s guests are concerned, he’s never done one single wrong thing in his life and he deserves to have statues of him placed in every corner of the city.
The fact that I feel the same way—maybe less intensely—is irrelevant.
He’s my client for fuck’s sake, and my friend.
But... isn’t that a cliché for a reason? All those old married couples who made it last for decades upon decades always say they married their best friend.
I know thinking about marriage is a bit over the top and intense, especially when nothing between us has even really started, but the other option, if we give this a shot, is that we ruin a working relationship other agents only dream of, and one of the most meaningful friendships in my life.
“What are you thinking so hard about?” AJ’s soft, deepvoice brings me back to the present, where the platter I’ve been washing for ten minutes is for sure clean by now.
“I don’t want us to ruin our friendship, AJ.”
I’m not even gonna mention the working relationship right now, because honestly? It is an awesome thing that we work so well together, but it’s the least important thing in this case.
I’m also not about to tell himnothing, because this is the furthest thing from nothing. This is serious for me, very serious.
“I don’t want you to think I’d ever hook up with you and not have it matter to me, AJ.”
“I would never think that,” he protests, and when I don’t say anything for a long moment, he takes the plate from my hands, sets it down on the stack in the sink, and shuts off the faucet. Then he takes my shoulders and spins me around. “You know me almost better than anyone else, Cam, and I trust you as much as I trust my family. I know it’s scary. Believe me, I’m scared too. But the thing is, I know you really well too. Please trust me.”
There’s a desperation in his wide blue eyes that I really hate. I don’t want to make him feel like this, but I have to make him understand, I can’t just let this slide and go along as if it isn’t potentially devastating.
“This isn’t about trusting your intentions.” I assure him of that, because that is something I can say with absolute honesty, but... “How can I not be afraid, AJ?” I ask him, my tone as defeated as my gut, but I stare right at him. I won’t look away this time. “You do know me, and youknow I don’t do casual, that I don’t want casual, that I’ve always dreamed of—” I clamp my mouth shut.
He knows what I was going to say, there’s no need to humiliate myself any further.
“You know that’s one of my favorite things about you?” The small smile on his lips as he leans back a bit stalls my breath in my throat.
“It is?” I ask incredulously.
“Oh, yeah.” He nods a few times and grabs onto my biceps for a second, then trails his hands up and down my arms. “I’ve never felt that... need to be around someone else all the time. A specific person, I mean.” I nod to show I’m listening, that I understand, because I know AJ isn’t afraid of love, of a relationship. I know he respects my wish to have a relationship that’s true and lasting, and kind. “I’ve never tried with anyone, not really, because it never felt worth the effort. I neverfeltenough for any of them for it to be worth it, Cam. Do you understand?”
I nod again, and then I shake my head. I don’t actually understand that, I...
“You always try,” he whispers, but that smile is still intact, and there’s not a single trace of anything but tenderness andcarein his eyes.
He doesn’t pity me, I realize, he . . .
“I think that’s one of the bravest things anyone can ever do, and I know it hasn’t paid off.”
