“Just ask the clerk at whatever toy store you go into what little boys like,” she’d said instead. “Or if you see a mother shopping forher own children, ask her. I’m sure kids his age aren’t that difficult to please.”
Melanie had exhaled heavily. “I suppose you’re right,” she said, but she hadn’t turned to leave.
The young woman was a pitiful sight.
“I’m just not…I—,” Melanie stammered. “I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. I really don’t.”
“Look,” June said. “This is none of my business, but I think your brother is expecting too much from you. Especially right now. If you want my opinion, you should scoop up that little boy and fly home to Omaha. Take him to your mother and father. They’re his grandparents, aren’t they? And theydoknow how to take care of a little boy, although it appears to me they’ve raised a near-narcissist in your brother. Is it true what Eva told me? That your brother hasn’t spoken to your parents in years and has instead been gallivanting around the globe?”
“It’s a little more complicated than that,” Melanie had replied defensively after a beat. “And I don’t see how I can just show up at my parents’ with him. They don’t even know about Nicky.”
“Why not? Why don’t they know?”
“Alex has his reasons.”
“Because your parents were terrible to you and your brother growing up? Is that it? Did they beat you two? Demean you? Neglect you? Withhold love and affection from you?”
“Well, no. It’s not that.”
“Then it seems to me his reasons, whatever they are, are about him and only about him. If you ask me, that man has no regard for the impact of his actions on other people. That makes him about as self-centered as a person gets. And if you think I’m wrong about that, you tell me what kind of man dumps his child on a sister he hasn’t seen in years without so much as asking permission to do soand without any indication at all about how long he’s going to be gone. Is he running from loan sharks? The police? An angry husband?”
“I…I don’t think so.”
“Take that little boy home to his grandparents if you’re not feeling up to the task. Lord knows, if I were you, that’s what I would do.”
Melanie had looked past June and toward the kitchen, where Eva and Nicky were. June could hear him asking for cookies.
“But if Alex wanted my parents to be taking care of Nicky right now, he would have taken him to their house, wouldn’t he?” Melanie had asked.
What sway this brother has on her!June had thought. He must’ve long had it. Though he’d been estranged for years, he’d pulled his sister back into his little self-orbiting universe in just a matter of hours. June hadn’t met him and she already disliked him immensely.
“It seems to me your brother lost his vote on how to handle this situation the minute he chose to leave you alone in it. Your biggest concern right now shouldn’t be making sure your brother gets what he wants. Besides, I think it’s cruel of him to have kept your parents from having a relationship with their grandchild.”
Melanie’s eyes had instantly become rimmed in silvery tears, and June had felt bad at once; she’d said too much. “Look,” she tried in a softer tone, “you don’t have to decide today. But unless your brother comes back, you do get to decide what happens next with this little boy. I know you feel like you don’t get to decide much about your life right now, but you do get to decide this. And I know money is probably a bit tight. If that Mr. Edwards won’t buy your airline tickets for you and Nicky, I will.”
Melanie’s mouth dropped open. “I can’t believe you’re being so nice to me.”
“What is that supposed to mean?” June had said, frowning.
“I…nothing. I just don’t feel like I deserve it right now. Because, well…” Her voice fell away. The two women stared silently at each other for several seconds until Melanie continued. “I’m sure my parents would wire me the money if I asked. I mean, I know they would. And I still have some savings left. But thank you for offering. I’ll think about it. I should go call for a taxi. And I won’t be long, I promise. You’re sure Elwood won’t mind Nicky being here for a little bit?”
“We’ll all be fine. Do what you need to do. And for heaven’s sake, take my car. You don’t need to call for a taxi.”
Melanie’s mouth had again dropped open in grateful surprise. For a moment it seemed Melanie was going to embrace her. The moment passed and June went to get her car keys.
Now as she watched Nicky eat the cinnamon toast—a nice alternative for the cookies June did not have—June could not stop thinking about how dumbfounded Melanie seemed at having someone be kind to her. She’d wanted to linger in Melanie’s awe and gratitude. She’d wanted that embrace. That moment had reminded her of what it was like to matter to someone.
There were many moments the first couple years after Frank had died when she’d felt so empty, and Elwood, though he had never been particularly adept at empathy, had somehow been able to figure out when she needed the kindness of another human to make it through another day. He’d lay a hand on her shoulder and allow her to lean back on him as she sat in a chair and he stood behind her. Or he’d kiss the top of her head lightly, so lightly. Or he’d put an arm around her as she sat on the couch and cried. He also seemed to have sensed that moment when her grief over Frank’s death had been replaced with lone desire for him. He was careful with his touch after that.
As she watched Nicky eat, it was like getting a glimpse of the lifeshe had not chosen, a peek into a past she’d never gotten to live, a past that was haunting her these days with its possibilities.
If she had chosen Elwood from the beginning, would she have done this very thing in this same kitchen, albeit years earlier? Made cinnamon toast for her little boy and cut it into triangles? Poured him a glass of milk before heading out to shop for his Christmas presents? If she had indeed been the mother of a little boy named Nicky and the wife of a quiet but content man named Elwood, would she and her husband have gotten a sitter for Nicky on a day like this, maybe someone like Eva, and gone Christmas shopping together? Perhaps made a day of it. Gone out to dinner afterward. Toasted their prowess at choosing such fun toys for their son. Come home to kiss their child on the forehead as he lay asleep.
June closed her eyes there at the table and allowed herself to imagine that dream existence was the real one. She marveled at how solid it felt in that moment, not at all like the diaphanous place that was the real world, where everything that made you feel safe and secure seemed made of mere kindling for the tiniest of random flames to consume.
Impossible to protect.
As much as she didn’t want it to be true, the countdown to Max’s deadline had begun. She had to finish that script and mail it Christmas Eve so that it would be properly postmarked December 24. It would be too late after that. On Christmas Day she’d be driving out to Palm Springs and then returning to Malibu to await Max’s promised call the following day.
