She still wanted to kill him.
“You drove here all the way from New York?” Melanie said evenly, hiding her annoyance well, she thought.
“Oh, no. Nicky and I flew to San Francisco. I’ve got a buddy there and he loaned me his car. We drove down. Pretty drive but, damn, it’s a long one.”
“So you just decided”—Melanie didn’t know how to finish the sentence—“that you wanted to see me? After all this time?” She couldn’t hide from her voice the sting of the lost years.
“Hey. I’m really sorry about all that, Nellie. It’s not like it’s what I wanted.”
“What exactly did you want?” It had been too many years since Alex had ditched college, run off with BJ, and practically dropped off the face of the earth, and Melanie still didn’t really know why.
“What I wanted,” Alex replied matter-of-factly, but gently, too, “was to live my own life and not someone else’s.”
“I don’t understand. Whose life were you living?”
“I was living the life of that kid from Omaha who could play the violin. The kid from Omaha who was supposed to graduate with a music degree on a full-ride scholarship. The kid from Omaha who was supposed to wear a black tux the rest of his life and sit first chair at the New York Philharmonic. That’s who.”
“But did you have to leave the way you did?” Melanie knew herown wounds were showing through. “Did you have to leavemethe way you did?”
Alex looked down at his wineglass and ran a finger gently around its pedestal. “I’m sorry about that, too. I was young and frustrated and if I were to do it now I would do things differently, but I can’t go back and change what I did or how I did it. I knew Mom and Dad were going to flip. What they wanted for me wasn’t what I wanted for myself. I didn’t want to live with their huge expectations anymore and I definitely didn’t want to live with their huge disappointment.”
“They were heartbroken, Alex. They love you and they’ve missed you very much. We all have.”
Alex looked up at her. “This isn’t about love, Melanie. This is about liberation. You can love a bird but still keep it in a cage when all it wants to do is fly free. Birds are born to fly. Even the ones you love.”
“But for seven years? You couldn’t come back to us? To me? Not even to visit?”
“Look, I knew what I had done. I knew how much I had hurt people. How much I hurt you. I didn’t want to face it. It was easier to pretend I hadn’t hurt anybody and just stay away.”
So you were a coward—that’s basically what you’re saying?Melanie wanted to say, but she also didn’t want Alex to respond by grabbing his things and disappearing again. It seemed a distinct possibility.
“And your little boy?” Melanie said softly instead, motioning with her head to Nicky, who was oblivious to their conversation and setting up an elaborate pyramid of soldiers standing shoulder on shoulder. “You couldn’t have told us about him?”
“Don’t you get it? The longer I stayed away, the harder it was to share that. The way you’re looking at me right now is one of the reasons why I didn’t.”
They were quiet for a moment.
“Is he BJ’s, too?” Melanie asked.
“He is. But I’m not. I haven’t been for a while.”
Melanie waited in silence for her brother to continue.
“BJ walked out on us when Nicky was just a year old,” Alex said easily. “And by that time I was fine with that. The person Nicky thinks of as his mother is named Regina. I met her when I was working at a nightclub in Chicago. We got married when Nicky was two.”
“And where is Regina?”
Alex took a sip from his glass and set it down. “I have some ideas.”
“You have some ideas?” Melanie echoed.
“Yes, I do.” Alex’s voice was confident. “But enough about me, Nellie. I want to hear all about you! You were in a big movie with a Hollywood heartthrob! You were terrific, by the way. I saw it. I knew you’d make it to the big time.”
Melanie shook her head and laughed lightly. “That movie is not exactly what I’m known for right now.”
“Oh, that.” Alex laughed and flicked a hand like he was swatting away a fly. “You can’t possibly be a communist.”
It was such an absurd statement that Melanie laughed, too. “I’m not even sure what one is. I wasn’t paying attention when Dad went on and on about how awful the Soviets are.”
