“I understand,” I said. “I’m happy to relocate to Innsbruck with Martine and the children.”
“Martine does not want you to come. I’m sorry.”
I swallowed an immediate knob of sorrow and waited for Johannes to tell me that in a month or two, when Martine’s grief had eased, I would be following along.
He said something else instead. “She knows how much you love our children. In fact, it is probably because you loved Brigitta so much that she doesn’t want you to come. You were like a second mother to Brigitta. But you made decisions that I’m afraid Martine cannot forget. She would like to, but she can’t.”
Tears sprang to my eyes, hot and accusing. “If I could get that day back...”
Johannes shook his head as though to gently sweep away my regret. “It’s not just that, Helen. The larger truth is, as long as my family is with Martine’s parents, we don’t actually require yourservices. The boys certainly don’t need a nanny. The twins are moving past the time that they need one, and Hanna will have her grandmother there. The children might be in Innsbruck with their grandparents for a long time. We’ve... we’ve outgrown our need for you.”
As soon as the words were out of his mouth, I knew Johannes was right. This family, without Brigitta, didn’t require a nanny anymore. The children were growing up, as children do. This had happened to me before. Several times before. I’d be with a family for a stretch of happy years, and then a day would come when the little ones weren’t little any longer. And I had moved on. There had been sad good-byes, but they’d been expected. I had failed to consider that even if Martine felt differently about me, without Brigitta, this family did not truly need me.
“I will write you a letter of recommendation that you can take anywhere,” Johannes continued when I said nothing. “You’ve served us well. I will make sure to include in the letter how resourceful and devoted you are to the families you work for.”
“Thank you,” I finally managed. “I understand.”
He seemed to relax a bit. The hardest part of this conversation for him was over. “I am so glad to hear that. I... I wonder if I could ask a favor of you? For the children?”
“Anything,” I said. “You know I will do anything for this family.”
“Your departure will come as a surprise to them. They are fond of you and they have already had to bear such a tremendous loss. I wonder if, when you say good-bye, if you could not let on how sad you must be right now to be leaving them. Perhaps you can say that it’s wonderful that they will be with their grandparents and that you are wanted by another family who needs you like ours once did.”
“You want me to suggest that leaving them was my idea.”
Johannes looked at me thoughtfully. “More like, you sense thetime has come to move on. Because you surely know that it has. I think it would ease any discomfort regarding your departure, especially for the girls. I would greatly appreciate it.”
I pondered his request for a moment. I didn’t want to add to the children’s sadness right now. But I would not do this for Johannes, not for this man who, when his superior called his child a monkey, said nothing. I would do it for his children, though, whom I loved. I nodded.
“I have to go back to my division tomorrow, and I’m shutting up the house. Today,” Johannes went on. “I am giving you your next month’s pay, and I’ve reserved a room for you, starting tonight, at the Hotel Edelweiss. You can stay there as long as you need to while you make other arrangements. I strongly suggest you return to the States while you still can. The world is an uncertain place right now. If I were you, I’d go home.”
“I’ll think on it. And thank you for providing me with accommodations.” I stood up and so did he. I turned to leave the room but pivoted to face him again. “But I wonder if you could do one more thing for me, Herr Maier.”
“Of course.”
“Tell me truthfully. Is Brigitta dead?”
He hesitated only a moment. “Yes, she’s dead.”
“You swear to me? You’d swear on your mother’s Bible?”
“I would. I promise you, if you went to Am Steinhof, you would not find Brigitta there.”
“Or anywhere else?”
“Or anywhere else. I know this for a fact.”
I stared at him for a second. “Did she die of pneumonia?”
Johannes held my gaze. Took a breath. Let it out. “She died. Isn’t that horrific enough?”
His anemic, resigned tone angered me. “No, it’s not,” I said sharply. Disrespectfully. “Not if that’s not how she died.”
Johannes’s face registered neither shock nor outrage that I’dspoken to him that way. “I’ll have the letter ready for you this afternoon. Before the children and Martine leave for Innsbruck, I will gather them here so that you can say good-bye.” Then he turned and left the room.
For several seconds, I could only remain where I stood as fresh tears pooled in my eyes. There seemed to be no end to fresh tears. Everything was changing so fast and so hard. I wanted the world to stop spinning for just a tiny stretch of time so I could get my bearings. So I could grasp a new handhold, figure out what to do next. I didn’t want to go home to the States. Not like this. Not in defeat and failure.
There had to be another family in Vienna that needed me, didn’t there? I only had to find them. But would the new governing officials in Vienna renew my work visa, due to expire in just a matter of months, if I had not yet found a new posting? America had not joined the coalition of nations united against Germany, but tensions were high. What if my work permit wasn’t renewed? I might be headed home to California regardless of what I really wanted to do.
